So, before I begin, I guess I should get one thing out of the way: I write that show that all expats seem to hate but Chinese people seem to like – see the sketch I wrote about potatoes.

Yes, of course you could no doubt do it better; and yes, I agree, why do they even bother employing us? We’re not even funny. Now that I’ve saved you the hassle of leaving those sentiments in the comments section, I’ll get to the nitty gritty.

Several days ago, Tao sent me an email asking for a comment on a video that I had never seen before. Said video was of my co-host, Rob Hemsley, from that show you all hate, rapping in Chinese about being a gangster panda(!). Yes, honestly. As far as I can tell, it isn’t a parody. I had absolutely no clue what it was about and was a little perplexed by the whole thing, as Rob basically went off and filmed it of his own accord.

Tao asked for a breakdown of the video and a profile of “the enigma that is Rob Hemsley,” so here goes:

You know you’re in for a fucking treat when the first line of the song is “Yeeah, yeeah.” Wearing a snazzy single-breasted suit, Rob flexes his Chinese with the line “脱掉 (take it off).” A conveniently pretty Chinese girl appears and proceeds to take off a panda suit that she just so happens to be wearing. She spends the rest of the song swaying back and forth, looking aimlessly around in her bra and pants.

The following line is “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah.” Classic line, probably took a while to come up with but no doubt the right thing to do.

What follows is a couple of references to movies stars/characters such as actor Simon Yam, fictional characters Li Kui and Chan Ho-Nam, and a quick mention of Yip Man – the Asian demographic will be super-pleased.

When the chorus hits, there’s more “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah” lines to get you in the mood, alongside scattered shots of Rob wearing sunglasses and shots of him not wearing sunglasses. Occasionally the girl is leaning on him, and at other times she isn’t.

A bit later, after Rob says, “All the ladies love me, but Chinese girls are my favourite,” the young lady takes her bra off with her back to the camera. Next scene, it’s back on again! It’s getting crazy now.

There’s a bit more posturing and Rob tells the girl to take it all off – she doesn’t. The song finishes up with a few more “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeahs,” and Rob says several sentences in what sounds like an American accent, while the girl repeatedly holds up her hair, for what reason I’m not quite sure.

It’s clear that Rob has done his research on the world of hip hop.

Does the video have a woman in a bra and panties for no reason?

You better believe it!

Does that same woman simulate oral sex with a lollipop whilst the camera lingers for slightly too long, all the while maintaining constant eye contact?

Of course she does.

Does the performer constantly use the word “Yeeeah” over and over again, punctuated by the occasional grunt?

You betcha… Yeeeah, Uh!

The most impressive thing about the whole video though is that Rob wrote the lyrics (according to the credits), which is amazing considering that Rob doesn’t (or didn’t as of last week) even speak Chinese.

If anything, this is just more proof that Rosetta Stone really does work. Either that, or Rob has mastered the art of writing English lyrics, which, when translated into Chinese, automatically rhyme. Incredible!

Interesting fact: Rob almost broke the Guinness World Record for eating Chinese chuanr kebabs during a recent eating contest in Solana, Beijing. He ate 45 huge chuanr sticks in 15 minutes. The record was broken on the same day by a guy who ate 46. The prize: an all-expenses-paid trip to the World Cup in Brazil. Gutted!

Sigh, links.

Gross if true. “Reports of stray dogs being buried alive in north China have caused a furore online with thousands of posts slamming an ‘inhumane’ and ‘shameful’ act. // A post on Sina Weibo has appealed for help after scores of stray dogs are seen trapped in a pit near a garbage dump in Alxa Left Banner in the Inner Mongolia Autonomous Region.” (Shanghai Daily)

Nice security, Australia. “The Chinese intelligence agencies that penetrated Australia’s parliamentary computer network in 2011 may have been inside the system for up to a year and had access to documents and emails that reveal the political, professional and social links across the political world, according to seven sources with knowledge of the breach.” (The Age)

The Big Bang Theory, The Good Wife, NCIS, The Practice all removed from Chinese streaming sites. “Last Friday, the State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SAPPRFT) ordered the above-mentioned 4 US TV shows to be taken off streaming sites, in proceeding with new regulations that aimed at closing loopholes that allowed foreign shows to thrive on the Chinese Internet. From now, all foreign TV shows need to be ‘approved’ before being aired online, which subjects streaming websites to the same censors as China’s conventional TV stations.” (Offbeat China)

Apologizing for porn, still stripped. “Sina Corporation, owner of one of China’s most visited websites, is sorry. Very sorry. So sorry, in fact, that it has apologized not once but twice to its readers and the national antipornography office, which last week found that lewd material had made its way onto the Sina site.” (Sinosphere)

Corollary: “China is going after Japanese porn stars on Weibo.” (That’s Online)

Uri Tours brought in a guy who wanted to leave the US. This is not how you leave the US. “Matthew Todd Miller was detained by North Korean officials for his “rash behavior” while going through customs at the Pyongyang airport on April 10, the North’s state-run news media said Friday. North Korea accused him of tearing up his tourist visa and demanding asylum.” (NY Times)

Expat doing journalism in China. “Yet three years after I graduated, I sold out to the Chinese government. Cheaply. I didn’t realise the ink was dry on the bill of sale until well after I’d collected my booby prize: a free 10-day trip to the country’s northwest corner, Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region. Don’t let the prefix ‘autonomous’ mislead, the place is anything but. Actually, ‘free 10-day trip’ is also a bit of a misnomer. It was more a whirlwind frog-march through China’s far-west development. The trip was arranged by China Intercontinental Press, a subsidiary of China’s State Council Information Office, henceforth referred to as ‘my censors.’” (Leslie Anne Jones, Aeon Magazine)

“Do You Want To Be My Boyfriend” — Frozen parody – interlude:

Finally…

We’ll be putting up a podcast of Writers and Rum later this week, but until now, read “Big in Beijing.” (Carlos Ottery, the Anthill)

Beijing Film Festival results. (The Hollywood Reporter)

“Why China’s Government Is Scared of Rumors in One Video.” (WSJ)

“Cute or creepy? Man photoshops self into girlfriend’s childhood photos.” (That’s Online)

“Sichuan man throws 10,000 yuan in cash from top of 30m bridge.” (Shanghaiist)

Woman kills 1,000 flies a day. (Daily Mail)

“3 held after gang intimidated motorist into buying ‘tiger paw.’” (Shanghai Daily)

“No Ovens? No Problem. Martha Stewart Plots China Cupcake Revolution.” (WSJ)

Finally, finally…

Via the Beijinger, “Yellow Peril: 79 Percent of Beijingers Fine with Children Urinating in Public”:

The Guardian recently published a series of photos by Ami Vitale, who was given exclusive access to the Wolong National Nature Reserve in Chengdu to photograph the giant panda, a creature that you and I and the general public knows as comely and cute. Vitale, however, reveals a darker, sinister side, a world of paraphilia, cages, and kinkplay in which China’s national symbol is transformed into an object of flesh that – willingly or unwillingly — engages in deviant sex and/or some sort of atavistic fetishism. Prepare to never look at pandas the same way — or the bipeds who love them.

(And you wonder why I wrote panda erotic fiction.)

Inside the giant panda research centre – in pictures (The Guardian)

What’s your cure for pain? If you say television, you’re sadder than sad can be. But if you say television and you’re a giant panda, you must live in the plushy confines of Yunnan Wild Animal Park. Check out the smirk on that ursine flaneur!

Via Xinhua, pandas at the aforementioned zoo watch TV to relax and kick away the blues. Three pandas from Chengdu’s famous Wolong Panda Reserve — survivors of the devastating 2008 Wenchuan Earthquake — reportedly call this Kunming zoo home.

No word on which channel is the porn and whether it’s blurred out like it was on certain three-digit TV channels of our youth, forcing them to masturbate to the sound of sex and forever upsetting the delicate sensory balance of perceiving eroticism.

(H/T Chris Buckley)

POSTSCRIPT: Cure for Pain:

UPDATE:

The lonely panda in Kunming must feel very postmodern: http://t.co/KqMY2XHGSo pic.twitter.com/tzL26ri2N2

— Chris Buckley 储百亮 (@ChuBailiang) April 15, 2014

UPDATE, 4/28, 6:36 pm: Good news: at least one of the pandas is no longer depressed. Via Xinhua:

In a bid to cheer her up, keepers at the reserve let her watch TV and built a swing for her to play on. The return of Si Jia’s appetite was a good sign that their hard work had paid off.

Bao Bao is Washington DC National Zoo’s seven-month-old panda cub, son of (the rather fertile) Mei Xiang, on loan from China. On Tuesday, he took his first steps in his mother’s outdoor pen, and yes, there is video.

Let this be your 16-second reminder that spring is in full bloom, and you should probably be spending more time outside.

Bao Bao is busy exploring with Mei Xiang nearby #WeSaveSpecies pic.twitter.com/ajzJ116dIJ

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) April 1, 2014

And here’s a Bao Bao close-up, via DCist:

And via Chinese media:

The bawdy and good folk of That’s Shanghai have published the three winning entries from its erotic fiction competition held earlier this month at Glamour Bar as part of the Capital M Literary Festival. (You might remember Jacob Dreyer’s review of the event for this site, which was heavy on Bai Ling.) As That’s editor Ned Kelly so delicately summarizes:

Sam Gaskin, champ in 2012, got all Tang Dynasty sex texty with us, Eric Fung Chen did it in a hospital, Jamie Fullerton imagined scenes of intimacy happening at the Camel Pub Quiz, Aymeric Fraise had a thing for a tattooed lady and Shanghai soul man Carlton J. Smith talked about anal sex in threesome done in relationships (and got away with it, but only because he is Carlton J. Smith…)

…Best Story was a shared between Danielle LeClerc, with a tale about Sapphic love, and Anthony Tao, with a tale so revolting you’ll just have to read it for yourselves.

But the big winner of the night – the huge throbbing winner of the night – was Meredith Yarbrough, whose Invasion of the Ferns was a tale of intergalactic automaton love coming a cropper in Shanghai, earning her Best Performance and People’s Choice, and two vibrators (and probably Best Story had we not felt the need to share the honors out a bit).

Danielle LeClerc’s “Pink,” Meredith Yarbrough’s “Invasion of the Ferns,” and my story, “The Biwalkers,” are all on the That’s website, so go on over there for a read. The Biwalkers is also republished below with permission. “So revolting,” says Ned Kelly.

~~

The Biwalkers

We are simple, we are persistent, and we are like you in every way except one. We are spirits unafraid to transgress, to truly love those who are different. We are biwalkers. Or, as the world calls us, beasts. I prefer that designation. Save the linguistic flounce and ribbed crepe for Valentine’s Day poems. We’ve been driven from the traveling circuses of the American south, the ranches of Mexico, and the petting zoos of northern Europe. We’ve offended Russian mobsters, been banned from temples, and beaten up by Southeast Asian sex workers. There is only one place left on this earth that would harbor our kind, one enclave where we can safely express our malformed rapacity and harpy lust: Shanghai.

Through one of my zoo connections, I was introduced to a woman known as Madame S. I arrived as instructed, at a back entrance precisely ninety minutes after closing, along with Hector Madagew, a friend I met on a SHEXpat online forum. As we waited, he nervously flicked cigarettes, half-smoked, onto the pavement, where he crushed them to embers with the tip of his boot. Eventually a rotund figure, like the shadow of a blimp, appeared out of the leafy shades.

“I’ve been expecting you,” she cooed in Chinese. I imagined her breath smelled like tar. A wicked smile like a knife wound spanned her pudgy face.

I grunted and walked ahead to indicate we were not men for words.

I felt her ghastly, vile smile directed at me. She caught up and overtook us. We were guided off the main path, through bushes. She snapped on a flashlight, likely for our benefit – I suspect she’d made this trip before. Finally, she put out an arm to motion us to slow. We had reached the edge of the pen.

We lowered ourselves down the embankment, grabbing at the bamboo to keep steady. I don’t know how, but that whale of a woman deftly, soundlessly joined us. Her light directed my vision toward a back wall, where I saw them, closer than in dreams: the brown of their eyes rippling with the water of desire, their snouts wet enough to sniff our warmness, soft like a gentle uncoiling, hard like a spring-loaded release into the pleasurable and unspeakable. One of them was turned to a side, its rump like a sumptuous moon ten thousand miles from here to nowhere. I imagine they must have shivered, sensing the eruption of our pheromones as we approached.

“This one is Cao Cao,” Madame introduced. “And that one over there is Sao Sao.”

“The little one is mine,” I said.

“Now, now, you have all night.”

“Which I’ll need.”

“Goodness, you biwalkers are as they say. Your lust is as imponderable as the jungle.”

Was she teasing, that bloated beast?

“Would you prefer the boy panda or the girl?” she asked.

I grimaced.

“Do you prefer one hole or…”

I hastily waved off her question. “No need for such vulgarity.”

Hector shifted where he stood.

“You have arranged the payment?”

“Yes, yes of course.”

“Good,” Madame said, again contorting her face. Normal people turn the sides of their lips upwards to smile, but hers went the other way. “Give me a smoke, now that we’re friends.” I elbowed Hector and motioned at his cigarettes, and he obliged. She took two. “We will go inside, where your suits are, and you will give me the money. Cao Cao and Sao Sao will then be let off their chains, per instruction. And then” – this next part she said in English – “the hunt begin.”

~

I know all about you: you who retain, in your immaculate marrow and God- or death-fearing bosom, traces of humanity. But imagine, for a moment, your heart not as an 11-ounce pump of life and blood but a caged gerbil you both loathe and adore. Watch it run. Watch it pursue its reflection in the glass, for otherwise shame seizes it and drowns it with unqualified love.

Ah, the hunt.

“Put out that cigarette, Mad,” I snapped. He did so. We hardly breathed as we tiptoed in our panda suits.

A rustling made us freeze.

Hector switched on his torch: the shaft of light landed square on his mark’s face. “Ah-ha!” he shouted, his voice like a pistol shot. He rushed off, and I knew better than to follow. The next five minutes were a mad scramble. I was assaulted by scents of displaced twigs, damp leaves, and the sound of scurrying feet. Just as quickly as it started, it stopped, again with Hector’s voice: “I got you now, ha ha!” There was a sharp, ursine cry, some punching or pounding, a bout of heavy breathing, a squeal, and then Hector again – “OW! ha ha!” – before he and his prey – lord help that panda – found their rhythm.

My ardor gained expression then and there, a fire blossoming into conflagration. I aimed my light in all directions with no discretion. It passed like a flash, or a delirium: a muzzle, a mat of black and white. I imagined moist marbles for eyes filling with resplendence upon my entrance. I took four quick paces, dropped my light, and leapt.

The panda resisted only perfunctorily, oddly silent. I dragged it to the base of a massive tree on an incline and bent it across the bough. “You like it dirty, I hope,” I crooned. And then I began.

What has become of me? What transformation? Is it possible to become what you so desperately seek? I am a panda, I said. I am a panda. I am a panda. I am a panda. Three minutes or so later, we were done. I rolled off that mound of fur and flesh and exhaled into the crisp night’s cover.

“That was a lot of fun.”

I froze.

I listened with my eyes, hoping my other senses could undo the mistake of my ears.

The silence persisted. Blood flushed into my cheeks. The gerbil in my chest ached for breath.

“But,” I began. I did not know what I meant to say. I heard the click of a lighter. Once. Twice.

“You’re…”

Squinting, I rubbernecked, my nose twitching, and in that antic dark which concealed everything, even desire, one pall of moonlight swept across like revelation over a hairless surface: copper, peach, lustrous like saliva, or the calk of plastic bamboo, her dermis glabrous and sickly like that of a… biwalker. The smell of tar infested my nostrils before I could see: cigarette smoke; an aslant, grotesque grin.

I didn’t intend to publish this video via WhiteHouse.gov’s “The First Lady’s Trip to China” blog — it’s Michelle Obama and her family’s last day in China, spent in Chengdu with pandas — but near the minute-mark, I found myself inadvertently chuckling at the sight of a panda pawing, with oversized mitts, at a slice of apple dangling from a hole, and — you know what? — why the heck not, here’s the First Lady and family feeding pandas.

Panda-haters, I’m gonna go ahead and preempt you: stop hating.

It’s a lovely day in Beijing, by the way. Go make the most out of the remaining hours of this afternoon.

Ylvis’s hit “The Fox” (What Does the Fox Say?) was the surprise viral song of the late summer. We can’t believe it’s taken all of nearly two months, but here, finally, is a parody of that video set in China, featuring that other wonderfully mysterious creature of the woods, by which we mean — of course — the giant panda.

What does the panda say?

A) Hatee-hatee-hatee-ho
B) Chop-chop-chop-chop-ch-chop-ch-chop
C) Frack-a-frack-a-frack-a-frack-a-frackow
D) All of the above

The creators are Rob Hemsley and Stuart Wiggin, hosts of the China news comedy show C4, who’ve kindly allowed us to host their work on YouTube. Hopefully it’ll go viral. Short of that, maybe it’ll break 100 views. Make it happen, people!

The Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding in Sichuan province showed off 14 panda cubs on Monday. This BBC video calls the cubs “far more valuable than gold.” They also happen to be very cute.

The biggest is nearly 4 kilograms, while the smallest is 700 grams.

Here’s a picture via Xinhua:

It’s not too late to check out the Sound Stage Music Awards at Yugong Yishan, by the way. Links otherwise.

Stories of getting drunk in North Korea. “Welcome to North Korean nightlife. The Macanese-run Egyptian has a sign claiming to be open nightly between the hours of 7:30 p.m. and 3 a.m., but, according to well-informed sources, it’s mostly shut (and ‘shit,’ anyway). Tales of debauched nights behind its locked glass doors — which showcase a rack of traditional North Korean clothing and some half-hearted hieroglyphics — are rare enough to be semi-legendary.” (RFH, The Atlantic)

Kai-fu Lee diagnosed with cancer. (Sina)

Corollary: (Tech in Asia) (Technode)

Take a cover photo for TimeOut Beijing. “For our October edition – the photography issue – we’re looking for reader-submitted photographs of Beijing at its best to adorn the cover. // To enter, take a picture of the capital and upload it to Instagram with #timeoutbeijing (and follow us @timeoutbeijing while you’re at it). Not only will your photo appear on our homepage but the best ones – chosen by our in-house experts – will appear both on the cover and in the magazine.” (TimeOut Beijing)

Xinhua’s at it again. “Western media organizations are trying to demonize China and promote revolution and national disintegration as they hate seeing the country prosper, the head of China’s official Xinhua news agency said in comments published on Wednesday.” (Reuters)

When Xi met Abe. “Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe and Chinese President Xi Jinping shook hands and exchanged words politely on Thursday on the sidelines of a G20 summit meeting, a Japanese official said, in an unexpected show of cordiality amid strained ties.” (Reuters)

Funny. “I am telling you people, life in Beijing for a stand-up comedian is tough, but every time I think about quitting and going home I remember what my mom told me, ‘In New York there is a saying: if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. In Beijing, there is a similar saying: if you can’t make it here, you can’t make it anywhere.’” (Ryan Ha, The World of Chinese)

Fire! “One person has been slightly injured after a factory workshop in east China’s Jiangsu Province caught fire on Wednesday afternoon, local authorities said. // The fire broke out at 3:30 p.m. in a workshop of SK Hynix Semiconductor Company (China) in Wuxi City. Witnesses told of dense smoke coming from the building.” (Sina)

They sentence their playboys to jail in Taiwan, eh? “Justin Lee, the man at the centre of the most notorious sex scandal seen in Taiwan in years, has been sentenced to a total of 22 years and four months’ jail on nine counts of non-consensual sex and 15 counts of privacy violation for filming himself having sex with multiple women including celebrities.” (Straits Times)

Mental illness suspected. “A baby girl was drowned in a fish pond after abandoned by her own mother only six days after birth in Changzhou, E China’s Jiangsu Province on September 4.” (Sina)

10 Dollar issued during Yuan Shikai's rule. pic.twitter.com/sQ7cSjAsUe

— edde (@Edourdoo) September 5, 2013

Billion Yuan Baby interlude:

Finally…

China angry at the US for decision to attack Syria. (Bloomberg)

Woman contemplates suicide after breast surgery fails, talked out of it. (Sina)

“Thrown match casts shadow on rugby.” (China Daily)

Discerning fake alcohol in China. (One World Cover)

“Notes on (and pictures from) the ZhongBiao Suzhou Exhibition.” (china Avant-garde)

“Hong Kong teen kills self over online game; why does this sort of thing keep happening?” (Tech in Asia)

Finally, finally…

Via CRI:

The Literary Death Match is returning to Beijing Bookworm on September 11, and I’m to inform you that I’ll be one of the readers. Click here for more information links.

More on Charles Xue. “Cai [Xia, a professor at China’s Central Party School,] further emphasized that Xue’s arrest, though intended to warn outspoken critics that they might easily be publicly humiliated, should actually spark conversation about protection of individual rights and limits to government powers – changes that would be good news for both celebrities and sex workers.” (Tea Leaf Nation)

Corollary 1: “A Short, Incomplete History of How China’s Web Sites Handle Internet Rumors.” (Fei Chang Dao)

Corollary 2: “Politically-Motivated Farce against Popular Microblogger Backfires.” (China Change)

Chinese book piracy: “After Mo Yan won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 2012, publishers around the world rushed to print copies of his books—none more enthusiastically than China’s infamous book pirates. In China, where piracy is so blatant that street booksellers hawk illegal copies of Mo’s work in front of his house, counterfeiting is rampant and prosecution infrequent. In the case of Mo, the authorities have made some effort to crack down; on April 9, 2013, the Haidian People’s Court sentenced bookseller Wan Yongshen to six months in jail, and fined him 2000 yuan, for violating copyright and pirating Mo’s books, and announced plans to pursue and prosecute illegal book production. Mo Yan is perhaps the most prominent case, but far from the only writer to fall victim to this pervasive practice.” (Ye Yonglie, translated by Alice Xin Liu, Words Without Borders)

Corruption investigation. “The head of a cabinet agency overseeing the 100 largest state-owned enterprises is being investigated for corruption in what appears to be a widening probe into the state oil industry – a key powerbase of former senior party leader Zhou Yongkang. // Jiang Jiemin, director of the State-owned Assets Supervision and Administration Commission (Sasac) and former chairman of the country’s biggest oil company, is suspected of ‘serious discipline violations,’ Xinhua reported yesterday, using the party’s euphemism for graft.” (SCMP)

Another trial: the official taken down by a smile. “Yang Dacai, a formal work safety official from Shaanxi Province, pleaded guilty to bribery as his trial opened at a local court on Friday. He also stands accused of having a suspicious property portfolio.” (Sina)

In a preordained move: “Yahoo China, which is operated by Chinese e-commerce and Internet services behemoth Alibaba Group, has closed its Web portal. The site now displays a good-bye message before redirecting visitors to now.taobao.com, a news site run by Alibaba Group’s Taobao. // The good-bye message says the decision to shutdown Yahoo China’s portal is in accordance with a 2012 agreement made between Alibaba Group and Yahoo and that Yahoo China’s employees will move on to new positions within Alibaba.” (TechCrunch)

Recommended book. “Hi all, the book is out! If you’ve enjoyed reading this blog over the past two years, please go out and buy a copy or spread the word to a friend.” (Blocked on Weibo)

The good servant. ” Bo Xilai, the fallen Communist Party official, said in secret testimony during his recent trial that he was obeying orders from a powerful party agency in charge of security when he took steps to cover up the flight of his police chief to an American Consulate, according to a court observer’s written record of trial statements.” (NY Times)

Oops. “Firefighters in east China’s Jiangsu Province have saved a seven-year-old girl who accidentally got her lower lip stuck in a music box.” (The Telegraph)

Good timeline but does not mention persecution of Xue Manzi MT @caixin Police Campaign against Spread of 'Net Rumors' http://t.co/bvN9Bz2xBT

— Jeremy Goldkorn 金玉米 (@goldkorn) September 2, 2013

https://twitter.com/cuishaoyu/status/373606112144412672

Sad story: "Sick father takes his life over financial fears about son's college fees" in China http://t.co/zb9gzURVvS

— Prep Beijing! (@PrepBeijing) August 31, 2013

Headline of the year: "'Chinese Dream' to resolve misunderstanding." http://t.co/f5AV7Oxeoe Oh, and we are all "on the Chinese Dream team!"

— Adam Cathcart (@adamcathcart) September 2, 2013

While many CN officials seem to go out of their way to fuck the citizens,few do it so literally. http://t.co/r4C9Cf6e17 via @shanghaiist

— Ivan L Petrov (@Ivan_Petrov) September 2, 2013

Here's NYT's @FrankBruni autographed "tip" endorsement left at Beijing restaurant King Join 京兆尹 (via Weibo) pic.twitter.com/X9vntFp1T9

— Abe Sauer (@abesauer) September 1, 2013

Graham Earnshaw at the Beijing Embassy, 30 years ago, via Hongkie Town:

Finally…

Chinese children and their bizarre childhood photos. (Tech in Asia)

“Hedda Morrison’s Hong Kong: Photos from 1942, Beautifully Restored.” (Hong Wrong)

On King Liu, the founder and chairman of Giant. (NY Times)

“China’s flight team performs first show abroad.” (China Daily)

Finally, finally…

Asia Adult Expo in Hong Kong, via Hong Wrong [NSFW]:

This is going to be delicious:

One more:

Cyclops kitty is heartbreaking, via  Huaxi Metro Daily via Shanghaiist:

Giant panda Mei Xiang of Washington DC’s National Zoo gave birth to twin cubs on Friday and Saturday. It was her third and fourth births, all of them in DC. Sadly, the latter was a stillborn:

Mei groomed the stillborn cub for 17 minutes, then it fell on to the floor where it lay motionless & made no sound.

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 25, 2013

That cub was the second of Mei Xiang’s to die; last year, one of her cubs died after six days. In 2005, however, she gave birth to a healthy male named Tai Shan.

How’s the new cub — all 137 grams of him/her — doing? Hard to tell. Reports Washington Post:

An early exam at the zoo is a change from last year, and staff members made several other changes in preparation for another cub. Mei Xiang’s den was altered to allow keepers to get closer to her, and the zoo invited a panda expert from China who specializes in newborns to help out. Two of the zoo’s panda keepers also recently spent time in China learning more about examining newborns.

Zookeepers made two attempts at examining the cub Saturday, but Mei Xiang was cradling the cub and officials were unable to take it for a closer examination, zoo spokeswoman Baker-Masson said. They planned to try again Sunday.

But everyone will be watching closely, as you can as well via cub cam.

Naturally, the zoo is excited, as it’s been tweeting furiously about the cub over the weekend:

Watch the panda cams now! Mei's water broke a short time ago and she's having contractions. She may give birth in a few hours #cubwatch

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

We'll bring you updates, but in the meantime keep your eyes on the cams #cubwatch http://t.co/DXbIs7hKsF

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

CORRECTION: Labor could take up to 10 hours. Stay tuned for updates. #cubwatch

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

At 5:32 pm local time…

WE HAVE A CUB!! Born at 5:32 p.m. this evening. More details to follow. http://t.co/R88TEAQKzv #cubwatch

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

At 5:58 pm local time, the first picture!

A cub is born! First photo of the cub, born today at 5:32 p.m. pic.twitter.com/CcHkRGSgHe

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

And… aw…

Mei Xiang picked the cub up immediately to begin cradling & caring for it. The cub is vocalizing. #cubwatch http://t.co/i5R5jCb0ZZ

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 23, 2013

We also learn that it takes two to three weeks to determine the sex and paternity of baby pandas:

The panda team was able to get biological samples this morning. We'll know the cub's sex & paternity in 2-3 weeks. #cubwatch

— National Zoo (@NationalZoo) August 25, 2013

There’s a 30-second video, too, which you can watch above. It’s a nice moment. Miracle of life and all that.

We like pandas as much as the next fella, but… whoa:

Via China.org: “A total of 1,600 styrofoam panda bear sculptures stand on display in front of Hauptbahnhof main railway station by the World Wildlife Fund on August 5, 2013 in Berlin, Germany. The WWF is celebrating its 50th anniversary and is drawing attention to the endangered animals in the wild.”

As WSJ’s China Realtime Report noticed, you can now watch pandas all day, every day, with the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding’s 24-hour live feed. It’s a screenwriter’s dream.

Panda Bob: “Heya Joe.”

Panda Joe: “Heys Bob.”

PB: “Whatcha doin?”

PJ: “Nom nom nom’ing. You?”

PB: “Same.”

PJ: “Hmm.”

PB: “Mmm.”

PJ: “hmm.”

PB: “m.”

PJ: “How’s it be with the missus?”

PB: “Great! Actually, it’s hard to tell.”

PJ: “Did you mated?”

PB: “Yep.”

PJ: “Are you’s doin it again?”

PB: “Nope.”

And so on.

Viewers can watch the pandas at the base in southwestern Sichuan province, part of their native domicile, via 28 cameras planted in five areas that will feed six channels: “garden for adult pandas,” “kindergarten,” “nursery for twins,” “mother-and-child playground,” “No.1 Villa” and “featured.”

…For the country that is home to the giant pandas, China is a late mover in setting up a live feed, though it is stepping in where others have quit. Last October, Thailand pulled its zoo-based panda show after nearly three years, while Hong Kong’s Panda Channel says on its website that its bear broadcast from the Ocean Park theme park will cease this weekend.

Yes, It’s True, China Is Launching a 24-Hour Panda Cam (WSJ)

The world has a nameless new panda cub! Let the excitement of that pronouncement slowly settle in.

So. What’s the big deal about this one?

As WSJ’s China Realtime Report explains, “Unlike virtually every other panda born outside the People’s Republic of China in recent years, it will stay at the zoo where it was born.”

The zoo being in Taipei, capital of Taiwan, which, as you may know, has a special relationship with China.

The female cub, born at 8:05 pm on July 6, is the product of Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan (tuanyuan means “reunion”). (The mother is Yuan Yuan, 9, who was artificially inseminated in March.) The parents were a gift from the PRC in 2008, only accepted by Taiwan’s Nationalist Party (Kuomintang) after the Democratic Progressive Party rejected a similar offer in 2005.

Below are more pictures of the cub. Yuan Yuan “punctured” the tiny infant’s leg, by the way, so now the cub is in an incubator, but is expected to fully recover.

POSTSCRIPT: Pandas mating:

Panda mating making news across #hongkong pic.twitter.com/GuI0k1eW7N

— JournoDannyAsia (@JournoDannyAsia) July 9, 2013

Also see: Panda’s O-face.