Editor’s note: remember when we asked you to suggest heckles for Frenchman Nicolas Anelka? Well, the game’s over. This man has won.
By TAR Nation
So… the French. Their language sounds like a bit of old pudding being forced through a keyhole. Their attitude and manners are somewhere between a toaster and mildly mentally-deficient groundhog. And their only useful purpose, as far as I can see, is keeping the Germans away from the Spaniards, who seem really quite nice.
The French are rubbish. I am obliged to say that my hatred of the French is not politically motivated. I rather admire their welfare state, amazing health care and social services as well as their delicious and delicate cuisine, but do they really have to be so fucking French about it?
Even things named after the French are rubbish. French windows should just be renamed “really inconvenient windows that are hard to open and cause air conditioners to fall out.” French kissing is just lazy oral sex on your face. And a French press is a way to make your coffee taste like a sock. Yes, French fries and French toast are awesome, but they were concessions of the Imperial Potato, Cinnamon and Assorted Condiment Wars of the early 19th Century.
They don’t produce any decent cars, their military is a waste of epaulets, their countryside is full of stinking flowers, their dogs shit everywhere in the cities, they riot every time they are short on chocolate bread, and, also, I have it on good authority that they spend every day and night rubbing shampoo into little kittens’ eyes. Oh, and one more thing, the entire country is full of fucking French people. Everywhere. Every. Where.
The French are a bunch of rotten, no good, filthy, hairy, sweaty, Calais-stealing, smelly, ostentatious, cheese-eating, pompous, swamp-dwelling, wine-swilling, conceited, debauched, lecherous, decadent, grubby, putrid, rude, sappy, wicked, scandalous, pretentious, smug gits and ninnyhammers.
Anelka plays in Beijing tonight.
Our contributor is a recovering journalist and part-time alcoholic living in Beijing.