Apologies for the incredibly bad pun. It’s tough to top “Blowjob for tomatoes” though, all things considered.

At least this posting is funny, unlike some others:

H/T Matt S

This week: A Canadian, an Aussie, an Irish-phile… and calling on all who know how to blow (a “flute”).

The Weatherman
the Beijinger 

Just in case you were still uncertain, Michael REALLY IS FROM CANADA, STOP ASKING HIM ALREADY, OKAY? Despite the odd grammar and poor command of English, Michael is at pains to remind potential soul mates that he does have an American… — sorry, Canadian — green card, and is very, very proud of the fact too. DEAR GOD THE QUEEN DO NOT SEND HIM PRIVATE MESSAGES.

“Flute Player”
the Beijinger 

Is looking for a “flute player” to complete a six-piece ensemble… if you are “good at it.”

Is this a euphemism? Am I missing something?

Pot O’ Gold
the Beijinger

With St. Patrick’s Day just days away, this young lady is desperate to find a dashing young Irish man (or “someone from nearby countries” — so, England then?) to take her to the annual Irish Ball. Must have “good manners” and “not be too fat.” Guess that rules out of most of the fellas in Paddy O’Sheas. Likes Guinness, the Pogues and other Irish stereotypical activities.

G’Day To You Too, Mate
the Beijinger

Wealthy, handsome and willing to “talk…to…you…very…slowly” this young Australian is the complete package. A budding young anthropologist, he likes to “teach English sometimes as a hobby” (he doesn’t need the money!) and finds China “very different to Australia” — now there’s a surprise! Is looking for a potential wife to help spend his family’s tin mining fortune.

By the way, what you got against sending “private messegers at Beijinger,” huh?

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Your weekly guide to Beijing’s most eligible singles.

The Boy Scout
Craig’s List

Always one to plan ahead and brimming with ambition, this young American is looking to “find a beautiful Asian (the most beautiful in the world).” Due to arrive in Beijing in “two weeks.” Likes boats, button-down collars and canned beer.

Top Gun
the Beijinger

Desperate for one last fling before shipping out to the killing fields of Afghanistan Iraq Iran. Lonely young US cadet seeks a like-minded language partner. Feel free to contact him at chinaexpat22@gmail.com.

The Priest
the Beijinger

A man of refined tastes and expensive habits, this self-styled “Catholic gentleman” likes jazz piano, black polo neck sweaters and long walks through the city at night. But contact him “by sending email only!” (exclamation point his). gygi@ymail.com

HOLY SHIT IT’S YOU!
the Beijinger 

Having worked with foreigners “for quite a while,” 24-year personal assistant and Tianjin native Ellen is now looking for a laowai of her own. An extensive list of requirements includes “no causal sex,” “no freaks,” and a preference for “yellow.” She seems to have cleverly used the letter O as an apostrophe. “U” should be “job-occupied” and “email only with clear pic attacted” [sic]. Ms. Ellen also claims a willingness to… ah, who are we kidding, you stopped reading at “no casual sex,” didn’t you?

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