Two days ago we introduced the 1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (image credit Katie), with 22 questions divided into five categories. Yesterday, Piper Fisco and E examined the first two of those categories, Dross and Repugnance. We’ve invited two other guest columnists to delve into the third category: Alcoholism.
By Kevin Reitz
Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days
- Club Juicy Spot
I see myself as more of an alcohol connoisseur than an alcoholic, so my perfect night is not a sprint toward a 2 am blackout but rather a slow, easy rise to debauchery.
For me, while this category’s winner need not have quality, its drinks must at least offer ease of consumption. Salud can’t win — its rum is just too good, no one in his right mind would pound shot after shot. And Nanjie, well, do people still go there? The winner has to be Smugglers or Tun. I’m going to give the edge to Smugglers – the place has made so many people give up alcohol, it should be one of the 12 steps.
Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice
- LAN Club
I need to analyze this from two angles. First, there’s the “nice bathrooms” component. But also, one must consider the likelihood of actually getting so drunk that alcohol poisoning is an issue. Let’s break this one up.
Enoterra: bathrooms are nice, but who gets morbidly drunk on wine?
LAN Club: if you can afford it, you can also afford a personal butler to follow you around and hold back your hair while you fail at life.
Migas: rooftop bathrooms are not so nice; plus, from the fifth floor, it’s a long way down if you’re really that drunk. Not my definition of “safe.”
Punk/Mesh: do they have bathrooms? It’s Opposite House’s prize, not theirs.
Flamme: they have two individual locking bathrooms, perfect for the solitude required to throw it into reverse. Plus they have one of the best happy hours in town, making it far too easy to succumb to temptations.
Flamme by a chunky landslide.
Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal
- The Den
- Great Leap Brewing
A few of these places, namely Brussels, Kokomo, and Great Leap, are among my favorites around. They are likely to be my destination should I need cheering up. Therefore, I’m throwing my weight behind Nashville. Why else would you find yourself at Lucky Street if not to realize there’s nothing left to live for?
Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself
- Red Club
Tragically, I’ve only been to one of these, and I’ve never been there outside of 2 to 5 am, and I’ve been there many times. I’m pretty sure the mohawked Russian dwarf has kicked a few asses in his days, and I’d expect it wouldn’t take a lot of antagonizing to get a free show of his skills. Chocolate takes my vote. Although… I hear Spark has lasers.
Kevin is an Ultimate Frisbee player and drummer in Beijing. Here is his blog.
You can vote for the bars in the Alcoholism category and the four others – Dross, Repugnance, Meta, and Sex — right here: