If politics and diplomacy get too confusing, just throw around some animal metaphors. As the Sydney Morning Herald reports, Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu (soon to be Private Liu or General Liu, depending on which way the wind blows and how much cash and guanxi he has) has stated that both a rabid tiger and wolf are currently nipping at the heels of the dragon. He adds that as all Chinese people are peace-loving wolf-haters, nuking wolves is justifiable.

Senior Colonel Liu Mingfu, of China’s National Defence University, blamed US ”orchestration” and Japan’s ”militarism” for rising tensions over disputed islands known as the Senkaku in Japan and the Diaoyu in China.

”America is the global tiger and Japan is Asia’s wolf and both are now madly biting China,” Colonel Liu said. ”Of all the animals, Chinese people hate the wolf the most.”

…”If this Japanese wolf again attacks America’s Pearl Harbour or Australia’s Darwin, how do you know it wouldn’t receive another nuclear bomb?” Colonel Liu said. ”The world would hail if Japan receives such a blow.”

The hawk states that in its guise as Little Red Riding Hood the dragon would protect the little lamb unless it becomes a jackal by siding with the wolf and the tiger:

He said Australia should play the role of a ”kind-hearted lamb” and China would discourage it from being led astray.

”Australia should never play the jackal for the tiger or dance with the wolf,” he said.

Meanwhile in the Guardian, Xi Jinping has started the ball rolling against tigers and flies:

“We must uphold the fighting of tigers and flies at the same time…,” rhetoric continues.

Unfortunately, the tigers in this case aren’t running dogs but the spawn of the dragon.

Animal Metaphor Glossary

Wolf: Japan

Tiger: America; also, powerful leader

Fly: Bureaucrat

Dragon: Middle Kingdom

Hawk: Senior Colonel Liu

Lamb: Australia

Jackal: Australia

Running dog: America, lackey of

Sparrow: Archaic. Extermination

Hello Kitty: WTF

Are you interested in property with garish golden columns and statues of boys urinating, Hello Kitty doorbells and fluffy pink wallpaper? Now’s your chance: the fire sale of all fire sales in now on!

As The Telegraph reports:

Luxury properties are being dumped on the market in Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou for anyone able to pay in cash as crooked officials try to cover their tracks.

A report by the Communist Party’s powerful anti-corruption unit, the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection (CDIC), said “a wave of luxury home sales began last November and has accelerated since December”.

…The CDIC report, which was obtained by the Economic Observer newspaper, suggested that nearly 10,000 luxury homes had been sold by government officials in Guangzhou and Shanghai alone last year.

Take the money and run:

It also claimed that an astonishing $1 trillion (£630 billion), equivalent to 40 per cent of Britain’s annual GDP, had been smuggled out of China illegally in 2012.

…The CDIC said 1,100 government officials had fled China during last year’s national holidays in October and that 714 had been successful in getting away.

All this means you too can be the proud owner of a French-style chateau courtesy of the nouveau riche at a bargain basement price. As an added bonus, it’s probably been built on land liberated from the local nongmin who, as they are now destitute, will be happy to act as indentured servants.

Bored? No problem, feel free to entertain yourself in the KTV room or watch soaps of glorious PLA victories in the IMAX theater. If that’s not enough, feast your eyes on these 10,000 bottles of Château Lafite Rothschild from your personal cellar. Why no, we don’t know where they came from.

Hurry! For a limited time only, a year’s supply of white dressing gowns and slippers is included.

China’s Communist party cadres launch property fire sale (The Telegraph, image China Daily)