The 1st Annual Beijing Cream Bar And Club Awards, Where (Almost) No One Is Spared

We’ve complained about the snobbishness of Time Out’s food awards, and noted that City Weekend’s attempts to promote its awards can probably do without an Ashley Tisdale soundtrack. Where does that leave us?

Ah, yes, the Beijinger. Top dog for nine years, king of Beijing’s nightlife scene, like Hong Xiuquan reigning over Taiping Heavenly Kingdom. Voting is open until Wednesday in tbj’s thing, in 32 different categories, they tell us, but do we really need to know who has the best mix drink and the best bartender? We want the dirt, Beijinger. We want to commix with the salt of the earth, intoxicating ourselves in vomit and sex, the smell of. But the most “edgy” question you offer is hottest wait staff, and the people voting in that one may as well be voting for Best Den for Lechers. Other questions you fail to ask:

  • Where should you avoid if you’re allergic to hipsters?
  • What place is the go-to spot for those who don’t care about their inevitable alcohol poisoning?
  • What’s a safe place for an ingénue to unwind free from leering eyes?
  • Where’s the best place to find a mate, or a hooker?

Luckily, we’re here. Beijing Cream’s Bar and Club Awards feature 22 questions divided into five categories, plus a bonus question in a sixth category at the end. The ballot is embedded after the jump, where you can also take a look at the complete list of questions. Voting is open until Wednesday, May 16. We’ll give you plenty of reminders in the coming days.

CATEGORIES IN BOLD.

1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards:

Dross

  • Best Place to Watch English Teachers Try to Pick Up Local Girls
  • Best Place for Asian Men to Hit On White Girls
  • Safest Place for a Girl to Avoid Being Leered At
  • Best Place to Slip Someone a Date Rape Drug and Wander Off

Repugnance

  • Most Likely to Accidentally Find Yourself Trapped in a Conversation with Someone You Immediately Realize You Despise
  • Place in Which You’re Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”
  • Most Likely to Make You Feel Like You Got Fleeced
  • Most Likely to Make You Feel You Got Fleeced, Raped and Left for Dead

Alcoholism

  • Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days
  • Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice
  • Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal
  • Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

Meta

  • Why Even Call it Happy Hour if You’re Only Going to Lower Prices on Tsingtaos by 5 Kuai (i.e. The Tim’s Texas BBQ Award)
  • Way Too Far For You to Care
  • Absolutely, Positively Worst Music
  • Least Likely to be Featured in Any Kind of Bar/Club Award
  • Bar You Have Not Been to But is Actually Not Bad

Sex

  • Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects
  • Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)
  • Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker
  • Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness
  • Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

BONUS QUESTION (in the survey only)

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3 + = twelve