Paris-based electronic musician Uffie (Anna-Catherine Hartle) played in Shanghai’s Mao Livehouse last Saturday, and by all accounts put on one of the most embarrassing shows ever. For 300 yuan, people got to watch her get drunk and stand around, possibly wave her arms, while other DJs played pop and dance music, e.g., Rihanna. It was so bad that the show’s promoters, Four Leaves Productions (who might not be free of blame in this), publicly trashed her afterwards, telling Smart Shanghai, “The whole thing was a total joke.” Meanwhile, Shanghaiist compiled a list of angry complaints on Uffie’s Facebook (since deleted from her account), such as “worst. gig. ever” and “unreal” and “worst gig” and “Worst. Gig. Ever.” Uffie followed up all this with possibly the worst non-apology apology ever (Ever.), which really doesn’t deserve reprinting here, but feel free to check it out.

But what did City Weekend, that lighthouse of expat nightlife, a “reader-powered” promotion, the self-proclaimed “China’s leading English-language lifestyle and entertainment magazine and website,” think of the show?

And though Uffie has certainly played bigger gigs, she didn’t let the small crowd deter her from putting on a good show, as some performers have been known to do in the past. She had great energy on stage, establishing a great rapport with her audience from the second she stepped into the spotlight. All in all, she didn’t disappoint.

(The emphasis is City Weekend’s.)

Oh dear. Readers did not like that.

The second comment of 56 total was, like almost all the others, negative:

I was the Mao Livehouse…and reading this review is as embarrassing for the credibility of that website as the show was for Uffie.

The third comment:

You must have been as wasted as that turd if you think people in attendance “rocked out hard to Uffie’s beats well into the night.”

The fourth:

“Unfortunately for Uffie, however, Mao Livehouse was less than full,” Is it possible that was because people were calling their friends from inside and telling people not to bother? Or because people were leaving because it was crap?

It goes on like this for a while.

Eventually, CW editors are called out, and more than two days after this mess began, dining editor Geoff Ng appears:

Hey guys, apologies for the delay in response and for this review. Without going into the details, we’ve discovered that mistakes were made and we’ve put processes in place to make sure this type of thing doesn’t happen again. Leila’s left the CW family, best of luck to her in the future.

Ng and CW Shanghai’s nightlife editor both politely declined comment, and the writer (a marketing assistant at The Tandoor, according to her LinkedIn profile), has yet to reply to my morning email. (UPDATE, 4:46 pm: Leila just emailed [before she saw this post, presumably] what was essentially a polite “no comment” and said she’s trying to “move on,” which is understandable.) Perhaps we’ll never know what City Weekend has learned after all this — just that “processes” are in place.

But there is a lesson here, of course: if you’re a magazine editor, muzzle the shiny-happy PR-speak. And broadly speaking, keep marketers quarantined on their side of the metaphorical and literal room. (No offense to marketers out there — you’re just usually noxious to editorial content.) It’s a novel concept at lots of Chinese publications, where marketing and editorial often work in symbiosis to make money for the big boss, but when the public figures out your ruse, the trust you lose will be hard to win back. The Uffie debacle is but one example, blown large, of the consequences of tapping an inexperienced writer — a marketer for an Indian restaurant — to pen a critical review.

Serve the reader, not advertisers. Otherwise, the people will call you out.

UPDATE, 7/23, 1:58 pm: CW editor Geoff Ng emails: “A relatively fair account of what happened, but I feel the ending (‘Serve the reader, not advertisers. Otherwise, the people will call you out.’) muddles the issue. The way it’s phrased makes it sound like we were trying to appease some advertiser, which is simply conjecture on your part. If you’re talking about us appeasing the Uffie promoters, they’ve never bought ads with us to my knowledge. If you’re talking about Tandoor (actually an advertiser), I’m not sure how they’re served by an Uffie review of any type.”

Sorry about the low-res image... it's exactly what appears on CW's website. I didn't have the heart to make it cute.

While the Beijinger‘s bloated and brassy PR machine pumps its little steam-piston legs to spread the gospel of the Beijing Expat’s Preference of Place to Get Shitfaced, here’s Grandpa City Weekend shuffling onto the front porch with a tin walker missing a wheel, his hoarse voice rasping into the desolate cockcrow, unaware that it’s 5 am: “Hey. Heyyyyyy. And the winner of the best Beijing-based DJ of the year… Eddie LV. What the Sonny Liston is an LV?” Here’s the full list. We’re particularly confused by why Cepe (on Ritz-Carlton Financial Street, as CW tells us) won the Reader’s Choice for Best Italian Restaurant, while LMPlus won the Editor’s Pick and Bene and Prego both received Honorable Mentions. (Like, all-around confused.) What’s less confusing is why Daniel Urdaneta won the Reader’s Choice for Chef of the Year — I’m guessing it’s because he’s quoted every other month in City Weekend because Mosto is an advertiser. (You didn’t hear that from me though.) Also, is it Reader’s or Readers’? I’m OK with either, but not even City Weekend’s editors seem to know, seeing as how there’s a discrepancy in the article and the logo [8:03 pm: SEE UPDATE AFTER JUMP]. We’ll go with “Reader’s” for the hell of it. I really don’t have any more to say, though I do hold out hope that this year’s CW Reader’s Choice Awards Party video will feature Brooke Hogan. UPDATE, 8:03 pm: The editors have decided: it’s Readers’. Missed one though:

We’ve complained about the snobbishness of Time Out’s food awards, and noted that City Weekend’s attempts to promote its awards can probably do without an Ashley Tisdale soundtrack. Where does that leave us?

Ah, yes, the Beijinger. Top dog for nine years, king of Beijing’s nightlife scene, like Hong Xiuquan reigning over Taiping Heavenly Kingdom. Voting is open until Wednesday in tbj’s thing, in 32 different categories, they tell us, but do we really need to know who has the best mix drink and the best bartender? We want the dirt, Beijinger. We want to commix with the salt of the earth, intoxicating ourselves in vomit and sex, the smell of. But the most “edgy” question you offer is hottest wait staff, and the people voting in that one may as well be voting for Best Den for Lechers. Other questions you fail to ask:

• Where should you avoid if you’re allergic to hipsters?
• What place is the go-to spot for those who don’t care about their inevitable alcohol poisoning?
• What’s a safe place for an ingénue to unwind free from leering eyes?
• Where’s the best place to find a mate, or a hooker?

Luckily, we’re here. Beijing Cream’s Bar and Club Awards feature 22 questions divided into five categories, plus a bonus question in a sixth category at the end. The ballot is embedded after the jump, where you can also take a look at the complete list of questions. Voting is open until Wednesday, May 16. We’ll give you plenty of reminders in the coming days.

CATEGORIES IN BOLD.

1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards:

Dross

• Best Place to Watch English Teachers Try to Pick Up Local Girls
• Best Place for Asian Men to Hit On White Girls
• Safest Place for a Girl to Avoid Being Leered At
• Best Place to Slip Someone a Date Rape Drug and Wander Off

Repugnance

• Most Likely to Accidentally Find Yourself Trapped in a Conversation with Someone You Immediately Realize You Despise
• Place in Which You’re Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”
• Most Likely to Make You Feel Like You Got Fleeced
• Most Likely to Make You Feel You Got Fleeced, Raped and Left for Dead

Alcoholism

• Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days
• Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice
• Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal
• Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

Meta

• Why Even Call it Happy Hour if You’re Only Going to Lower Prices on Tsingtaos by 5 Kuai (i.e. The Tim’s Texas BBQ Award)
• Way Too Far For You to Care
• Absolutely, Positively Worst Music
• Least Likely to be Featured in Any Kind of Bar/Club Award
• Bar You Have Not Been to But is Actually Not Bad

Sex

• Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects
• Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)
• Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker
• Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness
• Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

BONUS QUESTION (in the survey only)

I’ll leave the bulk of the editorializing to you, the readers, but I do want to say this: the person who thought footage of expats and service industry professionals schmoozing on the rooftop of Migas could be enhanced by adding an Ashley Tisdale soundtrack was possibly mistaken.

Beijing’s Awards Season is the adult equivalent of a preschool field day in which paper plates emblazoned with words like “Super Citizenship Award” and “Star Performer!” and “Perfect Attendance” are handed out. You have a heavy duty, Beijingers. Go reward the children for their superlative job playing with trucks and not pooping in their pants.