Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” Music Video: What The Hell?

The wonderfully idiotic adults behind Rebecca Black’s “Friday” have done it again, kidnapping what appears to be a sweet teenage girl and forcing her in front of the camera to perform the world’s worst song. Ark Music Factory, led by producer Patrice Wilson (he’s the dude in the panda costume; what panda costume, you ask? hang on), has topped itself with “Chinese Food,” simply a glop of bewilderment and suburban American camp.

I’m not going to pretend to hate this, because I don’t. I’m just, like you, astonished to have this opportunity to peel back the skin of music and art and stick my head in — all the way in — so that the other side comes into plain view: a blond girl, a man in a panda suit, a chaperoned slumber party… and Chinese food. Welcome to the aesthete’s Technicolored nightmare.

If you’d rather avoid losing three-and-a-half unrecoverable minutes of your life, here’s basically what happens: a peppy young blond walks in a field complaining about her hunger after “I go clubbing” (white person problem No. 2,491). In the classic patois of teenage girls everywhere, she uses reduplication (e.g., “I like-like him”) to tell you exactly how she feels: “getting getting getting grumpy grumpy.” But lo! Is that a Chinese restaurant? Yes it is!

I see Chow, by my right
I smell food in the air
It’s Chinese Food, my favorite
So I’m getting getting getting getting hungry

How much do you like Chinese food, Alison Gold?

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

It goes on like this for a while until a stuffed panda comes into play. He looks, at first, like a stalker, but Alison takes fondly to him and they hold hands while skipping through a field. (No, really. Also, I thought kids hated pandas.) Patrice Wilson reveals himself and eats some barbecue in the creepiest way. And then the coup de grace: Alison and her bratty friends put on qipao and white face powder in what looks to be a chaperoned party. Check out the adult on the left of this screen grab. She is every suburban mother you know.

Alison Gold Chinese Food video 1

The final scene is Alison looking down on a fortune cookie slip telling her “The panda will fly away on a rainbow.”

Then:

Alison Gold Chinese Food video 10

People on the Internet are calling casual racism on this thing, but honestly, there’s no need to pile on. Just give these people the blame –

Written and Produced by: Patrice Wilson
Co-Produced and Mixed by: Heath Ripplinger
Video Directed by: Ian Hotchkiss, Chris Lowe and Patrice Wilson

– and move on with your lives.

Also, enjoy these screenshots:

Alison Gold Chinese Food video 2
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 3
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 4
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 5
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 6
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 7
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 8
Alison Gold Chinese Food video 9

The lyrics:

After balling I go clubbing
Then I’m hugging
Then I’m hungry and I’m walking on the street
and I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy

I see Chow, by my right
I smell food in the air
It’s Chinese Food, my favorite
So I’m getting getting getting getting hungry

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

Read the menu
They got broccoli
Even chicken wings
Make it spicy
And you like it
Cause it’s beautiful
And it tastes so so so good

I like the egg rolls
And the wonton soup
This makes me feel so so good
Fortune cookies, tell my future
Chinese Chinese Food

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

[Patrice Wilson:]
Yo!
I like Chinese food
And some Wonton soup
Get me broccoli
While I play Monopoly
Don’t be a busy bee
Cause it’s your fantasy
To eat Chinese food
Egg roll and Chop Suey
I use the chopsticks
To eat pot sticks
Put some hot sauce and sweet and sour make it sweet
Because Chinese food takes away my stress
Now I’m going to go eat Panda Express

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

I love Chinese food (Yeah)
you know that it’s true (Yeah)
I love fried rice (Yeah)
I love noodles (Yeah)
I love Chow mein
Chow Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo Mein

(H/T Sheehan)

11 Responses to “Alison Gold’s “Chinese Food” Music Video: What The Hell?”

    • mike

      Looks like some shite from the 90s. On behalf of all white trash, I deeply apologize. If Alison Gold ever goes of China, she’ll get hers.

      Reply
  1. Chinese Netizen

    At least no one here got on the “I am highly offended and bothered by this” high horse of self righteousness!
    Must not be any Chinese-Americans in this crowd…

    Reply
  2. Patrice Wilson

    how long until the first video of chinese elementary students singing this song gets posted on beijing cream?

    i actually think the kindergarten-level simplicity of the lyrics and the…straightforward/kungfu panda-style take on chinese culture will make this a decent intro-english teaching aid.

    side point, if Ark Music Factory keeps pumping out these gems, it will only be a matter of time before they join the ranks of Tommy Wiseau and The Asylum as camp auteurs.

    Reply
  3. ShanghaiReader

    If you hate it so much, why do you post the link and, in effect, promoting it? I watched the video, and I don’t think there is anything wrong. It’s a great song.

    Reply
  4. fred

    Patrice is a retarded genius, I say that as a compliment. Youtube viral trolling isn’t that easy, so many have tried and failed…

    Reply
  5. terroir

    The average opinion on Youku is that this is definitive proof that Japan belongs to China. Uh-huh.

    Also: those aren’t qipao, otherwise known as cheongsam/what hostesses all wear at restaurants. Those are kimonos wore by geishas, the robes that are brusquely torn asunder when a lusty, drunk samurai blunders into the tea house.

    Reply

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