An AH-64E Apache helicopter appears to have tried to land on the side of a residential building on Zhongzheng Road in Longtan, Taoyuan, Taiwan around 10 am this morning. Helicopters should not try to land on the side of buildings. The two pilots — one of whom was reportedly a student — were sent to the hospital.

The helicopter, identified as No. 808, was making a routine training run when it crashed due to a suspected “mechanical malfunction,” though the Taiwanese military is still investigating.

Here’s the AH-64E Apache during better days:

(H/T Mike Yeo)

Adapted with permission from Hug China.

Compared to conventional present requests for chocolates, mountain bikes, red envelops stuffed with money, or even miniature Lamborghinis, this one seems the hardest to fulfill: last Spring Holiday, a boy in Qingdao, Shandong province asked his grandfather for a model Liaoning Aircraft Carrier.

Eighty-year-old Wen Yuzhu however, was nonplussed. He spent a month building a miniature aircraft carrier that is 1/25th the size of the real Liaoning, China’s first aircraft carrier. Wen’s model can’t fight in a real battle of course, but it’s by far bigger than anything in the toy store.

Wen told reporters that the model, currently parked on a Qingdao beach, will be finished by the next rising tide.

World’s best grandpa builds this miniature Liaoning aircraft carrier (Hug China) (Images via Netease)

Do not mess with the Taiwanese Special Forces. They will suck the soul out of you and beat it to a pulp. With their eyes. In your nightmares.

The above is via Rocket News 24, which calls these guys a “Special Force clone army.”

Other than the obvious added protection and intimidation factor of the masks, there is one other possible explanation for the Taiwanese government issuing them: they don’t want us to realize that they’ve actually just introduced a horrifying army of supersoldier Boba Fett clones.

Another look:

We’re all for a good martial outfit, but can we offer an alternative design? One that conveys conflict resolution instead of death to your mother and your extended family?

(H/T Alicia)

Appreciate them, damnit. The charm.

As tweeted by @PeopleDaily_USA and subsequently pilloried by everyone on Twitter — not because we’re not appreciative of our men and women in uniform, but there’s no small amount of casual sexism happening here, and… why again is this happening? – this Facebook album. Samples below.

What do you think of when you think of the military? Pomp? Austerity? Solemnity?

Or, just maybe, Swedish pop band A*Teens’s dippy pop hit “Bouncing Off the Ceiling”?

Cadets at Huaqiao University in Xiamen, Fujian province are out to change some impressions, it seems. They recently broke out a mass dance while in formation, turning a military inspection into a musical moment, and the video’s since gone viral on Chinese Internet — 336,000 views in just the last day.

Eric Fish of Sinostand recently wrote about military training at Chinese academies, junxun, how it is a “microcosm of how Chinese youth today both embrace and subconsciously resist the carrots and sticks that the Communist Party uses to keep their support.” This video shows… another side of it.

There are plenty of reasons to not like Pacific Rim, the latest summer action movie to come off Hollywood’s assembly line. That the film reflects “the United States’ Asia-Pacific strategy” should not be one of those reasons.

China’s PLA (People’s Liberation Army) Daily, everyone:

There aren’t many new selling points with this movie, but the United States’ Asia-Pacific strategy reflected in the movie is worth thinking about.

That line appears in a recent editorial titled, “Pacific Rim Disparages China, Reminds People of US-Japan Alliance,” as translated by chinaSMACK.

At a critical moment during a Kaiju attack, the American Jaeger pilot saves the Japanese girl Mako. Trained by the Americans, Mako then also becomes a Jaeger pilot. After defeating the Kaiju, she hugs her wounded American partner and emotionally says, “I don’t want to let you go”, which reminds us of the real world US-Japan alliance.

Hollywood should deeply self-reflect on its script featuring a Japanese character who isn’t a kamikaze pilot and doesn’t appear to be a lieutenant hell-bent on rape.

Hollywood spares no effort in picking materials for its blockbusters and propagating American values and global strategy. [Ed's note: Ice Age, Die Another Day, and Lord of War are the movies that are cited as examples. We're going to skip ahead.] American blockbusters not only suck away billions of yuan from China every year, what’s more terrible is that they secretly plant Western values in China’s youth, just as former United States Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said, ”What’s more important is that we have China’s youth learn how to think with American values, and to use American systems and rules to do things.” So it appears that Pacific Rim, in its subject-matter, plot, scenes, main characters, etc., continues the same old Hollywood formula, coinciding with America’s current Asia-Pacific strategy, and thus it is self-evident what the Kaiju actually are [represent].

If PLA Daily had just stopped at “continues the same old Hollywood formula,” I’d find myself nodding politely. But the problem isn’t that China’s biggest military publication, like the rest of us, thinks less of Hollywood for its mindless action-adventure comedies, but that it thinks more of them. It thinks they matter.

So our many officers and men must remove the scales from their eyes [see clearly, be vigilant], build up an ideological “firewall”, and learn how to see American blockbusters from multiple perspectives.

Multiple perspectives? Pacific Rim isn’t a David Lynch film, guys. Hollywood doesn’t treat itself half as seriously as this.

What is especially important is to plan ahead and prepare for danger, to expand and intensify military battle-readiness, raise our ability to fight wars and win wars, firmly safeguarding our nation’s interests of sovereignty, safety, and development.

This is where we slowly back out of the room.

PLA Daily: ‘Pacific Rim’ Disparages China, Netizen Reactions (chinaSMACK)

Chinese media gets fooled by things occasionally. Usually it’s satire that gets them, but recently, the Chinese edition of Global Times discovered it could embarrass itself in totally new and interesting ways.

By mistaking DeviantArt for the real thing.

As Kotaku reports:

On Global Times’ website Huanqiu.com, the text reads, “This appeared online today; it seems to be a concept for a Japanese Self Defense Force armed helicopter made by the Japanese military complex.” The paper also added, “One can see that because this type of technology is not yet available, it looks like something out of science fiction.”

The website sort of played up the story, with a full slideshow…

…without realizing or caring the picture is plainly, obviously watermarked DeviantArt, specifically Meganerid.deviantart.com.

This site. Which has stuff like this:

And this:

And one more:

Really, now, Global Times.

Kotaku continues:

On Chinese social networking site Weibo, people are baffled at how this helicopter would even fly. “This design looks cool but there isn’t anything special, does it even fly?” asked Weibo user hanyu_cger. “Without a tail rudder how does it maneuver?” Others thought it looks more like a comic book design than a military one. Some even claimed it was totally real, while others said it was a Japanese rip-off. Nobody really seemed to realize the DeviantArt URL (probably because it just looked like a string of English words).

It could be worse, we suppose.

Chinese Newspaper Confuses the Japanese Military with…DeviantArt (Kotaku)

Okay guys, shelve the jokes. Who among us has handled live explosives and knows the special feeling of a shrapnel-packed weapon ticking down to our doom? Adrenaline gushing through the veins of our throwing arm, would our toss be guaranteed a certain distance, the ideal trajectory, so that the projectile — shrapnel-packed, explosive — doesn’t bounce back at our feet, as it does here, in this video, to the poor female recruit and her two companions?

In Mengzi county, Yunnan province, here’s a training session that nearly goes completely FUBAR. The quick-thinking instructor, probably acting on instinct, pushes the female recruit into a protective trench when the grenade ricochets back at them. The other man, a commander, relatively calmly hits the deck as well and waits for the grenade to burst into pieces — harmlessly, thank goodness.

It’s understood that the grenade was of the 82-1 variety, with a kill radius exceeding six meters. The training ground is designed on a slope precisely because some forward-thinking engineer imagined just this scenario: the greenhorn who hasn’t yet mastered the art of lobbing time bombs away from the body. And let’s not forget: this has happened to the Chinese army before.

So. Who’s ready for some war, yeah?

China took another step toward legitimizing its Soviet-purchased aircraft carrier, the Liaoning, on Sunday when five pilots of J-15 fighter jets successfully landed on the carrier, led by squadron leader Dai Mingmeng. Even though experts say it’ll be at least four years before the Liaoning is “fully combat capable,” according to China Daily, Sunday’s exercise was nonetheless a milestone for the People’s Liberation Army…

…for netizens to poop on.

Take a look at the above video (just resign yourself to the fact that it’s set to Gangnam Style; it’s been viewed 464,000 times in the last day). Here’s a screenshot via Ministry of Tofu:

As Ministry of Tofu writes: “This is a screen grab of a news segment about the successful take-off and landing of J15. In the image, two flight deck crew members, also known as shooters, give a hand signal they’ve copied from the U.S. navy to the pilot to launch the fighter jet. Chinese netizens immediately picked up the amusing-looking signal and gave it their own little twists.”

Actually, that particular screen grab shows two men wearing rabbit ears pretending to shoot dead a carrot tree. But, you know… Liaoning, military, war, rabbits, what’s the difference? We’re all dead in the end, might as well laugh along the way.

While we’re on the subject, remember to pour one out for Luo Yang, 51, general director of the J-15 research team, who died of a heart attack aboard the Liaoning on Sunday morning following the successful take-off and landing tests. Poor guy: lived just long enough to see the fulfillment of his life’s dream.

Update, 5:06 pm: With thanks to Kevin Ma:

By Pyrrhic Victor

Yesterday morning, People’s Daily went full defensive over “irresponsible remarks” regarding China’s Varyag Liaoning aircraft carrier.

The article kicks off in true PD fashion, with a title befitting an elementary student who’s been told to shut up and stop showing off his new toy:

Stop making irresponsible remarks about China’s aircraft carrier

The article attempts to downplay the importance of China finally officially handing over the carrier to the People’s Liberation Army Navy:

The United States alone has 11 aircraft carrier battle groups, and there is nothing special about China’s first aircraft carrier at all.

Well, yes and no. On the one hand, when Chinluck (Holding) Co. Ltd. purchased the ship for use as a hotel from Ukraine in 1998, it was unfinished, stripped down, and rotting in the shipyard. It had no engine, no rudders, and no operating systems. Now that it’s seaworthy and commissioned, the Liaoning shares roughly the same specifications as most of the other carriers in the world that aren’t owned by US or France (theirs are nuclear powered), except there’s no indication that everything on Liaoning is working properly. It is currently being used as a training platform in the Bohai Gulf and as yet does not host any fixed-wing aircraft.

On the other hand, its a fucking Aircraft Carrier. Of the 153 countries in the world with any measure of coastline, only 10 countries can boast having such a thing. In this respect the Liaoning is special indeed. Operational carriers serve as key bargaining chips in asymmetric warfare and allow for fast, precise, and overwhelming projection of force when used in theater. To downplay it as “nothing special” is a gross understatement — nay, an irresponsible understatement, despite its current role and humble beginnings.

Why exactly are carriers so important? How can they tip the scales during a conflict? The answer lies in force projection. To understand this you need to have a basic understanding of the fighter planes that are used on carriers, their combat roles, and their limitations. If you’re a Westerner reading this, you’ve probably already seen the film Top Gun. If not, step away from this article for 90 minutes, go watch it and come back. No, it’s cool, I’ll wait.

OK, are you back? Did you enjoy young Tom Cruise before he went batshit insane? More importantly, did you enjoy those dogfights? Great! I like them too! Too bad they’re a far cry from the reality of carrier-based fighter missions.

Dogfights are actually extremely rare. Fighter pilots still train intensely for them to be prepared if they ever actually have to be in one, but dogfights are all but a thing of the past. The last time any US fighter was involved in a wartime air-to-air engagement was during the Bosnian-Serbian conflict in the late ’90s. The last time there was hostile engagement between any two fighters was in 2006 between Greek and Turkish F16s.

Most fighter missions from carriers (during an actual conflict) are either threat deterrent for the carrier group, patrols, or strategic bombing runs. During a conflict, a carrier group will post itself in international waters (recognized as 12 nautical miles off the coast of any country) and launch its fighters into enemy airspace. Bombing runs usually target a country’s infrastructure. Targets generally include bridges, airstrips, military factories, strategic geographic choke points, etc.

And here we get to why carriers are so crucial. As a pilot, unless you’re flying a B-2, you’re probably not going to fly a bombing run that launches from your own country. Jets have a very limited range. This goes double when you begin to consider how much fuel is consumed by the sheer weight of ammunition. Placing an aircraft on a carrier effectively extends the range of the jets by thousands of nautical miles (nmi).

The Liaoning has a range of 3,850 nmi (7,130 kilometers/4,430 miles) and can last about 45 days at sea before needing to refresh supplies. This of course can be extended to more than 1,000 nmi with aerial refueling. China has announced that Liaoning will carry J-15s, which are an indigenously produced variant of the Russian Su-33. These have a shorter range than the Hornet*, the jet of choice on US Nimitz class carriers (FA-18 Hornets have a combat radius of roughly 400 nmi, or 460 mi/740 km; the Nimitz carriers, because they’re nuclear powered, basically have unlimited range).

*This is due to a combination of the amount of thrust required for the ramp launch used on carriers like Liaoning and the weight of the plane itself (20 tons empty and unarmed). Because of the fuel consumption/weight issues, these planes also carry a smaller payload than other carrier-launched aircraft. China and Russia also lack the level of aerial refueling capabilities that the US enjoys and as a result the range of these jets remains limited to whatever fuel they were given before take-off (more fun facts here). 

The Liaoning will also be home to two types of helicopters, the Russian KA-31 and the Changhe Z-8. China already employs the KA-31 on its Sovremenny Class Destroyers, and the Z-8 on a number of its Frigates. Both are multifunctional aircraft, but are commonly used for anti-submarine warfare.

In other words, the carrier upgrades China’s military capabilities by untold factors. But it also serves another purpose.

In peacetime, carriers frequently serve as diplomatic tools. A carrier group parked off a country’s coast when tensions flare during negotiations is the ultimate expression of Teddy Roosevelt’s “Big Stick” policy. Carrier groups are the Samuel L. Jacksons of the seas, reminding everyone that, “We’re going to be cool like Fonzie.”

The Liaoning isn’t at that stage yet; it’s more of a Tito, serving as a training vessel for two other carriers that are reportedly under construction at the Dalian shipyard and expected to launch around 2015.

When China finally does field a carrier for practical use, expect it to be used primarily as a deterrent in territorial disputes. China may have the third largest navy in the world, but due to fuel and other resource limitations, it remains a fairly liminal force. It will be much longer before China has the capability of deploying its navy far outside of territorial waters. Aircraft carriers are very vulnerable and require escort from multiple ships at once if they wish to survive an altercation. Presently, China may have enough ships to form one carrier group, but to do so would mean pulling very important ships away from where they are needed most.

Anyway, back to People’s Daily, which continues with the usual litany of attempts at underhanded jabs at Western nations:

Although China has become a military powerhouse, it will never bully the weak. Certain countries that like to bully the weak have absolutely no right to make irresponsible remarks about China’s aircraft carrier.

Despite the article’s downplay of Liaoning’s importance, and it’s threadbare attempts to paint China as the continuous whipping boy of Western bullies, I can’t help but think that the most vulgar sin of the article is this:

Chinese navy’s escort mission in Somalia waters over the years has fully proved that it is a brave and responsible country.

I will not decry, deny, or otherwise belittle PLAN’s involvement in UN missions to the Gulf of Aden. But for People’s Daily to say that this fully proves China to be a brave and responsible country completely disregards the fact that China has provided a steady flow of small arms to African nations such as Sudan, which have trickled down to Darfur and other conflict regions. Given the prevalence of Chinese weaponry in Africa, it stands to reason that many of the arms carried by the Somali pirates that China has been so bravely and responsibly thwarting were very likely obtained as a result of China’s very irresponsible actions of shipping such armaments.

The article ends with a few statements of China’s intent for the future:

China will change neither the regional strategic balance nor its strategic intentions and development road though it has an aircraft carrier.

China has the third largest Navy in the world, and while the addition of Liaoning hasn’t changed that, it certainly has marked a change in the region’s strategic balance.

As for not changing its strategic intentions or development road: to that, I have no doubt — whatever they might be.

Pyrrhic Victor is a former US military linguist whose specialty was Mandarin and Chinese military affairs. After he discovered that he could not become an atheist chaplain, he did his four years and got out.

While Japanese and Taiwanese ships continue playing with their super soakers in the South Pacific, netizens have commented that the Taiwanese ships don’t shoot very straight or with force. Indeed, in the video above, you’ll see that it does look like they’re just pissing — which completely makes sense, since Japan and China are just having a pissing contest at this point.

Meanwhile, Time Magazine blares in its headline, “History Threatens Repeat in Renewed Pacific War.” Renewed Pacific war?

The good news is that there won’t be a new war in Asia. The bad news is that the old one never really ended. And with Japanese and foreign patrol boats firing water cannons at each other this week…

Yes, war — bring out the water balloons!

…it may not be long before the real shooting resumes.

Real shooting???

“The dispute over the Senkaku Islands is a direct legacy of the Pacific War. For many people, particularly in China, that war is still going on,” says Liu Jie, professor of history and international relations at Tokyo’s Waseda University.

That’s overstating it, obviously. There has always been anti-Japanese sentiment ever since Japan marched into Manchuria and landed in south China, terrorized the populace, killing about 10 million Chinese, many of them civilians, and many under horrific circumstances.

But renewed war? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For one thing, the Taiwan ships aren’t even equipped with real water cannons. As the newscaster tells us, “A coast guard employee said helplessly, The water is used for cleaning naval vessels, not for waging ‘water wars.’”

Time to invest in a Banzai Aqua Tech Transmorpher!

(Wait, what’s that? “Banzai” is Japanese? Well fuck.)

China has been proudly showing off its new toy, the aircraft carrier Liaoning, for several days now. The above is an interview conducted by CCTV-9 with Liaoning’s captain, a senior colonel of the PLA navy named Zhang Zheng.

The man makes a good impression. As Bill of Sinocism notes, “When will a US Admiral speak Chinese as well as this Chinese Admiral speaks English?” Ku6 video for those in China after the jump.