It’s kind of like that old joke – What’s nastier than a dead baby in a trash can? A dead baby wrapped around a series of phones and then sold on Taobao.

I like how they only wrote it in English too, like it’s a little Easter Egg for 老外. I’m pretty sure when you order, they do their best Yashow and tell you it’s 真皮.

—

h/t Riley Hageman for this find. And yes — I get that it’s “Baby Skin White”, but that’s weird too so…

The pundit aftermath of the crash of Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 is now upon us and the Global Times’ recent opinion piece on the topic is full of actual words and letters that call allegations of Russia’s involvement “yet another example of the power of Western opinion as a political tool.” 

While their ability to cobble together phrases might indicate intelligent life, we must turn to experts like early 20th century mathematician Emile Borel for guidance without preconditions or preconceptions.

Emile Borel once famously wrote of what has since been termed the Infinite Monkey theorem. It can be succinctly summarized as such. Given enough time, a monkey randomly striking keys on a typewriter will end up producing a copy of Shakespeare’s Hamlet.

Indeed random chance when combined with finger-like appendages can theoretically produce any work. For example in this example certainly not ripped directly from Wikipedia:

Suppose [a] typewriter has 50 keys, and the word to be typed is banana. If the keys are pressed randomly and independently, it means that each key has an equal chance of being pressed. Then, the chance that the first letter typed is ‘b’ is 1/50, and the chance that the second letter typed is a is also 1/50, and so on. Therefore, the chance of the first six letters spelling banana is

(1/50) × (1/50) × (1/50) × (1/50) × (1/50) × (1/50) = (1/50)6 = 1/15 625 000 000 ,

Less than one in 15 billion, but not zero, hence a possible outcome.

This being the case, we cannot eliminate the possibility that coverage by the Global Times and the insistence of several mainstream Chinese news sources that Russia is likely not to blame was not produced by a room of jabbering hominids throwing feces.

China’s rush to claim that the Global Times is written by Chinese people is not based on evidence or logic. The Global Times and state media more broadly is understood to be the mouthpiece of some of the least articulate members of the Communist Party, publishing such claims as Kim Jong Un’s election as the world’s sexiest man. Acknowledging that thinking people could produce such obvious drivel would only make China look foolish.

The truth is the most persuasive tool of all, and a fair investigation of the identity of the Global Times editorial board is in the interest of all sides. It must be clear of any political interference, as all investigations in China are. The truth must be made public once it is found out.

People need the truth rather than having to live in a reality where thinking people actually write articles like this in The Global Times.

“Unjust”

The people huddled at the front gates of the US Embassy in Beijing last November were not there to protest the flight of US bombers over contested islands in the East China Sea. Instead, they chanted slogans such as, “Beat down corruption!” and, “The Communist party doesn’t care about the common people!” Plainclothes police officers stood nearby, conspicuous in matching black and gray sweatpants.

This is an almost weekly sight. Petitioners from across China — Chongqing, Henan, Shanghai — congregate at 55 Anjialou Road to engage in a practice as ancient as imperial China, when those seeking justice would journey to the capital to expose local corruption. Modern petitioners face enormous risks by coming to Beijing: the particularly obdurate ones can find themselves thrown into “black jails,” illegal prisons where they might endure abuse (and worse).

That was the experience of Wang Xiuzhen, an elderly woman who began protesting outside the embassy last summer and into the winter, claiming the chairman of her neighborhood committee in Shanghai had wrongfully accused her of a crime. The sign she carried every day told her story:

Aug. 7, 2012, An official at the Office of Justice took my ID, bag, and 200 RMB with gangsters at Hongqiao Train Station. They have used this unlawful method to stop me from going to Beijing. They even illegally kept me and broke my bones several times. The middle finger and wrist of my right hand were diagnosed as injured, and the pinky finger broken.

Apr. 16, 2011, My middle finger was squeezed till broken by Li Chunbao, a security guard at Deying Service Company. It has not healed to this day.

Sept. 6, 2011, I was bullied by a middle-aged man on Nanchang Road, and my right wrist was broken.

Aug. 5, 2012, I was kidnapped by a shameless bullying group in Huangpu area.

Nov. 6, 2012, My pinky finger was broken by someone at Mengxi Elderly Center at Songjiangyexie Town.

Oct. 6, 2012, I was again illegally kidnapped and kept prisoner with twelve people guarding me in turns. These are all illegal. Just because they have a little power, they treat me like this? Everyone should have their own constitutional rights, and I want people with a conscience to judge these unlawful matters.

It is impossible to know whether her claims are true. What is known is that in October, she wrapped herself in a banner with her story written on it and laid on the street in front of the embassy.

Petitioning at the US Embassy is just one of a series of tactics being adopted by demonstrators in China, who increasingly see press attention as the only way to have their causes addressed. These can range from creative to tragic. Last year saw a viral protest in the form of a Gangnam Style dance for unpaid wages; it also saw group suicide attempts to raise attention to causes such as land seizures and broken promises.

“There are whole villages of cardboard boxes that have popped up around official places to petition,” said veteran China reporter Paul Mooney. “By going to these places, you risk arrest or worse — even the US embassy’s rule of law guy was detained and questioned by the police there.”

Another popular protest location is the State Bureau for Letters and Calls, a state-sanctioned agency tasked with collecting grievances. But comparatively, the US Embassy might be a safer option, according to Jeffrey Wasserstrom, a Chinese historian who, like Mooney, has written judiciously about Chinese protests. He emailed:

“Being near to such a symbolically important and publicly observed location could make it harder for police or para-police to interfere with their actions without creating an incident. There may even be people who know that Chen Guangcheng, an important critic of corruption within China, came to the U.S. Embassy last year, and that this was a key stage in his odyssey. ”

Chen, a vocal critic of forced abortions in China, fled to this very embassy in April 2012 before being granted asylum in the US. This has given other petitioners hope. When asked why he chose to lodge his complaints in front of the American embassy, one elderly man told me, “America is good. It is a free country with real rights. Here in China, we have fake rights. Perhaps America can influence China’s government.”

It’s unlikely these people will receive any of the help from the US government. And yet, they return, again and again. “Protesters in Beijing come back all the time,” Mooney said. “They don’t have a choice. They have this rural stubbornness, and they are not afraid.”

(All images by Patrick Lozada)

Brewers from around China attended. Bad Monkey brewery from Dali, Yunnan was there.

This guy inexplicably wearing lederhosen was there representing Taiwanese brewery le ble d’or was there.

Carl Setzer (right) took a break off of his main job scaring children in Nordic fairy tales (see below) and brought Great Leap Brewery along too.

Lots of other breweries were there too, but the highlight of the event was without a doubt the triumphant return of chef Kin Hong and his Taco Bar. Kin and his team sold tacos like hotcakes, attracting lines that easily eclipsed any of those waiting for beer.

Sploosh. I ate eight of them.

The Taco Bar will be reopening in Sanlitun in the coming months near the new Home Plate. Amazing.

These signs have started popping up in the Beijing subway sometime in the last few months.

They’re my favorite. On so many levels. First of all, I love that Word Art is making a comeback. That was my jam back in middle school when I was making powerpoints about Mount Everest. But the caption is also pretty priceless.

中国梦，地铁梦
China Dream, Subway Dream

Now I like the Chinese Dream as much as the next guy (insomuch as one can grasp a nebulous and purposely obscure concept), but this left me asking questions.

What is the link between the China dream and subway dream?

Presumably these two concepts are linked, but how. Is the subway dream a part of the China dream? Is it about mass public transportation being representative of the Chinese dream? Is it a more traditionally Confucian concept where units of self, family, and group are a representative microcosm of the state?

What is the Subway Dream?

Besides the word cloud POWER, BEIJING, HIGH-SPEED TRAIN DEVELOPMENT, CHINA, and SUBWAY. 

My dreams, as one Chunjie crooner sang, are not big. I dream of a subway where I can find a seat. I dream that there’s nobody convinced that the volume of their voice directly corresponds to how successful their conversation is. I dream of a subway where I can sit down in a seat, and when I get up have my own peaceful rise.

When will China hire grown-ups to design things?

Never.

Q: Tell me a little bit about your background.
A: I’m an actor, a stand-up comedian, a theatrical performer, a writer, a singer, a rapper, and blah blah blah person in the entertainment industry. I mean we all have to wear multiple hats in this industry especially as an Asian American Artist (AAA). There is limited opportunity for AAA to shine in front of the big screen, so I try my best to survive in my work field.

Q: How did you get involved with Patrice Wilson of Rebecca Black “Friday” fame?
A: It was just a simple phone call, and that was all. Patrice’s assistant was looking for a Mandarin speaking actor for “Chinese Food,” and my name showed up on a casting website. I guess I was just lucky!

Q: Your recent videos “Chinese Food” and “Get in My Car” both touch on Asian themes and feature Mandarin. Why this China focus?
A: It all started with Chinese Food, and only because Patrice loves Chinese Food, so we made a song about Chinese Food. Despite the remarks and comments from American viewers on YouTube, the song actually had a lot of positive feedbacks from the Chinese viewers on Youku. After the song became a huge hit, he had another vision to make a Chinese song catering to Chinese viewers. I would guess it’s his way of thanking all his Chinese viewers and fans. That is how “Get In The Car” was created.

Q: What have been the reactions to your videos? Have you been getting a lot of reactions from people in China?
A: The song is now 300,000 in China, and we are the top song right now on Youku. We get a lot of comments of the song been very catchy. The music definitely gets stuck in your head when you listen to it just once. It’s Patrice’s magic!! Other comments are there to generate hits for the music video to go viral, so they can be negative, but effective for sustaining views. I, myself, haven’t really seen many reviews about me which I am pretty bummed out about. I also like to get notice! I want to shine too! Thank you Patrick for giving me the spot light here by the way. I think I want to steal the light from Grace since most reviews were about her and not me. HaHa.

Q: “Where is a very good place to ride my horse? Santa Monica, Las Vegas? Where is my coffee mug? Hey, there’s a China Girl!” Which is to say, what exactly?
A: I came up with the lyrics, and I was trying to see how many words I could fit in before Grace sang hers. Actually it’s a mirroring element that we put into the video from Chinese Food if you remember. Patrice likes to bring old elements into the new video. It’s purely experimental, but it’s relatable from one video to another. In Chinese Food, I said everything in Mandarin as quick and as much as possible. Get In My Car is just a reverse of that. Were things very random? Well, you could say that, but it was based on the reverse idea as well. In Chinese Food, I was saying “I would rather make a pancake” while I was cooking noodle. In Get In My Car, I was saying “I would rather ride a horse” while I was on a plane. You get the idea? Another one I would let you guess… it’s from the Rebecca Black’s Friday. (Driving and Rapping in the car…)

Q: Where are you going with these videos? Tell me about the big dream.
A: I’m not going anywhere with these videos since they weren’t really focusing on me! Just kidding. Actually I enjoy working with Patrice and his crew, I would love to work with them on their future projects as well. My big dream is to win Oscar if you ask me, but for these videos, I want people to enjoy, to talk about them, to strike a conversation with someone, to appreciate the art work and music, to come up with more creative comments, and to sing them in the shower. I maybe will follow Patrice’s footstep and create my own music videos and feature different artists in the future.

Q: Why do you think these videos get so many views?
A: Lucky! I’m kidding again. There are so many elements and methods that Patrice put into making a hit. One of the simplest idea is to understand the curiousity of the audience. If I tell you to check out something on youtube that I THINK it’s amazing, you MIGHT watch it. And if I tell you to check out something that is TERRIBLE but definitely have to check it out, you WILL watch it. Because your curiosity will want to see how BAD can this be. The idea of BAD IS GOOD is genius! You rather watch something dramatic and crazy than something boring because it entertains you more.

Q: You’re @RealTomChou. Got any thoughts on those fake Tom Chou posers out there?
A: I have not yet find a fake Tom Chou poser. Is there any out there yet? It’s simply a twitter account name. It’s just first come first serve you know. Maybe I’m actually the fake Tom Chou here! Please don’t sue me.

Q: Anything else you want to tell folks?
A: For all the dreamers out there, myself included, don’t jump off the cliff just yet! I know it’s tough out there, and I’m still struggling like rest of you, but one day your hard work will be known and appreciated. Luck is substantial, but working hard is the key to success. Life is too short to dream big, so dream bigger! See you at the Oscar!

In case you missed the videos:

I went to write down snarky commentary, but I couldn’t even start pulling it apart. Sure, I can point the pidgin English, fake ethnic costumes, and the song’s undertones of pedophilia…but would I even be accomplishing anything? It glows so hot with obvious troll, that I think the best thing to do is to back away slowly and pretend nothing happened.

Ed’s note: The creator, Patrice Wilson, was also the person responsible for the undigested-sausage-wreck that was Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food.”

“Hey, there’s a China girl!”

Anthony Tao is Editor in Chief of Beijing Cream and a freelance writer/poet. He’ll be heading to Shanghai to take part in the 4th Annual That’s Shanghai Erotic Fiction Competition as part of Shanghai’s (C)litfest.

So Anthony, I hear you’re going to down to Shanghai to be a part of the That’s Shanghai Erotic Fiction Competition at Litfest?

I’m guessing I’ll be in Shanghai by the time this post is up. If you’re not doing anything tonight — assuming it’s Friday; if not, carry on — swing by Glamour Bar on the Bund at 7 pm for some free erotic literature. It’s like erotic massage, but less messy.

What inspired you to do that?

I wrote erotic lit to have an excuse to go to Shanghai.

Nah, just kidding, I write a lot of erotic lit for the hell of it.

Give us a little taste of your story. What’s the general plot?

I don’t want to reveal too much about my story, “The Biwalkers,” except to say that it very much intends to implicate the reader while everting the premise of a certain type of sexual predator who believes in “the hunt.” You’d know what I mean if you’ve ever been to a whisky bar or any watering hole frequented by consultants.

Also, the story was inspired by pandas.

There’s a rich history of erotic lit in China. Do you tie into this tradition in your own work at all?

Absolutely.

Is doing a show of erotic material at all sensitive in China? How sensitive?

I’m going to eschew the easy joke here to say that there is a fair amount of symbolic desecration in The Biwalkers, and I’m very much looking forward to the audience’s reaction.

Tell us a bit about the event?

That’s Shanghai can explain.

Is your erotic fiction autobiographical?

God no!

Well….

What are the strongest adjective and verb colors in your sexual fiction palette?

Amethystine and rouge.

Is it weird that there’s a whole interview with you on a site you run promoting your own work?

What are you talking about? You said this was for TimeOut.

UPDATE, 3/11, 11 am: I lost a rock-paper-scissor contest for the right to be declared winner — and take home a prize vibrator. –Tao

For more “Happy” see the Hong Kong version!

The folks over at the Bespoke Beijing travel agency put together this hilarious spoof promo for the CCTV Tower using a recording of the building’s audio tour. Among other things, I learned that romance is worth 298元.

Police mounted a surprise raid on Dada Bar on Wednesday at 8:30 pm, where the group “Beijing Creatives” was hosting a speaking event where, among others, a photographer, a book designer, and Beijing Cream’s Anthony Tao were giving short talks.  They first pulled aside people who looked Chinese and asked for their ID cards and passports, and then photographed Asian-looking people who could not readily produce them.

Eric Jou, a blogger for Kotaku, spoke to police who told him that it was a “routine check” and that “foreigners should always carry their passports.” Chinese law enforcement is empowered to do such random checks, and traveling without a passport is an offense.

Beijing Creatives bills itself as “an informal platform to engage and inspire creative humans.” The speakers tonight were largely non-political: 3d photographer Mantjaz Tancic, book artist Suo Di from Penguin, Iris Zhao from Yueshi Zhongguo, and Anthony Tao of this website.

Sarina Li, who attended the event, spoke about her experience:

We were there, we were listening to the presentation and all of a sudden there were cops. I saw they were there out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn’t initially worried. But later I knew they would come for me because I look Chinese. They put a flashlight in my face and asked if I had a passport. At first I tried to use Chinese to explain myself, but they couldn’t understand. Then someone next to me deflected the attention by stepping in, showing his ID, and explaining the situation. I didn’t feel too much in danger because I felt like it was scare tactics. Still I felt like I should leave.

Police were not guarding the side door, and a number of people left from there. Those of Asian descent who stayed were noted and their photographs and information were recorded. After police left, the talk actually continued, albeit with a somewhat diminished audience. (Ed’s note: the police arrived soon after a scheduled 10-minute intermission began and didn’t leave until about 40 minutes later.)

Bar owner Michael Ohlsson had a somewhat different take.

They just came in to do a check. They checked our fire extinguishers to make sure they are in the right place, but they were ok. We have all our permits up to date. I’m quite happy the police come down to check in on things like this. China needs to keep on top of the safety.

When asked for more detail, Ohlsson told us that “they haven’t really been in the bar like this for a year and a half now.” When asked about why they checked passports, Ohlsson said that he was guessing that it was “a top-down thing,” and that “a lot of this is going on.”

This kind of event isn’t unprecedented, and there is a chance that this really was a routine inspection. Still, it seems amazingly ineffective and a PR failure to pull out Asian-looking people and try to scare and threaten them. If it’s true that the police are really targeting small Wednesday gatherings of artists and photographers, then the authorities have much more misplaced anxiety and spite than I had previously thought.

Ed’s note, 2/20, 5 pm: As annoying as the police were, it’s important to note that they weren’t targeting specific individuals or anyone involved with Beijing Creatives. That they seemingly picked out Asian-looking bar patrons was curious (though they also asked a few Caucasians for their passports and registration papers, even phoning — presumably — a local Public Security Bureau to verify at least one person’s info), and certainly the timing was unfortunate (at intermission of a well-attended event), but no one got in trouble (to the best of my knowledge).

As for Ohlsson’s comments: I’m inclined to believe that more of these “routine checks” are indeed happening, at least around Dada’s neighborhood. Still, we’re not sure why the cops needed a half-hour last night to check fire extinguishers, harassing bar patrons along the way. -Tao

In other words, Happy Valentine’s Day!

Fortunately, the Taco Bar is coming back, now in a new as-yet-to-decided Sanlitun location. We decided to reach out to Kin to get the skinny.

Unfortunately, during this interview that totally happened face to face and not over email, Kin’s arm was viciously mauled by an eagle that flew into Beijing Cream’s CBD studios. Since our customary supply of opiates had been raided during a recent visit during a visit from Editor in Chief Anthony Tao, Kin was able to only feebly type out his answers to our in-person queries using one mangled, and sadly non-drug-addled hand.

Beijing Cream: So, you’re bringing back the Taco Bar!

Yes!

Beijing Cream:  What made you leave in the first place?

money

Beijing Cream: And why are you coming back?

money

Beijing Cream: What have you been up to since closing the Taco Bar?

scavenging for money

Beijing Cream: What’s your background as a chef?

i eat a lot.

Beijing Cream: What made you want to do Tacos?

rocky likes eating them.

Beijing Cream: What makes your take on tacos different?

i like eating them.

Beijing Cream: Your last restaurant was a sort of secret reservations only kind of deal. Is your new place going to be like this too?

i don’t understand this question.

Beijing Cream: So are you planning any new changes with the reboot?

i am not a computer.

Beijing Cream: What do you think of the Mexican food in China?

i don’t understand this question?

Beijing Cream: Tequila.

sure, you buying?

Beijing Cream: Anything you’re looking forward to? Last ruminations?

Stop using big words that i don’t understand.

Beijing Cream: Thanks, Kin!

Sorry about being vague. There is much still to be discussed and decided amongst us, so we don’t want to set any unnecessary expectations. I’m a grower, not a shower.

Xia, an economist, was dismissed in October in 2013 in what the New York Times called “part of a wide crackdown on scholars, lawyers and writers who have discussed democracy and freedom.” Before I move on from his dismissal, it’s worth mentioning that Eric Fish, writing for the Atlantic, actually talked to students and professors at Peking University who criticized Xia for being a poor teacher didn’t “care about teaching at all.”

Regardless, Xia is part of a larger story about the lives of dissidents after they lose their position of influence in China. Instead of working to influence things in China, they join conservative organizations in the United States that co-opt them as part of an anti-China agenda.

It happened with Chen Guancheng, who left China only to end up at the Witherspoon Institute where he regularly forecasts China’s doom. It happened to Chai Ling, a now widely discredited figure of the Tiananmen student movement, who saw Christ and pillories China in Congressional hearings like “China’s One-Child Policy: The Government’s Massive Crime Against Women and Unborn Babies.” It happens to so many dissidents.

I understand why they do it. You can say bad things about China in China and go to jail, or you can have conservatives pay you enormous amounts of money to do it in the US. Regardless it causes these activists to lose credibility as agents of change in China, and the impact they can have from the States is minimal.

Let’s end with Professor’s Xia’s words on the subject

“If you want institutional change, someone must be willing to stand out to make a contribution, even sacrifice.”

Let’s see the sacrifice he can make from his desk at Cato.

Boo frickity hoo.

Anybody who has spent time in China is very familiar with signs like this one, posted with shock by sports writer Greg Wyshnyski.

People have asked me what surprised me the most here in Sochi. It’s this. Without question … it’s … THIS. pic.twitter.com/1jj05FNdCP

— Greg Wyshynski (@wyshynski) February 4, 2014

If you have spent time in the 1/4 of the world that just does toilets like this can just can go ahead and mime Bart Simpson air choking.

The Chicago Tribune’s Stacy St. Claire gave us another familiar #SochiProblems

Water restored, sorta. On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like. #Sochi #unfiltered pic.twitter.com/sQWM0vYtyz

— Stacy St. Clair (@StacyStClair) February 4, 2014

Somebody get this girl some Nongfu Springs! This bad boy clocked in at 5,838 retweets, presumably from people shocked that water doesn’t naturally shoot from magic superfaucets everywhere. And I know this one looks familiar:

Watch your step @Sochi2014 — I’ve noticed on walkway and on sidewalks that not all man holes are always covered. pic.twitter.com/a5Nv4wu5iA

— Jo-Ann Barnas (@JoAnnBarnas) February 1, 2014

Ahem.

There’s lots of examples of this, but I don’t mean to heap too much blame on these reporters who may turn around and create some quality journalism on the games. It’s just that I think that by feeding this whole #SochiProblems phenomenon, they are subtly preying on a part of the Western media consciousness that wants to look out and see only dysfunction and difference.

I think It’s okay to point out these things, but I think journalists have a responsibility to take care that they don’t let them eclipse everything else. @SochiProblems, an account that resposts complaints around the Olympics, has nearly 300,000 followers. Many more people have seen the photos of the offending toilet, yellow water, and open manhole than have glimpsed at these three journalists’ articles. With this in mind, I wonder if they are happy with the overall impact of their work in Russia?

Something to think about before you take your next Chinese toilet instagram.