The WeChat-Facebook conflict, a battle for hearts and minds that has simmered for months around hotpot tables where expats and exchange students boast about their respective weaponry, has turned hot.

A series of ads recently released on the Youtube channel WeChatSouthAfrica poke fun at Social Network Boy Mark Zuckerberg. The ads — currently three of them — are set in the study of a German psychiatrist who prescribes “ze WeChat” to a despondent Zuckerberg.

The psychiatrist’s German accent is horrendous (“Nein!”), and he uses a riding crop when angry. I’m amazed he’s not stroking a fluffy white cat. His assistant — “Frauke” — is endowed with long German bones and is so vertical that her head goes out of the shot, a good foot taller than Lady Brienne of Tarth.

Well, at least this shows that the Sino-African relationship goes beyond stadium-building and mineral plunder.

There are lots of other WeChat country-specific Youtube channels – WeChat India, WeChatThai, WeChatMalaysia — but the South African one seems to be the first to do comedy sketches.

In last year’s Australian Open Final, Li Na repeatedly halted play for the eager crowd of tennis aficionados. Not that they minded. Alongside her game, she endeared herself to the tennis public following a couple of ankle rolls, a clutzy head bang, and her comical approach to a concussion test.

China, your girl is the crowd favourite.

I saw this firsthand yesterday on the Rod Laver Arena concourse as Li Na won her first Australian Open title and her second career Grand Slam, beating 20th-ranked Dominika Cibulkova 7-6 (3), 6-0. (Li moved up one spot in the world rankings as a result, to No. 3.) But the crowd’s admiration was politely expressed, with equal appreciation for Cibulkova, who gutsed out a tight first set playing in her maiden Slam final.

The healthy bunch of Chinese supporters watching in the public “Garden Square” seemed to reflect the stoic-ness of Li’s exterior: not panicking during the tense moments, not overzealous when she cruised toward victory in the second set.

The tennis public in Melbourne loves Li as much for her impressive groundstrokes as her quirky post-match interviews where she regularly details her conflicts with her husband and coach. Luckily, we were treated to a happy speech yesterday, which some observers have called the “best acceptance speech ever.”

She thanked her agent for “make me rich,” but most of her punch lines were reserved for her husband, Jiang Shan (Dennis), who was sporting a Crown Casino baseball cap (perhaps he’ll help spend the $2.31 million purse his wife just received for winning the title).

“Now, of course, my husband, you’re famous in China,” Li said into the dual microphones at centre court. “Thanks him with everything, travelling with me as my hitting partner. (He) fixes my drink, fixes my racquet… So thanks a lot, you’re a nice guy.

“Also, you’re so lucky.”

The couple will take time to celebrate their 8th wedding anniversary on Monday. It should be civil.

Last year, Li Na flirted with the idea of retirement before refocusing on the sport that netted her the 2011 French Open. When she finally does retire, if she isn’t awarded her own sitcom starring alongside Tina Fey, I suppose a cameo on Saturday Night Live should suffice.

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Unfortunately for the Chinese Communist Party, this story just isn’t going away. What has been a constant spectre mocking the Party’s exhortations that they are clamping down on corruption and “ill-gotten gains” has been the investigations into the immense wealth accumulated by the Chinese elite and their relatives. Yesterday, more revelations came out which revealed how the relatives of China’s top officials have utilised offshore tax havens – the British Virgin Islands are the favourite “holiday” destination – in an attempt to shield their accumulation of wealth.

What of recriminations, of visa denials, or journalistic intimidation? The New York Times and Bloomberg don’t have their fingerprints on this one. This story was broken by the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists – I hadn’t heard of them either – and their findings included the immense assets – primarily, listed companies and consultancies – controlled and owned by the “red nobility” of relatives of the Politburo Standing Committee. Given that the NY Times and Bloomberg had probably pushed their hand as far as possible, it was time for someone else to wade through the swathes of paperwork that masked the entrepreneurial achievements of these genetically blessed cadres.

Predictably, the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists is now blocked in China. If you’re the cheeky kind though, you’d do well to pass this amongst your politically and socially aware friends:

Unblockable link to the @ICIJorg report in Chinese about the wealth of China’s elite https://t.co/wWBk63G3PI pls RT

— GreatFire.org (@GreatFireChina) January 23, 2014

There’s certainly a lesson here in breaking news stories that will receive the ire of the Party:

1. Best to break them in January, right after receiving one’s visa renewal – which typically occurs in either November or December. You’ll have the better part of a year to plan for the non-renewal.

2. The experience of The New Citizens Movement indicates that while “illegal assembly,” “gathering crowds to disturb public order” and “using a cult to undermine implementation of the law” are big no-nos, consortiums haven’t caught the ire of the authorities… yet.

Eventually, in the evolution of Western reporting on the accumulation of elite affluence, paparazzi will sift through Chinese dumpsters – “Look where he’s been shopping!” — to find the dirt, but right now, they don’t need to. If Party officials were so keen on clamping down on graft and corruption, maybe they should first try harder to hide their own.

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Sorry to put a bee in everyone’s bonnet, but headlines from Buzzfeed and NY Daily News saying that an American college student – Jake Gaba from Dartmouth – danced across China to Bruno Mars’s “Treasure” are simply false.

He didn’t dance across China. Using what I presume to be a standard form of transportation like a train, he traveled from point A to point B, found a suitable area, put on those dashing rainbow-chequered shorts, set up a camera and demonstrated some epic dancing skill. Are we clear?

But, yeah, he can dance. You should watch the video.

Filmed over three months, young Jake shimmies to Bruno Mars “Treasure” at heaps of different locations  - from major tourist sites to a hauntingly desolate highway in what could be Tibet, and… the inside of an elevator.

I’ve been to the Great Wall four times – three of those times sucked – but this kid has made me want to go back… and perform some karaoke there.

He’s shown that shlepping across China on hard sleepers and those interminable layovers at the train station public waiting hall - perched on top of your smelly luggage – doesn’t need to be grim. Instead of glumly listening to your iPod, rock out!

The footage also captures the reactions of bemused onlookers that, whilst bemused, are all happy. Get this kid on the American delegation next time Obama pays a visit – he’ll smooth things over in “the relationship.”

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For the proud nationalists of China, Japan and Taiwan, the Diaoyu island chain remains the perfect outlet to exercise one’s willfully blind patriotism. Which is — fortunately for the rest of us — shouting distance from stupidity. Hilarious, utter stupidity.

Intending to circumvent the Japanese patrol boat cordon which has prevented other nationalists from reaching shore, Xu Shuaijun from Hebei province flew a hot air balloon from the mainland to the disputed island chain on Wednesday. Setting off from Fujian province, Xu, an accomplished balloonist, handled with ease the newly overlapping Air Defence Identification Zones and got to within about 20 kilometers of the uninhabited islands before crashing into the sea after suffering a mechanical fault.

After receiving a distress signal, a Japanese Coast Guard vessel picked up Xu before transferring him to a Chinese patrol boat. While it might seem a foolhardy pursuit to travel hundreds of kilometers to an isolated chain of rocks in a vehicle not made of steel, given the heavy presence of patrol vessels in the area, it seems safe enough. Like climbing Mount Everest if a Chinese super mall were perched on the summit and every sherpa had gone through med school.

Chinese foreign ministry spokesman Qin Gang, in a briefing, did not mention the Japanese’s role in the rescue, according to Global Times.

This is great entertainment. Outside of the bland ultimatums, pronouncements and saber-rattling of the politicians involved, everyday civilians are making a fantastic contribution to keeping the tinder dry in this very surreal dispute. A dispute over territory, when that territory is uninhabited, isolated, and surrounded by water, portends that the ideal location for the picket line – usually a brick’s throw from the front of an embassy – is the goddamn territory itself! Attempts to reach this idyllic picket have morphed into a farcical competition that resembles a university scavenger hunt; ah, if only Kashmir was this fun.

How can the Japanese top a balloon? Nothing short of the launch of paragliders in Flying V formation will suffice; anyway, the Chinese owe them a rescue.

Lincoln Daw is a freelance writer and stand-up comedian in Melbourne. Follow him @linkydaw.