Ran E. of the the Chinese food appreciation blog FOODragon witnessed something interesting recently when he typed the Chinese character “eat” into Baidu: the autofill / auto-complete function — which incidentally also likes to reinforce the stereotype that Americans love sluts — suggested this as the top hit: “吃了精子会怎么样” - Eating sperm can lead to what?

The last suggestion was, “Eating what is good for sperm?”

As Ran, ever the academic, observes:

From an academic point of you this is quite interesting because in Chinese there are strict rules about when use the verb ‘eat’ and when to use the verb ‘drink’. The verb eat is only used for actual solid food which requires chewing. Even soup and Porridge are not eaten but drunk in Chinese.Therefore it could be argued that the verb ‘to drink’ is more appropriate linguistically speaking. Then again, in Chinese babies “eat breast milk” (吃奶) so maybe the rules are different for liquids with high levels of vitality…

I’ve taken it a step further and actually pressed ENTER on “吃了精子会怎么样.” Let’s just say the results were unsurprisingly NSFW-ish.

The top two hits were the anodyne 120ask.com and Chinese Wikipedia (zhidao.baidu.com), but some of the answers were, um, less than helpful. “There’s no cure,” one person wrote.

And then, somehow, I was led to this – my translation below — and I realized: people are earnestly asking what happens when you eat sperm because they want to know if there’s pregnancy risk. Of course! Lacking sex-ed in most places, where else but the Internet are people going to turn for such answers?

What happens if you eat sperm? Lots of people want to know if eating sperm can cause pregnancy, if it’ll make one pretty…

Wait a minute. Make one pretty?

Let’s learn together what sperm is made of, find out what will happen if you eat sperm.

The website is baike.PCBaby.com.cn. I just don’t know anymore.

UPDATE, 5:17 pm: Our friend Kaiser sends along this reading suggestion: Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes.

The greatest new app on the market is Baidu Translate, available for Android and iOS, which has the ability to identify and translate everyday objects using only a photograph. Amazing, right? You have no idea.

Contributor, musician, 中国人 Ben Plafker

Video Editor Gabe Clermont, person to take three shots with, attend to supermodel parties with

Contributor Alicia

Managing Editor Patrick Lozada, pregnant but eligible bachelor

Contributor Marjorie Dodson, not an M&M (see: this commercial)

“…that’s the man who molested my kitten!”

Editor-in-Chief Anthony Tao

Maybe the app does better with objects?

Baidu Translate is either a wonderfully earnest answer to Google Goggles or a Kaiser Kuo prank gone horribly right.

Oh, and one of our male contributors did what you would inevitably do with this app. The result was “Black Mini Poodle” and “Syphilis.”

Got fun results of your own? Do share! Tweet them at us or send along the old-fashioned way.

UPDATE:

Two via Sean Silbert:

This one via Twitter:

Via @emilyywu: “Yes both should be treated seriously religiously.”

UPDATE, 2/5, 6:08 pm: And now there’s a Tumblr. Our job is done.

It turns out Baidu has this feature as well. And if you tried to type “American consulate,” this is what happens:

That’s all very normal and not newsworthy.

Whoa, that escalated fast.

If you honed your search a bit by adding one more letter, Baidu quickly pinpoints the exact thought in your head, in essence unzipping your pants for you:

I went ahead and pressed enter after letting autofill complete my search query. American Cocksucking Sluts is apparently an adult film released in 2011 starring Brooklyn Lee, Juelz Ventura, and Gracie Glam. It received a 7.4/10 rating on IMDB, out of eight votes. The other links on the first page were disappointing. Let’s just say there was nothing with which we could add to our list. Damn you, Baidu! Your search filter wins again.

(H/T @uuao)