This comes via Valentina Luo’s review of Hu Xijin’s new book, Hu Xijin Talks About the Complex China (he put his own name in the book title?), in That’s Beijing:

Shan Renping, the acid-tongued Global Times columnist who has called Chen Guangcheng “a tool of… the West and its supporters” and Ai Weiwei “literally nothing…without the support of the West” has long been considered the newspaper’s Rottweiller, surpassing even chief editor Hu Xijin in his tireless Frisbee-fetching.

Now a new book, Hu Xijin Talks about the Complex China (People’s Daily Press), reveals that Shan is, in fact… Hu Xijin.

Mr. Hu apparently made the admission (confession?) in the preface. It reminds us of something TAR Nation wrote way back when:

Since we had a pop at the laughably insane Hu Xijin last week, this week’s propaganda piñata will be Shan Renping. Now, Shan is by no means as high profile as Hu Xijin, but he makes up for it by being more hateful and intellectually repulsive. Unfortunately, Shan is a rather difficult party proselytizer to find, much in line with the traditional problem propagandists face (i.e. hiding so that people don’t beat them to death with sticks). So in lieu of a picture, I have provided a dramatization of what he looks like:

This was followed by a picture of a 2,000-ton pile of burning cow manure, partly reproduced above. It was inelegant, but those were the early days.

“No one can say I held a personal grudge,” TAR tells us. “I hated him without knowing who he was. I hated his very soul. Some people live their entire lives not having a hate like that. I’m a little choked up.

“It solves a problem though. I used to say to myself ‘HU XIJIN is the WORST!,’ but then, I would look at Shan Renping, and he was also ‘the worst.’ That’s a weight of my mind. Case closed. Hu Xijin is the worst person on earth, ever.”

You’ve Never Read: Hu Xijin (That’s Beijing)

Global Times editor-in-chief Hu Xijin made his first trip to India recently, and apparently he was so impressed with what he saw that he granted a rare media interview. Pramit Pal Chaudhuri of the Hindustan Times, the lucky interviewer, called GT a “voice of ultranationalism” in the resulting article, and revealed that contrary to misconception, Global Times doesn’t merely regurgitate government propaganda; rather, say staffers, the paper writes based on its “market.”

Global Times editorials and often its oped pieces are among the most critical of the Indian government and, arguably, even more critical of countries like Japan and Vietnam when the newspaper comments on foreign policy issues. In India, this has caused much excitement since it is assumed that a state-owned newspaper must be reflecting the opinion of the Chinese Communist Party and Chinese government.

Global Times staffers argue otherwise. They take a tough stance in part because that is their market nice — many of whom are from the security forces or young urbanites with a strong sense of nationalism.

In other words, they still don’t believe half the stuff they say, but publish because they think their readers believe it. So there you go, confirmation that the Chinese people don’t like India. Doesn’t that make you feel better, Hindustan Times readers?

Also, we learn from the mouth of Hu himself:

“I have been told this [that Global Times resembles Fox News]. But I had never heard of Fox News until I was asked this.”

It’s good to know that Hu isn’t consciously modeling GT’s editorials off the worst of pundit journalism. The man marches to his own tune — an off-key, jangling refrain on a rusty bugle.

And:

“The party put me in this job and they can take me away,” he notes. “Over the years, party control is getting weaker.”

Watch out, world. Hu Xijin is breaking his shackles, soon to publish what his heart really desires: retrocomputing, the women of English football, kitty porn.

Hu was treated kindly by the people he met in India.

“I had expected much hostility towards China because of the articles we carry describing the arguments between the two countries. But people are quite friendly here.

He did not meet TAR Nation. UPDATE, 4:18 pm: Says TAR: “This article is a lie, Hu Xijin dines only on Japanese children.”

Breakfast With Global Times (Hindustan Times)

By TAR Nation

On Tuesday night, the Global Times published an article damning Elton John for dedicating his performance to Ai Weiwei and encouraging Chinese people to boo future similar performers off the stage. On the same day, GT published “‘Top thinkers’ list a reflection of US values,” a scathing indictment of Foreign Policy’s list, which features, among others, Ai Weiwei.

It seems that GT will do just about anything it can to insult, discredit and destroy Ai Weiwei.

But it was not always so.

THE LOVE AFFAIR

Once upon a time, Ai was a common feature in the Global Times English-language edition. Collaborator on the Bird’s Nest Stadium, world-renowned artist, troublemaker with just enough sense to stay inside the lines, Ai Weiwei.

There was once optimism at the ludicrously nationalistic propaganda rag, confidence that it wouldn’t just be another party-line tool. No one really knows what happened to make GT’s English-language site become an embarrassment to both China and the government for which it plays pitbull. The columns from He-Hu-Shall-Not-Be-Named got more hateful and violent. The toadying slowly rose to nausea-inducing levels. And anyone who had any idealism got fired, quit or paid enough not to mind.

But back in 2009, there was hope that GT could be relevant, and Ai, just bad-boy enough to make it into the papers, was a bread-and-butter play.

In November 2009, Ai was cited in a feature called “Rage inside the machine,” an article so-called for observations in his blog. In the same month, Ai was mentioned in “2009 in features,” noting a New York Times piece “about some of the more disquieting aspects of his life and work.” In September of that same year, Ai was lauded in “Ai Weiwei’s World Map,” a puff piece featuring his gallery opening in 798. Quote: “Commenting on the socio-political and economic climate of contemporary China, Ai uses metaphoric references, humor, pun and political irony to redefine and reconsider the meaning of traditions.”

GT also acknowledged, without foaming at the mouth, his earthquake work:

As an internationally recognized contemporary Chinese artist, Ai found himself under the spotlight again in December when he started an investigation into the student casualties in the Sichuan earthquake last May.

“Artist,” not dissident or traitor or Western stooge or liberal. “Artist.”

It wasn’t just the Global Times, either. No one really had an excuse to hunt the bearded media-savvy artiste. Xinhua was all aflutter over his being chosen by the Danish government to design a replacement for their “The Little Mermaid,” which was going to be at the Shanghai Expo in 2010, a story reported earlier in May 2009. Under the People’s Daily wide umbrella, The Market News (市场报) praised him in 2005. In Global People (环球人物) and in the overseas edition of People’s Daily, Ai got the celebrity treatment. And Economic Weekly (中国经济周刊) fawned over him in 2009 (see above CMP link for more info).

In the Global Times Forum, GT published Ai’s blog post, “Why Barack Obama should talk about human rights.” In December of the same year, Ai got himself a massive feature, “Making waves,” which celebrated and rejoiced in his kitschy grassroots investigation into the earthquake and artwork. Also, in 2009, GT published this picture:

That is Ai Weiwei’s 9,000 backpacks spelling out “She led a happy life in this world for seven years” in memory of Yang Xiaowan, who died in the Sichuan earthquake. The article was a call to arms for brilliant bloggers, opening with, “Reports of the death of blogging appear greatly exaggerated.”

2010 was not much different. Wen Tao, the greatest reporter you’ll never meet, published “Ai Weiwei takes on ministry” in March 2010. From “A bit of Beijing in Berlin” to “Artist share moving stories,” he was China’s premier artist and lovable eccentric. GT seemingly took his side on the demolition of Fake, and they even published Ai’s personal photos of a protest.

Here is a photo of Ai Weiwei actually IN the Global Times building on Guanghualu in Beijing having his photo taken with staff in early 2011, about three months before GT branded him a “tool of the West.”

The important thing to remember is that, at this time, not one editorial from Hu Xijin or Shan Renping said a word about Ai Weiwei. It just wasn’t in their wheelhouse.

Then he “touched the red line,” as Hu Xijin put it.

THE RED LINE

Everything changed on April 6, 2011, after Ai’s arrest for “tax evasion.” Global Times turned on him with a coordinated character assault. The following is an excerpt from “The law will not be twisted for mavericks” (Chinese edition translation, all praise be unto CMP).

Ai Weiwei, who has been called an “avant-garde artist,” was reportedly “led away” by Chinese police recently, and a number of Western governments and “human rights organizations” quickly stepped out to interfere, demanding that China immediately release Ai Weiwei. They also elevated this matter as a “worsening of human rights” in China, and called Ai Weiwei a “champion of human rights in China.”

Ai Weiwei is a “performance artist” who has been quite active in recent years, and he is often called an “avant-garde artist.” He is a maverick standing on his own. He goes against artistic tradition, and he loves “shocking others with words” (惊人之语) and “shocking others with actions” (惊人之举). He also enjoys moving at the “fringes of the law”, doing things “the legality or illegality of which” ordinary people can’t quite grasp.

As Ai Weiwei loves doing things his way, he often does things “others don’t dare to do.” Moreover, he is surrounded by people of similar ilk. He is probably quite clear himself that he is often not very far from the red line of Chinese law.

This is how fast the whole of China’s propaganda machine can turn on anyone, with vicious and injudicious use of quotation marks.

The Chinese newspapers have done this with every dissident to get a headline, asserting that they sold out their country for fame and glory in the West. They did it with Liu Xiaobo, Liao Yiwu, Chen Guangcheng, ad infinitum. So, in the end, it wasn’t Ai Weiwei that did wrong. It was his defenders, and his defenders came from artists and advocates in pretty much every country on earth with an Internet connection. This means one thing in China: the West.

But Ai Weiwei didn’t just fall from grace. He was pushed.

From that point forward, he was referred to as a dissident or a Western pawn, never again as an “award-winning Chinese artist.” His name became “sensitive,” support of him became harmonized and he was relegated to the scapegoat cabinet of Chinese media. These efforts were, and continue to be, spearheaded by the nationalistic shame that is Global Times. People’s Daily largely stays out of it, but when they do wade into those waters, they reprint from GT. Xinhua does the same. Due to Ai’s general charisma and the fact that he hasn’t really done anything wrong, the Chinese media (and GT in particular) had but one stick left to beat him with: “the West.” And, man, have they worn out that stick.

Here is a smattering of what happened when the worm turned:

“Ai Weiweis will be washed away by history,” November 16, 2011, by Shan Renping:

Artist Ai Weiwei told foreign media recently that some 30,000 people lent him in total 8.8 million yuan ($1.4 million) to pay the tax bill and fine… Is 30,000 a big number, compared to China’s population of 1.3 billion? Even weibo has more than 100 million users. [...]

Ai is a symbol of those dissidents that win full support from the West. Chinese people who have interest in politics all know him. But for those who don’t know him or cannot remember him, are not interested in his game of political confrontation.

The West has supported many dissidents in China. The Western media once regarded Wei Jingsheng, imprisoned in 1978 for 15 years, as “the father of Chinese democracy.” That “father” is now in some little corner of the US and journalists don’t even bother to report on him. [...]

We must say that without the support of the West, Ai is literally nothing. [...]

Their prospects are closely connected with China’s misfortune… Then let’s hope their luck is not so good. Their appearance could serve to keep a prosperous China vigilant.

“West’s support of Ai Weiwei abnormal,” April 16, 2011 (a year after Ai is initially arrested), by an unnamed editor:

Since early April, the arrest of Chinese artist Ai Weiwei has been used by some Western media as a stick with which to bash China’s human rights situation.

As a Chinese citizen, Ai undoubtedly enjoys favorable treatment from the West, which constitutes an intrusion of China’s legal system. The Western bias toward Ai results from his confrontational attitude to the government. [...]

The belief that there is political persecution in China is a fallacy.  Instead, the country is witnessing the unfolding of democracy. At the same time, that does not mean the people mentioned above can do whatever they want in the name of democracy, nor does the West have the right to set up a roadmap and timetable for China.

It is abnormal to hype up Ai’s case – the West seeks to refute China’s basic political system by paralyzing its legal system. The West will undoubtedly oppose any future verdict on Ai Weiwei, as it aims to put down Chinese values.

“Take note of grass-roots opposition to dissidents,” June 18, 2012, by Yu Jincui:

Ai Weiwei and the Dalai group have both been rejected by the mainstream of Chinese society but are portrayed in a noble light by the West. They have been granted high status by a few Western politicians and political forces. This high recognition abroad, however, is not acknowledged among the majority of Chinese. [...]

At the most, people are often puzzled as to why activists and separatists are given so much attention by the West. The Chinese public values more rational approaches to moving this huge country forward. But this simple feeling is often ignored by the West, thus putting itself at odds with Chinese mainstream society.

There are many more, including this week’s “Elton John’s outburst met with indifference” by the “man” himself, Hu Xijin. (Note: Five unsolicited responses have come forward to tell me that Elton’s “outburst” was met with a reaction, and that it was positive.)

Obviously, John’s [yes, he calls him John] unexpected action was disrespectful to the audience and the contract that he signed with the Chinese side. He forcibly added political content to the concert, which should have been nothing more than an entertaining performance. If they had known that this concert would be dedicated to Ai Weiwei, many in the audience would not have come to see this concert. [...]

Western society is seriously biased against China. When US magazine Foreign Policy compiled a list of 100 global thinkers from around the world, the first Chinese on that list was blind activist Chen Guangcheng, and the second was Ai Weiwei. Even to Chinese people who have sympathy for these two people, this list may seem ridiculous. [...]

The selection of Chen and Ai makes people wonder whether the word “thinker” in Chinese and English have different meanings. We can just say that some Westerners are increasingly unable to contain themselves over China’s rise. They cannot control China through normal means and they are more likely to rush their fences.

A LITTLE BIT OF REVENGE

It’s important to mention that Ai didn’t take all this lying down. In November 2011, he fought back by releasing the personal phone number of Hu Xijin, the editor-in-chief of the Global Times who pens GT’s editorials and is, as it happens, one of the worst living “human beings.” I have no particular love for Ai Weiwei — art is, let’s be honest, a bit poncey — but everyone is a huge fan of screwing with bullies and getting away with it.

Hu Xijin, a consummate professional, took the fight to his state-funded Communist Party propaganda rag for fair and balanced coverage. We have confirmation that he penned this himself:

So, the man who was detained, extra-judicially, for 81 days (along with his completely innocent staff) caused the propaganda monsters to “suffer” from prank phone calls.

Other gems in this piece include:

The staff of Global Times have no personal grudge against Ai. Global Times has published several commentaries concerning Ai’s case since April but has made no personal attacks against him.

He must have missed the “Ai is literally nothing” bit.

Besides, these comments were conducted against the background of Western media and foreign governments meddling in Ai’s case. Global Times’ response is normal work for a newspaper.

It isn’t. It’s the “normal work” of a childish bully with the full financial and political backing of a brutal autocracy. Also, please refrain from calling the Global Times a newspaper. It tends to make people retch.

Take Ai Weiwei, he should be cautious about his behavior, by invading the privacy of his criticizers because of criticism against him, he negated the expectations of those around him.

My grammar check in MSword brings up three green lines in that sentence. So, assuming it can be made grammatically correct, it’s incorrect. Those around Ai seemed to be in full support; some even went to prison for him, all while GT spewed editorials from its ears about how he is a pawn of the “West.”

The Chinese government should take measures to regulate the online order and curb the increasingly rampant violations on personal rights, including invasion of privacy and death threats. The relevant authorities should take actions to crack down on these illegal acts while safeguarding the freedom of speech.

Ai Weiwei did his thing on Twitter, so… wish granted. You can’t crack down on things you’ve already banned.

THE LESSON

That is what happens when propaganda turns on you, and it is not an isolated case. Similar things have happened with politicians like Bo Xilai, nations like Myanmar and even websites like Google. The moment something stops being convenient, the dogs are released and the floor is covered in blood.

In the end, the lesson here is that China has invented enemies, and you can become one in a second if you overplay your hand while in the public eye. It just takes one spotty editor in one rolly-chair to decide that you are detrimental to “society.” From then on, you are an assumed dissident and a plank for China to beat its imaginary enemies just because they may or may not have tried to stand up for you.

That is, unless, you wade through it all, wade through the hate-filled commentaries, the government bullying, the arrests of the people you love and respect, the alienation, the jail time and official condemnations of your talents; then maybe, just maybe, you get to be a rock star whose Gangnam Style video garners worldwide attention.

Worth it.

|To Serve People Archives|

Despite censorship, the Chinese Internet is still capable of producing gem. On Sina Weibo, an Anhui-based user, @每周评论 wrote a short-lived post that identified the “10 Most Horrid People of 2012.” Hong Kong-based China Media Project tells us the post was deleted “sometime before 12:05 p.m. yesterday,” but not before they were to extract and translate the list. Coming at No. 1: Sima Nan. But it’s No. 9 — Global Times editor-in-chief Hu Xijin — who has at least one of us cackling with joy.

“That made my day,” said TAR Nation. If you agree with him, you might enjoy:

• In Defense Of The French, At Least Hu Xijin Isn’t French
• Chinese History, Hu Xijin, And The National Human Rights Action Plan of China
• Hu: The Man Who Lets the Dogs Out

You’re advised that the above columns may contain R-rated language.

(H/T Alicia)

A weekly column in which Chinese media is taken to the stocks.

By TAR Nation

Hu “The Gelded Fuckwit” Xijin took a moment this week to remind everyone that no one should pay any attention whatsoever to the Nobel Prize, unless it is won by a Chinese person that has yet to get in trouble.

Having hated the West, Westerners, the Nobel Prize and human thought for his entire “journalistic” career, Hu “The Pitiless Twat” Xijin was surprised by the Nobel Committee’s choice.

Hu “The Massive Douche-Covered Cunt” Xijin has a complicated relationship with the Nobel. For example, many may remember when he supported denying Norwegian Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik a visa and the cancellation of ministerial level talks after the Nobel Committee awarded Liu Xiaobo the Nobel Peace Prize.

With this in mind, Hu “The Mop-headed Vagina Face” Xijin penned “Nobel Prize a win for mainstream values.”

Here are a few lovely little nuggets from Hu “The Unfortunately Un-shanked” Xijin:

Ordinarily, we should treat the Nobel Prize with indifference, as past prizes have tended to be politicized, just like the peace prize.

Note: Hu “The Painful Mole that Might be Cancer” Xijin suggests that all Chinese people are simply a pronoun in his mind, “we.” He actually thinks he speaks for a nation of people. He’s that nuts.

The editorial goes on to clarify Hu “Smegma” Xijin’s agenda vis-à-vis being a tit, as he denounces three Nobel Laureates: the Dalai Lama, Liu Xiaobo and Gao Xingjian, whose works are largely banned.

Chinese people generally believed that Gao was awarded this prize because of the political leanings in his literary works.

Despite Gao’s books being banned across the board, Hu “The War Criminal” Xijin (who I’m surprised can read) suggests that ALL Chinese people (undoubtedly the shrewdest of literary scholars) judged Gao’s work to be dreck, suitable only for the most unctuous Western political palate.

For readers of… well… things, it will be immediately apparent that Hu “The Anal Polyp” Xijin hates all things Western. Everything. All of his compasses are half-circles. But, in this even, he was positively ecstatic about the West. He was so glad that the Chinese will one day peacefully liberate the Nobel Prize from its imperialist aggressors.

Mo is a mainstream Chinese writer. This suggests that the West doesn’t only embrace individuals that are against the Chinese system. It cannot reject the Chinese mainstream for long. No matter what inspired the award this time, it is a welcome decision. We hope such appreciation of Chinese mainstream ideas can extend further.

There’s that “we” again. And:

This reflects the greater attention the West is giving China. The Nobel Prize is closing the distance with China in its own way.

To round up, Hu “The Drug Resistant Tuberculosis” Xijin decided to warn the Nobel Committee of an impending takeover.

China has created many miracles in the past three decades, including lasting economic growth without incurring any wars. This should be recognized by the Nobel committee, which shouldn’t only focus on the fringes of Chinese society. It doesn’t add to the glory of Nobel Prize if it is at odds with China for long.

Also, another GT editorial, “Dissidents Alone in Ruining the Mo-ment,” is equally deplorable, droning on like a robot less intelligent than a toaster about what ALL Chinese people “think.”

By now, everyone has heard of Mo Yan, his Nobel and even some words uttered about Liu Xiaobo. Some are pissed because they don’t like the fact that an apolitical Chinese author won. Others are turning the spotlight on China’s repressive political system. The newspapers seem to think this means the West is coming around to China’s way of thinking about intellectuals and politics, largely because their editors are all mentally sub-normal.

Personally, I’m reminded of a Stephen Jay Gould quote: “I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein’s brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops.

So, pour one out for all the great Chinese literary homies that didn’t make it through the past, can’t stand up in the present and are too scared of the future to bother.

This Week’s Hottest Autocrat 

Chicks and China both love bad boys, but whereas girls like motorcycles and fighting, Beijing’s newspapers get all wet and sticky for just about any dictator that considers a 30-foot portrait of themselves a “public works” project. Kim Jong Il, Bashar al-Assad, The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, the list is endless.

First up on the authoritarian hotties list is the Despot with the Soft-spot, the Latin in the Satin Straightjacket, the one, the only: Hugo “Boss” Chavez!

As despots go, he’s mild at best, but you just can’t buy his kind of crazy. From the US-made Haiti Earthquake Machine to saying NATO gave him cancer, Hugo is an unending source of harmless foolishness. Harmless, that is, unless you’re all, like, obsessed with human rights.

The Chinese press had a rare treat this week when one of their beloved psychotic allies was elected freely and “fairly” in elections, of a sort.

Nevertheless, in China Daily’s “Chavez expected to boost China links,” the courageous Chinese press fought hard and got the line “Radical reform or change is unlikely to happen during the next term of re-elected Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.” Hooray! Critical analysis!

Followed quickly by, “but he will continue to implement policies that benefit the poor and become closer to China.”

Un-hooray.

The only mention of Chavez’s little “bat-shit nuts” problem was in the line, “On foreign policy, Chavez is a self-sufficient revolutionary, known for calling the former US President George W. Bush ‘the devil’.”

They omitted the fact that he is probably more famous for calling the Israelis “like Hitler.” Now, that’s diplomacy.

In true Chinese propaganda-style, People’s Daily announced his victory with, “Chavez claims election victory defeats int’l coalition against him.”

Still, he won, so here’s a drink to your populist psychosis — you lovable nut, you.

The Huawei of all Flesh

The Chinese propaganda rags have a habit of referring to things in China as “China.” This is the case with Huawei or ZTE. These two companies ran into a spot of bother with the House of Representatives Permanent Select Intelligence Committee, if you haven’t heard.

The Global Times issued a reasoned and nuanced retort to the main accusations made by the Committee.

Ha! Just kidding. They wrote this: “Why does US fear Chinese telecom giants?”

The US is gradually becoming reduced to an unreasonable country.

Said the Global Fucking Times.

It is because the US government wants to protect the interests of US companies that it is being so unreasonable.

Yeah, to have figured that one out, you would have had to have done something crazy like, you know, read the report.

China cannot be as generous as it was before.

Yup, “generous.” That’s what everyone thinks of when they think of China’s business practices, not “hopelessly subservient to party whims” or “lacking in quality control.” Nope. It’s all about the generosity.

The thing is, this very editorial (and many like it) are rock hard evidence that China doesn’t play fair when it comes to international commerce. The view of the CCP is that if you even get near to screwing with anything Chinese, they will poop upon you from a great height. The horde of government-owned newspapers will descend en masse and create a diplomatic horror storm where there was none.

This was seen before, when the Confucius Institutes had a hissy fit. Before the Chinese government editorial blitz, I would have said Confucius Institutes were harmless soft power pushes. After, I say gut them and turn them into Taco Bells.

The report from the US House Intelligence Committee is right here. As a matter of fact, on the same site, I recommend the responses from Huawei and ZTE regarding the original concerns here and here.

The report and further investigations have been bitchy to say the least, and it is just sticking it to China. The overall gist of the tiff goes a little something like this:

US House Intelligence Committee: Hey! Are you going to roll over for the Communist Party if they ask?

Huawei and ZTE: We are great companies that bring development to China.

Intelligence Committee: No, really, seriously, are you going to fuck with us just because the CCP gets a bug up its ass?

Huawei and ZTE: Years ago, Shenzhen was just a small city, but today, it is more like Silicon Valley, a Silicon Valley that has been part of China since ancient times.

Intelligence Committee: Dude!

Huawei and ZTE, snickering: Okay, no, we promise we won’t spy just because the Communist Party tells us to.

Intelligence Committee: And you promise that we can take a look at your books?

Huawei and ZTE: Yes.

Intelligence Committee: The important stuff? You know, so we can make sure that your companies aren’t involved in state secret keeping?

Huawei and ZTE: HA! No! It is a state secret! (They run out of the room laughing.)

The report is obviously trying to piss off China’s public sector, a feat half as difficult as simply succumbing to gravity. In reality, this whole debacle raises some very important questions. Can any large Chinese business ever really be private? What is the effect of this endless media bullying? Does not having an objective oversight body harm Chinese business interests abroad?

Oh well, I’m sure Huawei isn’t getting into our phones and computers to HAPPY MOTHERLAND IS GIVE YOU MANY GOODS AND DEVELOPMENT. HATE JAPAN. HAVE A GOOD NIGHTTIME!!!!!! J

|To Serve People Archives|

A weekly column in which Chinese media is taken to the stocks.

By TAR Nation

First, KATO!

No, not that Kato. Yoshikazu Kato.

He’s a Japanese writer who has written for the Financial Times, Oriental Outlook and… and… The Global Times?!

You don’t know Yoshikazu? He’s the filthy Jap Devil who wants to steal/buy islands from the motherland. Maybe that’s why Global Times invited not one, not two, but three writers to hate on him in an editorial called “Japanese writer stirs up Nanjing storm.” What did he do to deserve this amount of loathing?

He spoke about China’s history.

The first and second rule of China is: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT CHINA’S HISTORY.

More specifically, he said that he was “unsure of the facts” surrounding the Nanjing massacre. Okay. So am I, insofar as I’m not an academic on the subject. Obviously, I think it happened, otherwise I would be a conspiracy theorist and a cretin. The Rape of Nanjing is quite possibly the only historical event in the history of China that has been recorded correctly in the Chinese press.

Thing is, that was all Kato said — unsure of facts. Later, he somewhat detracted that statement on his Weibo, but added that people should “look at various channels for historical truth.”

Ah, silly, stupid Kato. Apart from prostrating himself and begging to be raped, there was pretty much no way to successfully backtrack.

So, he almost said something that was kinda indicative of something that might be controversial if he said it in the way that people supposed he did despite detracting the point…

Yeah, that’s worth a three-editorial response.

However, I will give the Global Times kudos on this one. They acted like the free press around the world, albeit the worst part of the free press (i.e. droning on about something of no consequence because it might be a little controversial).

Now that you’ve had your kudos, GT, brace yourself. Things are going to get ugly.

Next: UK, Norway are paying price for arrogance

This comes in the shape of Hu Xijin, our favorite mad Chinese newspaperman — assuming that the Global Times is, in fact, a newspaper and not something created by a cruel and unkind god to persecute literate mammals.

The editorial is in response to the Dalai Lama in the UK and Liu Xiaobo’s Nobel Prize, which remains all Norway’s fault. It opens by saying that these two countries are going to be punished.

What did fearsome China do?

“China has recently canceled several ministerial-level talks with the UK and denied a visa to former Norwegian Prime Minister Kjell Magne Bondevik.”

So… granted Kjell Magne Bondevik a pardon from sure suffering? That’s what China did?

I tried to imagine what it would be like to be in “ministerial-level talks” with China, but then I got all dizzy and woke up with a strong desire to cut myself.

And man oh man did Kjell dodge a bullet. He was going to come to China? Fuck that. I live here. It’s rubbish. And, what’s worse, you’re not even allowed to say that it’s rubbish. Because if you say it to an expat, they’ll tell you how lucky you are and how there are so many opportunities and how you really need to go and talk to the everyday Chinese pe— WHY DON’T YOU ALL JUST GO TO HELL! Then, after you hit them, they get mad and tell you to go back to your own country if you don’t like it, as if you like or are welcome in your home country. My ideal place is on a tropical island that looks and feels like a boob, with air conditioning and good wifi. It’s a human right to be a misanthrope, and China is the only place where it’s illegal to be one in print.

But I digress.

Let’s have a little taste of GT’s madness:

They must pay the due price for their arrogance. This is also how China can build its authority in the international arena. China doesn’t need to make a big fuss because of the Dalai or a dissident, but it has many options to make the UK and Norway regret their decision.

Despite the fact that this sounds like a declaration of trade war from the party mouthpiece, it’s childish. It amounts to, “We don’t like him, so you can’t play with him or we won’t be friends anymore.” Then there is the veiled threat. The Chinese propaganda rags AND the far more reactionary CCP are actually, in this modern day and age, threatening developed countries for private awards ceremonies and choice of visitors. Norway? Really?

Continuing:

Studying the West has to take place under the condition of resisting its pressure, otherwise, it is to accept being conquered by the West.

A sentence so rife with inanity that, in response, I will just hit my head on the keyboard, thus:  y6vhub.

The speculation is probably correct. In both cases China’s core interests have been offended. Proper countermeasures are necessary for a big country. If China takes no action, it would be tantamount to tolerating a vicious provocation. This indifference would be despised at home and in the world.

Incorrect. “Home and the world” would probably just think you were an adult with a sense of decency and a functioning sense of proportion.

China-UK cooperation will have to be slowed down. Free trade agreement talks between China and Norway have also been upset. The ensuing loss is a small one for China.

If that’s not bullying, I don’t know what is. Seeing as how China’s top exports are:

1. Passive-aggressive threats.

2. Jackie Chan.

3. Dog food that kills them.

It’s not much of a threat. So, with due respect from forward-thinking people around the globe, you can stick all future free-trade agreements where the sun doesn’t shine (i.e. Beijing, Wukan, Datong, et al.).

It’s not easy to have Chinese society’s sympathy on China’s sovereignty issues. The West has presented various honors to Chinese dissidents, and Chinese people won’t be fooled into believing it is a simple coincidence.

Is that so? Because to be perfectly honest, to believe this shit every day for the past 60 years without beating the people responsible with sticks, my money is on the Chinese people being dumber than a peanut butter butt-plug. Then again, they obviously don’t have a choice. If the Global Times’s existence proves one thing, it’s, “You can fool some of the people all the time, all the people some of the time — and there’s not a goddamned thing they can do about it.”

Hope you enjoyed those kudos.

Also this week: National Human Rights Action Plan of China (2012-2015)

Basically, “China” informed China that they are absolutely and resolutely screwed for human rights for at least the next three years. The State Council of Irony issued a report stating that the Chinese government would do a grand total of fuck-all about human rights from 2012 to 2015. In this, they couldn’t help but take yet another passive-aggressive poke at countries with proper governments by patting themselves on the back that they are publishing the report at all, something other countries (“who point their finger at China”) don’t do. Just to make sure they got their point across, they published it in every newspaper and website that has a CPC phallus sticking out of it.

The major argument for not doing one of these reports is this report. It’s propaganda all the way through. It’s vague. And it’s insulting to anyone who has read a newspaper in the past 10 years.

Now, the report consisted of three things:

1. Things China is already supposed to be doing but can’t enforce.

2. Things China has absolutely no intention of doing.

3. Things China doesn’t mention.

Of the things not or barely mentioned were press freedoms and Internet freedoms (though they insultingly included attempts to widen Internet access — access, mind you, to one of the most highly regulated and censored forms of Internet in the world).

Now, those rights are pretty much the only things I care about. You can slaughter Tibetans until you’re blue in the face, but as long as there is press freedom and Internet freedom, you won’t hear a word of complaint from me about China’s “human rights” situation.

The reason it wasn’t mentioned is because this is the one human right that China’s government will never allow. Ever. The reason for this is that the CPC won’t be able to slaughter Tibetans or burn union organizers at the stake if there is a free press.

The irony, of course, is that this is the easiest one to fix. Just fuck off. That’s all. Easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. Stop scaring people. Stop imprisoning journalists. Stop firing editors. Stop date-raping private publishers. Stop censoring the Internet. And, if you have time, publicly execute Hu Xijin in Tiananmen Square by hatching spiders in his brain. There. Done. How hard was that?

I know that China has a lot of other human rights problems, but this is the one I care about. If I were a lawyer, I’d care about rule of law. If I were a politician, I would care about political rights. If I were a monkey, I would care about the equal distribution of bananas. As it happens, I fancy myself a writer, which makes the CPC pretty much my greatest enemy.

The Chinese government thinks that human rights are a gift to be given to the Chinese people like a massage coupon. Out of that warped logic came excuses as to why China’s human rights situation sucks. Can you guess the main one? Yup, development. China doesn’t have human rights because of development. I can’t argue this point. It’s just that stupid. It’s like saying, “I don’t have any beans because of my sorcerer’s leg brace.”

All that said, this report is my favorite kind of propaganda. It’s the political equivalent of farting in an elevator right before it gets to your floor.

Other gems this week included: The Shenzhou-9 hype to the point where I hoped upon hope that it would crash and burn, Hu Jintao shaking hands with the hottest MILF to ever run a country, China brags about Rio despite pictures like this, the Guangming Daily actually published an article denying the China Containment Theory that Chinese propaganda rags are so fond of, Chinese “netizens” are worthless shite hawks, English.peopledaily.com.cn/opinion.html has not changed their homepage since July 2011 (now that’s some up-to-date-reporting), Syria is apparently evidence of the US’s need for a unipolar global order (like the US wants anything to do with you filthy gibberish-talking metric-lovers), calling the Australians cowards, a pathetic attempt from a conspiracy theorist to equate modern political drama with the Sykes-Picot, and what week in Chinese editorials would be complete without taking a long wet poop on the US?

A weekly column in which Chinese media is taken to the stocks.

By TAR Nation

There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French.

Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle.

French vote shows cracks in democracy Global Times | April 24, 2012 00:30

Every time social order is disrupted anywhere on Earth, the Chinese rags go nuts, bleating that democracy doesn’t work and that it would never work in China.

They did this with Thailand during the red shirt/yellow shirt mess. They did this with the Russian elections. And of course they did it for the idiotic Occupy Wall Street bullwangle.

And now they are taking a crack at the French.

What was wrong with the French elections?

Nothing.

The Eiffel Tower didn’t morph into an angry Beast of Gevaudan, and frogs in wheelchairs didn’t riot in the streets.

They had a presidential election, and voter turnout was 80%. Socialist party candidate François Gérard Georges Hollande came out on top — but just barely, with 28.63% of the vote — and conservative incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy came in at 27.18%. The only other contender was at 17.90%, and the other seven candidates took the rest. The matter will be settled in a second round of elections as it always is.

But the Global Times saw a good opportunity to point out that democracy and intellectual diversity are a waste of time and resources.

The editorial calls France’s democratic elections a “lengthy party, paid for by the political system.”

Of all the cruelties from the Chinese propaganda machine, fake condescension is probably the most infuriating. A party?

Yes, elections can get a bit silly. The people in democratic nations make their leaders squawk like chickens for their supper. This is true. Image is key in elections, but essential in presidential elections. This is something the editorial states explicitly: “candidates’ personalities, their wives, and their ability to please the public have become more important.”

This is what happens when you apply for a job. It’s unfair, stupid and wasteful, but it’s human nature.

But what is going on in France is a microcosm of what is happening elsewhere in the free world. Government funds or privatization? Austerity or investment? Regulation or deregulation? Immigration or protectionism?

The editorial also complains about “slinging mud.” Yeah, that happens too. You see, in democracies, we don’t often have all-purpose hate figures, at least not for long. The speech is given, life goes on, and people can’t even remember why they own the domain name BobDoleisashithead.com. When there is a war on, people like Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden become hate figures for a while until they die, win or cease to matter.

But when politicians are hated in a democracy, it’s for the things we hate about the people around us. That racist old prick who lives downstairs, for example. You can’t just go down stairs and punch him for being a racist or set his cat on fire. But you can spit at your TV when his uber-rightwing representative is on the screen. No one actually hates George W. Bush. They hate what and who he represents.

Everyone calls each other rednecks and hippies and then goes home feeling a little bit better to have “helped.”

I think this keeps a country sane. Otherwise you’ll start inventing a litany of people to hate, imaginary creatures full of lies and cunning.

This editorial has the same broad insults for democracy and countries with democratic governments that these pieces always do, like, “The Western-style democratic system needs reform.”

I find it hard, as a man of learning and letters, to not just say, upon reading something so oblivious, so insanely vague, so insulting: “I’LL REFORM YOUR FACE!”

But what face? Who do you imagine is responsible for this train wreck of an article? As a man of integrity, I shall treat this matter with the utmost respect.

That’s right, it’s our good friend Hu Xijin again. Remember him? The cunt responsible for pissing on a dead man’s corpse. The Editor-in-Chief of the Global Times. The above picture depicts him at a symposium called “Taiwan is Definitely Not Part of China” with the Dalai Lama, Rabiya Kadeer and Ai Weiwei, where he met his friend Bo Xilai and had a cup of tea with Satan.

I really, really hate this guy. Not his politics, not his writing, not even his paper. Him. His soul.

Of course democracy needs reform. It is a system that promotes constant reform, which is why democratic countries don’t need bastards banging on every day about the reform that happened 40 years and the reform that will ostensibly take place at some future date. Just one day I want to open a paper in China and not be assaulted with the “opening up.” It was 1978! We’re talking about a year that had Dawn of the Dead, Deer Hunter, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Animal House. If you say with a straight face that the “opening up” was anywhere near as good as Animal House, we will come to blows. Do editorials in democratic countries mention Animal House every day? No. And the “opening up” wasn’t a brilliant idea. Other people thought of it, they just didn’t want to die. And instead of a big pat on the back for it, why don’t you look for the bastards who did the “closing up” in the first place and burn them at the stake?

He also states, “Chinese society is sincere in learning the essence of democracy.” Well, now that I know you speak for the whole of Chinese society, let me say this: You’re a big fucking liar.

Hu’s “Chinese society” doesn’t seem sincere, especially when they jump on a normal French election and say it is evidence of “the flaws of the system.” It doesn’t seem sincere since the last time anyone ever really considered, it they got run over by tanks. It doesn’t seem sincere when every single person has to curtsy to whatever this bastard and his ilk deem to be “collectiveness and cultural unity.”

The last bit of this short editorial I want to take to task is this: “A few diehard Chinese followers of the system (democracy) refuse to admit them (problems), even against rational discussion of these problems.”

How dare you. “Rational discussion”?

There’s your rational discussion. Decades of pain, penury, strife, imprisonment, exile and murder. I’ll pass on rational discussion and go straight for rage, disgust and abhorrence. It’s easy to have a rational discussion when you know your side will kill, imprison or exile the person who disagrees with you.

In summation, nothing at all bad happened at the French elections. A new leader will likely come out of this, and no one had to die. That, to me, is pretty cool, especially when you consider the millions the Chinese Politburo could kill in their death throes. Sure, democracies in different nations have their own problems, but the Chinese media will also kindly note that there were no riots, and good god do the French love a good riot.

The French election was nothing special, so it hardly deserves kudos, but in the face of Global Times, I will say this: take us home, Viktor Lazlo.

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