Louis CK was in Beijing in June 2012 to film the (wonderful) finale of (the wonderful) third season of his show Louie, and apparently he got enough material to tell stories for years. He was recently on David Letterman, where — for whatever reason — he was prompted to relive his experience. 

Old man Letterman begins by asking if Louis went to Shanghai, and immediately you know this interview will go horribly.

“Beijing,” Louis corrects him. (“It’s more like a giant Dayton, Ohio,” he later says of the city.)

“It’s hard to go to China. It’s really far away,” Louis deadpans.

“They probably hacked your computers and stuff,” Letterman suggests.

“Sure, sure,” Louis agrees, in the way someone might brush off a grandfather who uses the phrase “back in my day.”

Actual reaction

“The United States is comfortable with you doing a show in China?” Letterman asks, as if China were fucking North Korea.

“A lot of movies are produced there and stuff,” Louis says.

“I understand,” Letterman replies, though he clearly does not.

Louis then talks about the stand-up show he did in a “very ancient theater.” “I was, like, Do I have to worry about what I say? And they’re like, Dah, have fun!”

“They’re just such fun-loving folks,” Letterman butts in with a sarcastic wave of a hand. “All they want is fun over there.”

Yeah, I don’t know, why would commies have fun? And what could they do, drive tanks around their farms, amirite?

After confirming that Louis doesn’t speak Chinese, Letterman asks with an old-man smirk, “What about the people in the theater?” How is he not getting that English-speaking people live in Beijing? Or that there are expats here? I will never understand how old white people think.

“The sense I get is that the government doesn’t really do anything anymore, but everybody is really scared, so if you do anything weird everybody’s like Stop it,” Louis says. ” So you know, we were told somebody might disappear if you use that joke on the show.”

“Oh. My. God,” Letterman interjects, because he actually believes this. Louis CK, comedian, relays a joke that one of his China friends told him (“somebody might disappear”), and Letterman believes it. Go to the 1:50 mark to hear him believing it.

“Wow!” Letterman breathes.

Toward the end, Louis describes how he and his team went into a mountain seeking a Chinese family to take him in so they can film a scene. They stumble upon an old lady who invites him in and starts feeding him (that’s the final scene of the season, by the way).

Apparently unable to mine this delightful anecdote for anything, Letterman suggests:

“Government agent, probably. She’s probably a government agent.”

Sigh.

Look, comedy is hard, I get it. China is hard (not as hard if you actually tried, but whatever). But you can combine the two without being a hoary halfwit who reinforces every narrative cliche. You can be better than David Letterman.

(H/T Alicia)

In March, China began regulating the number of properties families could buy, prompting couples around the country to file for divorce so they could buy more properties. In Nanjing, the schools available to children were tied to household registration, causing another wave of divorces in that city (we wrote about this one, citing Louis CK). So what’s a poor government to do in the face of that terrible loophole to its policy?

More regulations! No more divorces for you, Nanjingers. Reports Global Times:

The Nanjing-based newspaper Modern Express reported on Monday that the marriage registration office of the Gulou district in Nanjing first started such a restriction policy in early March, as the number of divorce cases the office was handling far exceeded expectations.

The rate had been spiraling out of control.

Ma Hong, an official from Nanjing Bureau of Civil Affairs, said some 18,311 couples had filed for divorce in the first six months this year, 1.7 times the number from the same time last year.

We’re not entirely sure how one now files for divorce now. Via lottery, like with license plates in Beijing? Can you imagine wanting to leave a psychologically draining, life-sapping, spiritually abusive marriage, but being told you can’t because that dipshit over there also wants to end his marriage so he/she can increase the family’s material assets?

There is, of course, a Louis CK joke for the occasion again:

Nanjing limits divorce applications in reaction to property, school rule evaders (Global Times)

Photo via the Beijinger

Remember when Louie CK visited Beijing? Certainly you do, especially if you were one of lucky hundred or so who got to attend his exclusive show. Well, the scenes he filmed here have finally been aired, in the finale of Season 3, “New Year’s Eve.” We don’t have footage of it yet, but you can read a recap on The Faster Times. Writes Craig McQuinn:

He is eventually persuaded and goes to the airport but spontaneously decides to go to China and look for the river that was mentioned in the book he bought for his daughter for Christmas.

Louie eventually finds the river and, again, much like everything else in this season, it’s not what expected. He’s lost again. He went to China for this?

It’s great to see that Louis CK saved bits from his Beijing trip for last. Judging by an interview he did with Bill Simmons in late-June, it seems he was proud (justifiably) and still a bit wide-eyed about coming here. Via Uproxx:

LOUIS C.K.: [Season 3] was the most difficult season we’ve done so far. We did more logistical … we traveled, I did an episode in Miami, we did an episode in Boston, I went to China…

SIMMONS: You went to China?!

LOUIS C.K.: Yeah we shot in Beijing. I hate to give it away, but I can’t keep it inside that I went to China. It was a crazy thing.

SIMMONS: Holy mackerel. How long were you in China?

LOUIS C.K.: Just two days. We shot it and got the hell out of there. It’s crazy. Yeah, we did a lot. We wreck some cars, we do a lot of fun action in this season.

We’ll keep an eye out for video, of course. FX has a preview of the episode, but sadly, Beijing doesn’t make an appearance. If you stumble upon the scenes we want, please let us know.

(H/T Reddit)

Via the Beijinger; their gallery caption: “Comedian Louis CK held an invitation-only comedy show at Zhengyici Peking Opera Theatre during his four-day stop in Beijing. Chopschticks Comedy Club organized the evening while drinks and food were provided by Slow Boat and Kro’s Nest, respectively.”

The Beijinger just posted 24 pictures of Louis CK at work on Sunday night. Go check it out (we sample a few after the jump). In the above, we can only assume he was delivering his Chinese potbelly joke, which RFH described thusly in yesterday’s review:

Of course, though, China is changing, as Louis kept remarking: “We [Americans] think you’re all peddling bicycles, wearing little hats… it’s nothing like what we think.” But “I keep seeing this guy: [flips up shirt to reveal proud potbelly].”

If you remember any of Louis’s other lines, please post them in the comments. It’s unlikely we’ll ever get audio/video of the event — maybe we’ll see a snippet on his show Louie — so let’s do it like they used to, pre-YouTube.

For those too young to remember what that means, I’m talking about word of mouth. Jonny White correctly notes that “recounting his jokes line by line is not going to do him justice,” but how else will those who weren’t fortunate enough to get tickets ever find out about his one-night-only jokes? Do it for posterity, people.

Via the Beijinger:
 

There was a “no picture” policy at this theater last night.

By RFH

Louis CK played a show in Beijing last night; he spoke for just over an hour. Here’s what we can’t talk about – the organizers. Even though they were in season and up on stage last night, handing out the shout-outs like skittles, after midnight, they became as shy as hedgehogs and asked us not to even mention their names.

So, thanks [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] and special thanks to Louis’s official Chinese sponsors, a new, Beijing-based, live, streaming porno site offering all users free credits per orgasm that can then be exchanged for Jack Daniel’s, Cheerios and Ray Bans; their site is found at [redacted].

Here’s what we can talk about: Louis CK. Which is why you’re here anyway. I considered filming some of the show for you but then I remembered what kind of prick does that, so I’ll try to paint a picture. The show was at Zhengyici Peking Opera Theater, which despite being the oldest wooden theater in China, no one seems to have heard of: not taxi drivers, not any of the four dozen locals we asked, not even Google Maps (which offered us two separate theaters, both called that). We chose one to follow on the GPS and got lucky – even though we canceled our Peking duck to arrive on time and found the show instead delayed an hour, the entrance overrun with boozing expats getting the party started.

After much sweat was shed, drinks spilled and fists bumped, Pink Floyd came on. No, wait. Louis strolled up the steps amid great applause and excitement, which continued throughout, with sporadic attendant cries of “Whoo!” Eventually even he got tired of this, and asked people to knock if off: “I don’t deserve it.” But you can’t keep a good douchebag down in Beijing and it never really stopped. Woot! You see? I guess some people cannot get over the fact that a profane and amusing US comedian is actually performing in the world’s largest authoritarian state.

Of course, though, China is changing, as Louis kept remarking: “We [Americans] think you’re all peddling bicycles, wearing little hats… it’s nothing like what we think.” But “I keep seeing this guy: [flips up shirt to reveal proud potbelly].”

That and his recollection of urinating next to a squatting iPhone user in a public bathroom got the biggest early laughs of recognition from the crowd, mostly because we were largely white (Louis: “there are only two black guys in Beijing and I’ve met them both”). Also, the crowd comprised every expat you’ve ever met here, though from his material, it seemed like Louis was expecting to play to more locals as opposed to wooting Americans.

Anyway, after a couple of riffs on the food, the show moved to more familiar (if mostly new) territory – the mores of children, masculinity anxieties and dick transplants. Although not everything flew — a piece about how bad men really are compared to women, in terms of worldwide murdering, raping and looting statistics, came close to simply stating a given — other lines killed. Example: “I’m jealous of gay guys because they don’t have to worry about other people thinking they’re gay.”

Louis has an intense and healthy distaste for pop-moron culture — on fancy electronics: “You don’t ‘deserve the best.’ What are you, the King of Siam? ‘I want that one.’ Just pick any one… they’re all built on Asian suffering!” – but he normally pulls back when things get a little dark, stopping then to grin reflexively, “I can’t believe I’ve been using that in New York for weeks and now I’m doing it here in China,” rather than eagerly burrow further down the rabbit hole like, say, Bill Hicks would have done.

But Louis still finished on a wonderfully sick note, pondering why old rich guys haven’t started getting penis transplants yet: “And I’m not talking about some transsexual shit, grafting your elbow skin… I’m talking about a dead kid’s dick. Some baseball player from Brazil gets hit by a truck and a day later, I’ve got his beautiful dick on my body.”

Then it was over, bar the usual scramble for any kind of ride home from Qianmen. We saw Louis riding back a small boy in a paddy hat – it looks like he really managed to get into Asian culture on his short visit. Sadly, we had to settle for a taxi. This short, sweet event was probably the most unlikely and enjoyable any foreigner’s had in Beijing for a while. And for that we have to gratefully thank [redacted].

Ed’s note: We would like to assure Louis CK’s lawyers that we have no idea how Louis really got home.

At Zhengyici Peking Opera Theater, before Louis CK took the stage

Picture via Reddit user d9-thc on this thread — mostly people lamenting they didn’t know Louis was in town.

I guess Louis CK’s Beijing show, which we told you about last Tuesday (and un-told you about after exorbitant ticket demand made organizers skittery), went off without a hitch. Jacob, who operates the excellent YouTube channel BeijingShenghuo, wrote in about his experience:

I was at the Louis CK show tonight, as per your blog request I’ll tell you a little about it. Kro’s Nest and Slow Boat where there providing pizza and beer (not for free, of course, or even discounted) The set was supposed to be 9 to 10, but doors didn’t actually open till about 9:45, and then it was another 20 minutes or so till Louis came on. I guess he was running late. The guy from Chopschticks (and I guess he works for TheBeijinger, too), warmed up the crowd with some silly jokes about China.

Once Louis came on he talked about his experience in China so far (he’s been here three days and is flying back tomorrow). He talked about how Americans think of China as full of rice paddies and peasants riding bicycles, and he was totally surprised to see that Beijing was an actual city with modern cars and skyscrapers and stuff. I felt like his opening jokes were written with an English-speaking Chinese audience in mind, because he kept saying “you guys” while talking about Chinese people, even though the audience was at least 90% foreigners. Eventually he got to his regular material, which was hilarious as usual (and all of it new). He was trying out new jokes on the crowd, as well, a few of them fell flat but it’s pretty awesome to see how he just rolls with it and makes the fact that his joke didn’t land a joke in and of itself.

I guess the audience got Louis being Louis. If you were at the show last night, we’d love to hear about it. Drop me a note at tao@beijingcream.com.

UPDATE, 11:45 am: I’m told that tickets are no longer available. UPDATE, 11:58 am: Please stop calling Chopschticks. UPDATE, 2:43 pm: At the request of organizers and in light of recent events, we’re removing some content in this post, partly because we’re huge fans of Louis CK, but also because we just don’t want to be dicks to the people working hard behind the scenes here; we’ll post an update next week. Thanks for your understanding.

UPDATE, 2:55 pm: We’re not Taobao, and attempts to use this space as such will result in banishment.

UPDATE, 6/13, 11:51 pm: I’ve restored the original post here. 

If you didn’t know, Louis CK is currently the best comedian working, and he’s swinging through town this week. In his honor, after the jump, videos of the master at work.

Clip 1:

Clip 2:

Clip 3:

Clip 4:

Clip 5:

Grammy-winning show “Hilarious” in full:

Because of hukou (registered permanent residency) issues and other bureaucratic folderol, three couples in Nanjing divorced so that their kids could attend public kindergarten. According to Shanghai Daily, who quotes one of the divorcees interviewed by the paper Modern Express:

After the divorce, their three-year-old son is eligible to be enrolled by the kindergarten as he and his single mother hold hukous in the same area.

“We don’t have any other choice. I almost cried and wanted to give up when the staff workers try to mediate between us, but I didn’t,” Jiao told the newspaper. “A family’s happiness is not directly linked to marriage,” she said.

The solution is obviously to 1) not have children, and 2) not get married, but seeing as how some are foolish enough to compound the error of sociological conjugation with biological consummation, what’s left to be done other than to say “fuck it.” Fuck it. Say it with me: Fuck it. Fuck it all.

(By the way, “fuck it” is a punchline from Louis CK, who’s in the above video [and Youku one at the very bottom] doing the Comedy Central special One Night Stand. The “shitty kid” reference in the title is to another Louis CK bit, here:

YouTube version here.

One Night Stand:

(H/T Alicia)