One thing I learned about getting invited to a the Beijinger awards ceremony is you first have to leave Beijing. During my four-year tenure here, I never received an invite. Just three months after I made the move to Hangzhou, I was chosen to be an official nominator. Sure, why not.

Months later, as an Official Nominator for the Beijinger’s 10th Annual Reader Restaurant Awards, I got an invitation to the ceremony. Like, 18 hours before it started. Thanks for the heads up! It just so happened I was back in town for the first time in six months, so in your face, the Beijinger’s 10th Annual Reader Restaurant Awards!

My wife and I roll up to the front desk to register, and I draw a blank when they ask me, “Which restaurant?” I’m like, “All of them?” And then my brain turns back on for maybe the first time since the diaper changes and midnight feedings began, and I say the three magic words (plus one, in my mindhole) that open the doors wide open:

“I’m a NOMINATOR, Bitches.”

We’re in, underdressed and, really, with no good reason to be there. But that’s mostly the fun. We have almost nothing invested and intend to milk that extensively.

My wife is hungry, and I’m thirsty. Within minutes she has sampled all four finger foods. And the award for Best Finger Food at the Beijinger 2013 10th Annual Reader Restaurant Awards goes to:

• The Sausage/Pastry Thingies

Awards for Outstanding Finger Food go to:

• The Meaty Croissants
• Cream Puffs

Mini-quiche does not make the list. While my wife eats, I beeline for the alcohol. First stop, Grand Marinier Balls. These are a staple at every awards ceremony, a classic. They are good, but I’m more interested in the rack of fine draft beers. I struggle a little between Leffe and Chimay, but in the end, I choose wisely. Goblet of Chimay in hand, we continue touring.

Together we make friends with the fine people from Glacio, and enjoy scoop after scoop of the finest ice cream I’ve had in a while. There was a second ice cream company next to it, but it was unmemorable. We chased it down with a few espressos.

The actual awards were background noise for all the free stuff, obviously. I gain nothing from anyone winning, except maybe bragging rights for my favorite restaurants. But when Element Fresh nabs “Best Breakfast” and Chef Too doesn’t even get runner-up, let alone the Best Breakfast Ever award, I cease to care about the results.

In conclusion, yes, it was worth the price of admission and I will gladly enjoy more free stuff in the future. Thanks, the Beijinger!

Kevin is an Ultimate Frisbee player, blogger, drummer, and former Beijinger who now makes his home in Hangzhou with his wife and young son. This is what he looks like.

Our writer, pictured here, will be at the party. Will you?

As announced yesterday, the BJC Bar and Club Awards party will be this Saturday at 11 pm at Sanlitun Kro’s Nest. Say you’re there for Beijing Cream and all drinks will be buy two, get one free. The theme will be HUNGER GAMES.

Today, we’ve invited the sartorially keen Kevin Reitz to explain what to wear. I don’t think he got the memo about the theme being HUNGER GAMES, but that’s okay. Trust this man.

By Kevin Reitz

Fedora. RMB 0-25. Yashow/Your Closet

Who hasn’t already purchased a half-dozen of these for random parties? Just wear one — I’m sure it’s still clean from the last time.

I  BJ shirt. RMB 59. Yashow
Make a clear statement in this classy yet blunt shirt. For free shots from Tao all night, transform the BJ into “BJC.”

Ray Bon sunglasses. RMB 29. Yashow
Nothing says “You know what? I’m probably just gonna forget these in a cab next week anyway, why spend more than $5?” better than a nice, cheap pair of sunnies. If you go to the lady vendors at the very top of the escalator, don’t let them charge you more than 30 yuan, though I always pay 25 — even less when I’m wearing a fedora.

Dark jeans. RMB 89. Yashow
Get some dark jeans. Maybe a blue or, like, a dark gray? I dunno, jeans in China are weird unless you actually have a Chinese butt. And make sure you pull them up over your bellybutton.  That’s what all the youngsters are doing now.

Crocs loafers. Price RMB 39. Yashow
Let’s face it, there’s a reason why even old Chinese ladies are wearing these now. They are cheap, comfortable, good looking, and they last forever. Get some.

Kevin is an Ultimate Frisbee player and drummer in Beijing. Here is his blog, and here he is again as Hulk Hogan:

Two days ago we introduced the 1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (image credit Katie), with 22 questions divided into five categories. Yesterday, Piper Fisco and E examined the first two of those categories, Dross and Repugnance. We’ve invited two other guest columnists to delve into the third category: Alcoholism.

By Kevin Reitz

Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days

• Club Juicy Spot
• Nanjie
• Salud
• Smugglers
• Tun

I see myself as more of an alcohol connoisseur than an alcoholic, so my perfect night is not a sprint toward a 2 am blackout but rather a slow, easy rise to debauchery.

For me, while this category’s winner need not have quality, its drinks must at least offer ease of consumption. Salud can’t win — its rum is just too good, no one in his right mind would pound shot after shot. And Nanjie, well, do people still go there? The winner has to be Smugglers or Tun. I’m going to give the edge to Smugglers – the place has made so many people give up alcohol, it should be one of the 12 steps.

Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice

• Enoterra
• LAN Club
• Migas
• Punk/Mesh
• Flamme

I need to analyze this from two angles. First, there’s the “nice bathrooms” component. But also, one must consider the likelihood of actually getting so drunk that alcohol poisoning is an issue. Let’s break this one up.

Enoterra: bathrooms are nice, but who gets morbidly drunk on wine?

LAN Club: if you can afford it, you can also afford a personal butler to follow you around and hold back your hair while you fail at life.

Migas: rooftop bathrooms are not so nice; plus, from the fifth floor, it’s a long way down if you’re really that drunk. Not my definition of “safe.”

Punk/Mesh: do they have bathrooms? It’s Opposite House’s prize, not theirs.

Flamme: they have two individual locking bathrooms, perfect for the solitude required to throw it into reverse. Plus they have one of the best happy hours in town, making it far too easy to succumb to temptations.

Flamme by a chunky landslide.

Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal

• Brussels
• The Den
• Glen
• Great Leap Brewing
• Kokomo
• Nashville
• Siif

A few of these places, namely Brussels, Kokomo, and Great Leap, are among my favorites around. They are likely to be my destination should I need cheering up. Therefore, I’m throwing my weight behind Nashville. Why else would you find yourself at Lucky Street if not to realize there’s nothing left to live for?

Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

• Chocolate
• Haze
• Latte
• Maggie’s
• Red Club
• Spark

Tragically, I’ve only been to one of these, and I’ve never been there outside of 2 to 5 am, and I’ve been there many times. I’m pretty sure the mohawked Russian dwarf has kicked a few asses in his days, and I’d expect it wouldn’t take a lot of antagonizing to get a free show of his skills. Chocolate takes my vote. Although… I hear Spark has lasers.

Kevin is an Ultimate Frisbee player and drummer in Beijing. Here is his blog.

You can vote for the bars in the Alcoholism category and the four others – Dross, Repugnance, Meta, and Sex — right here:

Kevin Reitz recently visited Kuki, a Japanese restaurant near Shuangjing Bridge on East Third Ring Road. He did not have a good experience.

By Kevin Reitz

Ordered two California rolls, the simplest sushi ever. Impossible to fuck up, one would think.

It came out just fucking packed with fish roe. Big, rupturing fish eggs smothering every millimeter of these rolls. Eating one bite felt like chewing on peanuts, crunch crunch with every bite. I told the waiter I didn’t want any roe on the second roll, and he was like, “Mei ban fa” — nothing to be done.