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Dear Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested,

My beloved pet cat went missing while I was out walking it in the park last week. Afterwards, I spotted one of my neighbours wearing a bracelet exactly like the diamond-studded collar my little Fang Fang used to wear. When I queried it, however, she smiled and invited me to discuss the matter over a special hotpot. Should I go?

 – I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat

Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested Says:

I recently went down to the Avenue of Eternal Peace with some monks and released several hundred snakes and doves. I was even wearing a a T-shirt with the words “One-party rule is a disaster” in prominent characters. In no time at all, several cops turned up and ask me where I bought the shirt. I told them it’s from a 1946 Communist Party newspaper! They all laughed and told me bring a dozen down to the station for their friends.

Dear Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested,

Could you help my friends and I settle a debate? I’m convinced Hong Kong is a Semi-Autonomous Zone but she is certain it is a Special Administrative Region. My other mate suggests that it doesn’t matter, that Hong Kong is an incontrovertible part of China and we should both just shut the fuck up. Who do you think is right?

– No Access to Google

Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested Says:

Have you checked out my counterrevolutionary pornography? It is very yellow, very offensive. You can find it at [redacted]. Close blue pop-up windows and scrolling down halfway, look for the link called “Great Deep Forward.” Please ignore a red pop-up: that is prostitute “spam,” nothing to do with me: that will mess up your hard drive, believe me. Very difficult to get rid of. OK, so I recommend the video with Mao in a donkey suit, reading (in truth, it’s not the real Mao. It is an artist friend of mine, wearing a grey suit and fake mole: very convincing!). Pay special attention to the book in his hand. That’s right: it’s the banned Ming Dynasty classic The Plum in the Golden Vase! Today, I see my local police station is following this on Weibo. I wait for the knock at my door. Instead, they re-tweet.

Dear Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested,

I recently pulled some strings to get an editorial piece published in a major US newspaper. It was extolling the virtues of working in China and I duly sucked on the panda’s teat till my lips cracked. A few months on, I now realize what an embarrassingly naive greenhorn I must have appeared writing it.  I’m now telling everyone that it was, in fact, intended as a satirical piece and the editors utterly missed the point. Do you think this will wash?

– Jonathan Levine

Dissident Who Can’t Get Arrested Says:

I’m not really sure this has anything to do with the real issue at hand. Namely, my efforts to raise awareness of the recent government white paper Social Taxes in Anhui Province. This is an issue that has been scandalously neglected in the West, You can read all about my efforts to resist the state’s plan to raise taxes on rural farmers by three percent in exchange for “social benefits” at my personal blog, sxuysncine.net. Click through the sidebar underneath the ad for kitchen knives. I have some devastating things to say about the local taxation bureau and, judging from my hit rates, it’s clear the powers that be are doing everything they can to prevent people from viewing this incendiary material.

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By LIN ANE
Health Correspondent

CHARLOTTE (China Daily Show) – A woman in the terminal stages of Alzheimer’s disease has surprised doctors with a newfound enthusiasm for NBA player Jeremy Lin.

Sarah Mae Wilson, 69, had long been considered a lost cause at the Carolinas Medical Center (CMC) in Charlotte, and her family had been making preparations to transfer her into full-time care.

But that was until last Tuesday night. According to eyewitnesses in the CMC community room, the New York Knicks’ Lin had just made a three-point jump shot to give his team a 90-87 win over the Toronto Raptors when a normally sedate Ms. Wilson unexpectedly reacted with a series of expletive-filled remarks.

Since then, Ms Wilson’s intimate knowledge of the Asian-American point guard has shattered almost everything the medical community believes it knew about a disease that claims nearly 30 million sufferers worldwide.

“In her condition, there’s no expectation of even basic motor skills, much less the cognitive plasticity to take a word like ‘winning’ and combine it with the surname ‘Lin’ to form the neologism ‘Linning,’” explained Dr Frank Jeffries, head of the geriatrics ward at CMC.

Indeed, perhaps even more inexplicable than Ms. Wilson’s recovery is her enthusiastic embrace of the bizarre phenomenon known as “Lin-guistics” – the relentless quest for puns on Jeremy Lin’s name.

“Super Lintendo – she claims to have coined that one,” said duty nurse Elizabeth Madison, who has been looking after Ms. Wilson the last four years. “Her newborn enthusiasm and love of wordplay is both incredibly inspiring and highly irritating.”

Ms Wilson’s improvement has reportedly been as rapid, and just as dramatic, as Lin’s own rise to superstardom. The morning after the Raptors game, she reportedly asked a nurse to open a “lindow,” and at lunch that day asked fellow diners to pass the “condlinments.”

“That one maybe wasn’t so good,” Madison said. “But to give her  credit, when Sarah saw me struggling with another patient yesterday, she called out, ‘Betty, don’t be so goddam Linient! Just shove those pills down her throat.’ I laughed so hard I nearly dropped my armlock.”

There’s even evidence to suggest Ms. Wilson may not be alone in having suddenly heard of Jeremy Lin. Professor Karl Snieder, a longtime Alzheimer’s researcher, says he learned about the curious case of Sarah Mae Wilson last Thursday. Failing to find any medical literature to explain her revival, he visited other patients he knew to be New York basketball fans.

Sure enough, some had also shown marked improvements.

“Lin’s dunk against the Washington Wizards last week has prompted a remarkable response from several otherwise senile Knicks fans,” Professor Snieder told China Daily Show.

He cited Anthony Scagnetti, 82, an Alzheimer’s sufferer for 15 years. “The doctors were ready to pull the plug on him – the last rites had been administered by the family priest – when he suddenly asked them to ‘turn up the damned TV.’”

Apparently Lin’s dunk had made Scagnetti remember a $50 bet he had on the game.

Medical professionals in San Francisco, Chicago and St. Louis have also reported improvements in patients, all with late-stage Alzheimer’s and almost all of them white.

“It’s as if Jeremy Lin has awaken something primal, something primitive in the human brain,” Snieder said. “What these cases demonstrate is that the medical community, despite billions spent on research, really knows very little about the way the mind works. If a sport can rescue lost souls and allow them to wallow in infantilism, injecting them with purpose, what can’t be accomplished?

“‘Linpossible is nothing,’ if you will.”

It remains to be seen whether these improvements have staying power. So far the evidence is mixed. Ms. Wilson, for example, remains unable to recall the names or recognize the faces of anyone in her immediate family.

Worse still, a day after the Knicks lost to the New Orleans Hornets, Ms. Wilson told fellow residents they “can’t Lin ‘em all.”  Doctors say they didn’t have the heart to tell her the phrase was utterly devoid of originality, having been used twice that morning in an Associated Press lede.

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