The worst possible intrusion of commerce, at the service of a fake commercial holiday, in the guise of cleverness.

(Video via People’s Daily)

“Just like China, meats and fish are popular in Britain,” begins this video called “A Taste of Britain” by CRI’s Stuart Hemsley Wiggin (of C4 fame) and Wu Tong. “But in order to make that meat and fish taste extra special, it has to be complemented by other ingredients. Britain only has one such ingredient.” Can you guess what it is?

Watch on for some mouth-watering shots of potatoes.

CCTV’s A Bite of China, by the way, is the most popular documentary in this country. Hemsley Wiggin and Wu’s video has drawn more than 100,000 Youku views in one day. Maybe people here just really love food, potatoes included?

UPDATE, 5/19, 10:41 pm: Stuart Wiggin with some words, many of which promoting the show C4:

I freely admit that I struggle to reel off more than a few dishes when confronted with questions such as what do British people eat, as does my co-host Rob Hemsley. I assume the truth is that we Brits are just not very good at explaining things. However, the sketch wasn’t really intended to provoke Chinese people to learn more about British cuisine; that’s what Gordon Ramsay is for. Instead, as always, the C4 team, led by our producer Wu Tong, is simply trying to show people that even state media organizations within China, or at the very least CRIENGLISH.com, have a sense of humor.

There was a Dutch website called Beautiful Agony that asked people to upload videos of their orgasm face as a “multimedia experiment.” This was done in the name of art. There was a video we watched in high school biology of a live childbirth, PBS Nova’s The Miracle of Life. This was done in the name of science. Now there’s a reality show on Shenzhen Television, “Laiba Haizi” (Come On, Child), that shows the faces of women in labor. This is done in the name of…

Love?

Journalism professor Wang Zhenjun said the show is a good attempt as it stresses the greatness of a mother’s love…

That’s from ECNS.cn, which also reports:

The one-hour show, “Come on, my baby,” debuted on China’s Shenzhen Television on the eve of Mother’s Day. Some people praised it as an ode to mothers who suffer to give birth to their children. While others, after watching the women in labor pains, said the show is disturbing and might be an invasion of privacy.

The show records the process of three women’s childbirths. Sixty-four cameras are installed in operating rooms, patient rooms and rest areas of Red House Hospital, the busiest women’s hospital in Shanghai.

Are you willing to watch?

What the cameras also capture are bloody and painful pictures of women in agony, close-ups of their facial expressions, screams and wails.

I’ll take The Real Housewives of Miami instead, please.

Other netizens were apparently horrified as well. China Daily:

Netizens expressed horror online.

“It was terrifying to see the mother’s tummy cut in a second during the C-section. …Can I say I do not want to give birth? I was so scared that I cried,” a netizen called Xu Xiaoguai’s Happy Time wrote on her micro blog on Friday night.

Better than forced abortions, at least. Population control advocates may have found their best tool.

HBO’s Game of Thrones arrived in China last week, but the fit-for-CCTV broadcast was so rigorously edited to conform to some “public morality” that one netizen hilariously called it “a medieval European castle documentary.” But amid all the articles about this development, we may have lost sight of a more amazing fact: Game of Thrones – a show about political wrangling, skulduggery, sabotage, dissolution, sex, etc. — was allowed to air on Chinese TV. It took two whole days before we got this Ishaan Tharoor post on the Washington Post, titled:

Why ‘Game of Thrones’ is actually dangerous for China’s rulers

Obvious, right?

Indeed, if China’s censors watched more closely, they could find other reasons to keep on cutting.

Go on…

In “Game of Thrones,” the centralized state — the united Seven Kingdoms of Westeros — is an entity balanced on a thread, forever vulnerable to the whims of the power-brokers of the land. The TV show compels you to root for separatists — the charismatic, stoic Starks of the North — who are trying to split away from the tyranny of the capital. Moreover, the show reinforces over and over in the viewer’s mind just how unnatural and manufactured the centralized authority of a high king is.

Tharoor draws other parallels between Westeros and — I’ll just say it, though a reasonable reader will understand that much of the piece is tongue-in-cheek — China. For example, the Wall that the Night’s Watch defends may well be the Great Wall, etc. But then we eventually get to this rather amazing comparison…

The most storied noble house in “Game of Thrones” is that of the Targaryens, the silver-haired, dragon-riding family that begins the show in exile across the sea. We learn that the Targaryens once ruled all of Westeros until a rebellion, punctuated by a few hideous slaughters, chased them to a small, craggy isle off the coast called Dragonstone. Not long after the last of the Targaryens flee the island for more distant hideaways, the rock becomes the fortress of Stannis Baratheon, another lord who thinks himself the true ruler of Westeros. Dragonstone exists in the series as a permanent reminder of dissent, brooding sullenly off the shores of the realm.

It doesn’t take a tremendous imaginative leap to see a parallel to China. In 1949, Mao Zedong’s Communists defeated the nationalist forces, the remnants of which fled en masse to the island of Taiwan.

Holy crap! Dragonstone is Taiwan? If a Chinese paper ever picked this up…

That’s today’s Taipei Times. Here are the first two paragraphs:

The blockbuster fantasy TV drama Game of Thrones with all of its violence and sex, may be based in part on Taiwan and the nation’s political and military struggles with China.

According to the Washington Post, the fictional island of Dragonstone — a centerpiece in the story — may in fact be a metaphor for Taiwan. The TV series created for HBO is sometimes drawn from “real historical events, and suffused with real lessons for nations and governments,” the Post said, and it does not take a tremendous leap of imagination to see a parallel with Taiwan and China.

Chinese censors may not read the Washington Post, but the Taipei Times? I think it’s time we ask:

Now the question is whether Taipei Times interpretation of @ishaantharoor WP essay will get GoT banned in China.

— Edward Wong (@comradewong) May 7, 2014

Game of Thrones is likely doomed, just like [insert character of choice]. How many in-show kings will die before the show gets the ax?

Although whatever happens, China’s rip-offs of it — GoT is the most pirated show of all time, after all — will surely continue:

When Chinese video streaming sites pulled down all episodes of The Big Bang Theory on orders from China’s official censors, it angered fans across the country — and also, it turns out, the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre. The following is what Lorre wrote on one of his “vanity cards” that appeared at the end of Big Bang’s May 1 episode (as noticed by the Wall Street Journal):

The government of China has decided that “The Big Bang Theory” is not appropriate for viewing. I have to assume there was some sort of formal process involved in this decision. In all likelihood, a gaggle of communists sat in a darkened room and watched a few episodes. I like to think they took notes that were later used to formulate an official document that detailed the corrosive cultural effects caused by the shenanigans of Sheldon, Leonard, Penny, Wolowitz, Koothrappali, Amy and Bernadette. I like to think that during these screenings one of them laughed out loud and was promptly sent to a re-education camp on the outskirts of Urumqi. I like to think one of them was reassured by how often the characters on the show eat Chinese takeout. I like to think there’s a Chinese word for shenanigans. Regardless, the whole affair makes me very happy. The overlords of 1.3 billion people are afraid of our sitcom. Exactly what we were going for!

It’s an angry response, to be sure, and if the message isn’t exactly on-point, we can still get behind the sentiment. But let’s be clear about the likely reason The Big Bang Theory – along with popular shows The Good Wife, The Practice and NCIS — was taken offline: money. This via Washington Post:

One theory is that the show was taken down in a bid to bolster China’s state broadcasters, who are facing an unprecedented threat from the rise of video-sharing sites. Indeed, the independent Chinese outlet Caijing reported Monday that CCTV is planning to buy the show and subject it to a more rigorous censorship and translation. Perhaps not incidentally, shares of Sohu sank to a one-year low Monday.

Although I’d like to be doubly clear about this: China’s State Administration of Press, Publication, Radio, Film and Television (SAPPRFT) is a piece of shit, and important people with with a soapbox need to say that as loudly and often as possible. Fuck SAPPRFT, always.

Even Chinese television execs know when too much is too much, apparently. “China’s television regulator has ordered a crack down on dramas about the country’s battles with Japan during and before World War Two and demanded they be more serious, state media said on Friday, following viewer complaints about ludicrous storylines,” Reuters reports.

A television “watchdog official,” Wang Weiping, told People’s Daily (via Retuers) that, “The anti-Japan war is a great act of heroism performed by the Chinese people against the invaders, and is a valuable resource for film and television creativity,” which, I suppose, could be true if your definition of “creativity” is this:

Or this:

Or this:

But back to the topic at hand: in classic euphemism, regulators say television execs should pull dramas that are “too entertaining.” They want serious shows that are more historically accurate. Vikings with less blood splatter?

What will become of the Chinese actors who specialize in roles of dying Japanese soldiers? Will they work again?

China cracks down on over-the-top anti-Japan dramas (Reuters)

Anybody watch Happy Camp (快乐大本营), Hunan TV’s flagship variety show? Turn on the TV because it’s probably airing right now. The show inexplicably has five hosts. There’s He Jiong, unarguably the Ryan Seacrest of the show, then the charming Xie Na, and then three others who stand nearby and occasionally say and/or hold something. Every once in awhile, just to remind us he’s still there, host Du Haitao steps into the frame and cracks a one-liner.

But even as the scrub of Happy Camp, Du lands plenty of TV and movie roles, has millions of fans, and must be aware that whenever he is in public, someone is probably taking a video of him.

According to Du’s manager, Du was filming on location last week when a fan approached him and tried to snatch his sunglasses and necklace, but no real scuffle occurred.

Then, like clockwork, a video appeared on Sina Weibo showing Du throwing a healthy jab at the fan. The manager must’ve misled us! Alert the Weibo morality police! #duhaitaohitssomebody!

I for one can’t tell who is at fault or why there are almost 9 million discussions about this fight on Weibo. On the other hand, I’m sure that when Brian Dunkleman gets into a bar brawl, it’ll trend on Twitter. For now, Du can probably safely return to his spot on Happy Camp and continue asking C-Pop stars about their girlfriend situations.

Chris tweets @chrisclayman and keeps a Tumblr.

Authorities approved 303 new TV shows last year, according to Economic Observer, with more than half carrying a revolutionary theme. Would it surprise anyone that out of those, the majority expressed anti-Japanese sentiment?

But you can only be so anti-Japanese before people get bored. And thus, shows have to resort to other tactics to grab ratings. Like with naked girls.

The above picture, posted by Sina Weibo user @Happy张江, is from “some anti-Japanese war flick,” though which exactly, it wasn’t said. The post has gone viral, and reaction has been… mixed.

@执笔天地绘乾坤: Ai! I like watching anti-Japanese war dramas. But this? What is this? History is distorted and children are misled!

@阿杰1991的世界: Wow, she took it all over. Not worth it. This girl has sacrificed way too much for this kind of drama. Do people even watch old-fashioned shows about anti-Japanese war?

@jerry7亮亮  That’s what I call revolutionary spirit. Brava!

@lonemath: Lol, I didn’t know there’re adult videos on the anti-Japanese war.

@靖仑: What film? This is a true story, y’all! A peasant’s daughter is reporting to the chief that she was raped by his soldiers, and she is showing off the evidence.

@这蠢驴不听话1109在搜狐: The more films they shoot, the more retarded they become. Except for easy money, there is nothing good from this kind of film. A complete waste of time! The Chinese entertainment projects are again being raped by a bunch of idiots. Cannot believe this has been approved by the government. Speechless!

@ 轻云剑: OK, so she voluntarily took off her clothes and the soldiers just stood there and saluted and watched? They did not even approach her? Yeah, right!

@ Vwords: Quick, give me the name of this show!

@ 無良看客: The director must think we are fools! They would have a little 18-year-old girl fight against the Japanese? What is it that he is trying to say? That she is patriotic? That we should admire her? Come on! This is outrageous! I hate every time how they glorify the image of a heroine just to inspire people. Oh yeah, I love my country and I will die for it, just because a vulnerable girl would sacrifice her body for it. Give me a break!

@八路2010: Unbelievable. What is it about nudity that is so attractive? Regardless of if this really occurred during the war, what is their intention of putting it on TV? More viewers? Or more anti-Japanese sentiment? Honestly, I don’t see the relationship between a nude female and anti-Japanese whatsoever. She is just standing there, which serves no purpose.

@哥哥你别太瘦: Is this an anti-Japanese video or a Japanese video?

@ riomaster: Stop making fun of our honorable red soldiers. Solders are people too. They have needs just like the rest of us.

The growth of anti-Japanese movies has been a boon for actors — this guy dies up to eight times a day playing Japanese soldiers — but it’s also made for ridiculousness, such as this scene of an enemy being cut in half. Add the above picture to the collection.

It’s no wonder that a bit of viewer fatigue is setting in. Take it away, guy:

@作业本: Every channel is airing anti-Japanese shows. Please stop! We got it! You defeated the Japanese. One of you can kill ten bad guys. And a wounded Red soldier can still kill ten Japanese bastards. A Red soldier with 16 bullets in his chest still stands until the end. You never lose and the Japanese never wins. The Japanese had the best weapons, best uniform and equipment, you have nothing to eat or drink, yet you still manage to slay all of them. I cannot believe that with these superb skills, the war still took eight whole years to finish. Chiang Kai-shek is a total loser!

Xiao Yi is a travel enthusiast who tweets @ellies_day.

Today is World Health Day, and to commemorate, the creative, slightly mischievous folk over at Durex have just released this commercial featuring Mike Sui — he of the many dialects — in a dinosaur costume.

Also making an appearance is Wushu World Champion and Jet Li stunt double Alfred Hsing – he’s the muscly man — who we last saw producing this funny, dark, disturbing kung-fu video.

Stay safe out there, kids.

(H/T Jonanna Wong)

How did you enjoy the season debut of Game of Thrones yesterday? (No spoilers, please.) Enough to watch its opening cinematic co-opted by baijiu brand Jian Nan in a commercial?

The video is a few months old, but it was just posted on That’s Beijing yesterday, with RFH writing:

Not sure what explains the Game of Thrones connection, other than that Chinese history is too long, often unwieldy, tortuously complicated, filled with names you cannot remember and most of the last few hundred years is to be found in the Fantasy section.

In the world of Chinese sorghum liquor, King’s Landing is “Inner Hangu Pass,” Winterfell is “End of Yellow River,” everything north of The Wall is, hilariously, “Hebei,” the deserts and grasslands of the Dothraki are the “Long Mountains.”

Hmm. What have you, Westerosians… blasphemy?

Let the Games Begin (That’s Beijing)

“We can let them flood your country with disaster and therefore impair your interests. In our country we have too many women, and they have a way of doing things. They give birth to children, and our children are too many.” ― Mao Zedong

The Duggar flock — 19 children (and counting!), their parents and a gaggle of grandchildren — recently traveled to Beijing, Tokyo and Kyoto to film the three-part special installment “19 Kids and Counting: Duggers Do Asia.”

The Arkansas-based brood, all of whom have a name that starts with the letter J, have achieved a degree of notoriety on their native turf for their fundamentalist Christian beliefs and baby-making lifestyle, which have come under attack for being environmentally irresponsible and what some argue is an archaic ideology that has unnecessarily contributed to global overpopulation.

The Duggars, bless their hearts, have dismissed the claims as nonsense. “One of the greatest myths in today’s society is that the world is overpopulated,” said patriarch Jim Bob on the brood’s website. “By raising these children to love the Lord and to serve and love others… that hopefully is going to make a difference for good in our world,” added family matriarch Michelle, who recently stated her desire to grow the flock despite serious health repercussions.

Domestic controversy aside, Team Duggar can be seen in the episode’s teaser nailing all of the Middle Kingdom clichés, including asking locals if they speak English (“We couldn’t communicate at all!” sighs the incredulous matriarch), shirking away from the must-have Wangfujing Scorpions on Sticks™, mangling the obligatory “Ni hao” (clad in pointy hats, natch) and of course, commenting on the toilets.

A photo gallery on their personal blog displays select shots of the cornpone yokels peeking out of capsule hotels, riding in rickshaws and visiting an orphanage (presumably scouting out a new member to their flock, perhaps a Jing or a Ji or little Jia) and egregiously displaying their best samurai moves.

While it remains to be seen if their attitudes towards family size have changed after navigating some of the world’s most crowded metropolises, Elder Son Josh and his wife have just announced the imminent arrival of their third child. We’ll have more on this story after we catch the primetime special.

Mazel tov!

“19 Kids and Counting: Duggars Do Asia, Part One” airs tonight on TLC, 9 pm (ET/PT). Pete DeMola is a writer and creative consultant in Hong Kong. He tweets @pmdemola.

In a scene that would make even the producers of the Starz original series Spartacus reel, check out this Chinese warrior literally tear a Japanese soldier in half.

As described by Ministry of Tofu:

Chinese-made anti-Japanese patriotic television dramas have been the object of an awful lot of ridicule on Sina Weibo, the Chinese twitter, after netizens found much to their amusement that in one extreme example, a Chinese man tears up a “Japanese soldier”, or commonly known in China as “Japanese devil”, across like a piece of paper, with blood splashing all over the place.

Zhouxiaoniu, a net user on Sina Weibo, first posted the screen capture of the scene, “Tearing the devil with bare hands! I am on my kneels begging for the name of this television drama! So fuking awesome!” The tweet has got nearly 6,000 shares and 1,400 comments.

Reminds me of a line from Blood Meridian: “The old man raised the axe and split the head of John Joel Glanton to the thrapple.” This guy here went a bit deeper than the thrapple, wouldn’t ya say?

On TV, Chinese man rips ‘Japanese devil’ in half with bare hands; netizens call it ‘wet dream’ (Ministry of Tofu)

In a Super Bowl filled with moments, including Jacoby Jones’s 108-yard kickoff return, Colin Kaepernick’s touchdown scramble (longest TD run by a quarterback in Super Bowl history) that pulled the 49ers within two from 22 points down, Ed Reed’s interception, double-murderer Ray Lewis’s missed tackles, THE POWER OUTAGE (that enabled all of us to play Power [Outage] Hour), etc. etc., the biggest moment — at least for those of us in China, no doubt — was the commercial featuring an Asian American. Amy Poehler was in it. Best Buy wins.

Top 10 Super Bowl commercial of all time featuring an Asian? Probably!

The story of the software developer who outsourced his job to China is a bit old, but we’re okay with a rehash if it means Conan O’Brien and Andy get to do another China skit. Check out Asian Andy Richter give a star performance. Someone hire that man!

(H/T Alicia)

Conan O’Brien will never be as popular in the US as he was in the weeks immediately following his very public resignation from The Tonight Show, but his stock is only rising in China. Largely thanks to his cross-ocean “feud” with Dong Chengpeng, host of the show Da Peng Debade, the Chinese recognize Conan’s name, and so it came to be that the people in charge of the popular soap opera “Return of the Pearl Princess” recently sought him and his sidekick, Andy, for a voiceover project.

The producers had no idea what they were getting into. “Oh hey we’ve got a hobbit door!”

(H/T Alicia)