I’ve included the direct translation with no additional changes made to it…People should decide for themselves what they think AFTER reading the actual translation.

Actual translation of essay:
“Don’t use the ladder, put it sideways. Was the teacher a stonemason? I’m not brilliant, but I’m not SB [expletive term for someone stupid] either. Which idiot came up with this dumb question? Don’t wear your shoes, put it in a pot. The taste of China is not as attractive as old yogurt! Love doesn’t come, perhaps it is divine conception. Beautiful girls only love rich guys. Poor, ugly men? No chance. Don’t wear short skirts, keep wearing super short. Ganlulu’s mother [the mother of a model who posted a nude video of her daughter to find her a boyfriend] and Guo Degang [a Chinese comedian] have everything to do with each other. Xiaosan’s [slang term for mistress, usually of officials] fight, everyone says Xiaomi [personal assistant] is wronged. There’s nothing wrong with my cell phone. There’s not much rice, but put it in your pocket. The central bank lowered exchange rate, poor second generations are even more unfortunate. Does it matter how good this essay is? Didn’t you see, kids born after the 90’s are already heading up bureaus? Time is short, so I will stop here. Give me whatever score, I don’t care!”

I do agree with parts of the article though!(The parts which talk about issues in China) So good job!