Sometimes Tumblr is pretty amazing. #Politbros, everyone:

Here’s a GIF:

Amazing.

More China-related Tumblrs:

• Baidu Translate Fail (via)
• xi jinping looking at things
• How High Are Xi Jinping’s Pants Today?
• Wuluwu

(H/T Laura Fitch)

How many of these tatted, gangster Chinese leaders can you identify? Five of them seem pretty obvious to me. The others?

Scroll down below for my answers, after I tell you that Redditors are having a fun little caption contest with this, which you should join. (Thanks to Tom Carter for posting the above via Sina Weibo user @毒醉紅塵.)

Also:

By the way, Brazzers is a porn site not blocked in China.

Left to right: Wen Jiabao, Mao Zedong, Li Peng, Deng Xiaoping (middle), Xi Jinping (very front), Jiang Zemin, Hu Yaobang. Two in the very back row are obscured by shadow, but one of them could almost be Barack Obama. Who should they be?

Few will accuse Hu Jintao of being photogenic (note: some have tried), but the above picture takes the cake. By Jason Lee of Reuters, captioned via Yahoo: “An attendant serves tea to China’s President Hu Jintao (L) next to China’s Communist Party Chief Xi Jinping (R) during the opening ceremony of the National People’s Congress (NPC) at the Great Hall of the People in Beijing, March 5, 2013.”

Poor Xi Jinping, who must be wondering if 10 years at the heart of China’s political machine will also turn him into an emotionless husk of a walking dead. We wish Hu Jintao well in his post-political career. There’s still a human being somewhere in there.

Hu Jintao has some new year’s greetings to pass along, please give him your attention. “Ladies, gentlemen, comrades, friends, the sound of New Year’s bells…” zzzZZZzzzz.

Here he is last year delivering the speech:

And the year before:

Hu Jintao, what happened to you?

We — you, me, the world — might see outgoing president Hu Jintao as a wan robot less charismatic than a cardboard box, but there was a time during this man’s life when he was sprightly, good-humored, and jovial. Let this video — of a speech he gave in 1984, in front of colorful balloons — be proof. It was uploaded two months ago to Youku (embedded after the jump for those in China), uncovered on Twitter yesterday.

Ten years old, Hu Jintao took the rostrum as the General Secretary and President of the Communist Party of China. Surely the corrosion of his soul — that personable and simpatico servant of the state – began in the years before his final ascent. We’re not sure when his better alter ego died, like a wild bird clipped and caged, its julienned body served up to factions that grew fat with disinterest in China’s long power game, but let us take a moment to mourn and remember. Hu Jintao deserves it. He was a human being once, like us — you, me, the world.

And let us hope — because he is human too — that Xi Jinping’s soul doesn’t suffer a likewise transformation, prodigal ruination.

Young #HuJintao on video from 1984, a speech full of passion & smile. he’s not always robotic – v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNDQ…

— Offbeat China (@OffbeatChina) November 26, 2012

Hu Jintao too stiff to speak off the cuff?The video in 1984 shows it’s years of politics that has stiffened him.t.cn/zj4H7z8

— Ministry of Tofu 豆腐部 (@ministryoftofu) November 28, 2012

He looks like a man running for office. MT @ministryoftofu: Hu Jintao too stiff to speak off the cuff? t.cn/zj4H7z8

— Carlos Tejada (@CRTejada) November 28, 2012

Hu Jintao like you’ve never seen him before; (1984) v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNDQ…

— Abdulkadir Alkan 哈康 (@ChinAnalyst) November 26, 2012

R.I.P. Leave your well wishes in the comment section.

Note: this image, which may be the best I’ve seen all week, has a side story that deserves its own post. Luckily, Tea Leaf Nation has written that post:

Since its posting on November 23, this simple image has been retweeted over 103,000 times. But perhaps chary of the discussion that would result, censors suspended the threaded comment function on the post. That means that Weibo users do not have an easy way to comment directly on the image or Wang’s assertion, which means no ad hocdiscussion forum can form around this very resonant image.

…It’s ironic that censors would revert to such tactics when faced with an image that could only burnish Chinese leadership in the public’s eyes… At least the image was seen far and wide in the Chinese blogosphere, although for Wen’s and (especially Hu’s) would-be image-makers, it’s too little, too late.

Just so you understand why that pic of Wen Jiabao & Hu Jintao matters: it was retweeted over 100,000 times.

— Emily Tang (@msemilytang) November 27, 2012

We’ve spliced together Hu Jintao, China’s outgoing leader, and Beautiful Agony, a website that…

Beautiful Agony began as an experiment*, to test a theory that eroticism in human imagery lies not in the body, but in the face; that film of a genuine, unscripted, natural orgasm can succeed where the most visceral mainstream pornography fails, and that is, to actually turn us on.

Hu Jintao and Beautiful Agony were made for each other.

Hu Jintao began as an experiment, to test a theory that a robot in human imagery can perform basic tasks that require no facial expression; that it can deliver speeches — scripted of course! — and function according to prewritten programs. Like a human, it can even orgasm, turned on or not.

This picture.

*The “experiment” has been ongoing for several years now, at least. It’s basically soft porn. NSFW, unless you work in one hell of an office.

(H/T Brendan O’Kane)

As China promotes up-and-comers to its approximately 350-member CPC Central Committee, culminating in an announcement (we hope) of the all-powerful nine-member Central Politburo Standing Committee, the place you should be keeping an eye on today is @XHNews, Xinhua’s official Twitter account. Not only will it probably break the news of the new Standing Committee — yes, Traditional Media, eat your hearts out: Xinhua is breaking news via Twitter now — but it’s also currently upchucking, like a cat full of fur, golden chunks of unintentional comedy.

Above, the man of animal magnetism. Xinhua, in master understatement, tells us:

Hu Jintao cast a vote in election for CPC Central Committee, Central Commission for Discipline Inspection.

What are some things Hu Jintao is thinking? Skyfall. Winslow Homer. Jill Kelley. A tear for the ghetto. Whether life has meaning in the shadow of our imminent demise. Why the Kansas City Chiefs are so bad. Please add your contribution in the comments.

[Twitter]

RFH has a theory that the people who organize the National Congress intentionally make it as boring as possible to test the outer limits of what “watchdog” journalists are willing to tolerate before they throw up their hands, a la:

Chinese media, however, is spinning an alternate narrative: Hu Jintao is a charisma monster whose mere presence keeps people on the edge of their seats, eyes glued to the TV, ears pressed against transistor radios. China Daily has proof.

But let’s take a closer look, shall we? Which of China’s provinces watched Hu Jintao’s speech yesterday with more rapt attention?

Not even alt-tabbing over to porn.

They would watch even if a fire burnt down half the city.

Rapt, and he doesn't even have a TV.

Rapt, and he doesn't even remember his own name.

So much more exciting than English Premier League! OK, more exciting than Chinese Super League, anyway.

Look at how dreamy our leader is.

Someone is thinking of the children. That someone is Hu Jintao.

Smiles come naturally when Hu Jintao is on the tele.

Hu Jintao is too charismatic for one TV.

Children look upon their hero and role model, Hu Jintao.

The most excited of China's ethnic minorities.

But the winner, by a veritable landslide…

Thralled.

(H/T Susan Jakes)

Chinese president Hu Jintao was in Hong Kong over the weekend as part of the 15th-year anniversary celebration of Hong Kong’s handover from the UK. Yesterday, he dropped by the Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Center to swear in the somewhat unpopular Leung Chun-ying as new chief executive, but before he could, a demonstrator tried to interrupt his speech with pro-democracy slogans such as, “Vindicate June 4 [referring to those killed near Tiananmen in 1989]” and “End one-party dictatorship, establish a democratic China.” Hu, we imagine, didn’t even blink — because he never does, since he is a robot.

Meanwhile, we’re told “tens of thousands” of Hong Kongers paraded from Victoria Park to city government offices in Admiralty yesterday, as if the CCP cared. Of course, protestors are no longer doing it with any expectation for change (what change could come, exactly?). It’s a spectacle, dating back to 2003, and it’ll be forgotten as soon as the media stops writing about it — which should be, oh, in three days, give or take. Apologies for the reality check.

The above clip is from NOW TV (subtitles by Alicia). I would’ve tried to put it on a Chinese video host, but I know there’s no chance in hell it’ll survive even the laziest censors.

Chinese president Hu Jintao landed in Hong Kong on Friday to take part in a three-day trip to commemorate 15 years since the colony was handed back to China from the UK (today is anniversary day, actually). Watch him make prepared comments to assembled media, above — but only if you’re well rested or caffeinated. I’m falling asleep just replaying the scene in my mind. The worst part about it is: he’s not even saying something important or, for god’s sake, solemn. He’s being a wet sock for the hell of it, I think. Hu Jintao, world’s greatest troll.

I would talk about the protestors, or the fact that not much has changed in Hong Kong in the last 15 years (relative to China, anyway), or the inauguration of Leung Chun-ying, or even how I was in Hong Kong on July 1, 1997, and distinctly recall the crowds adding to the insufferable humidity. I should talk some of those things. Instead, I’m going to take a nap. Blame Hu Jintao, soporific: a robot programmed to put us all into a deep, dreamless sleep, during which we’ll probably be raped by a pack of C3POs. Youku video after the jump for you insomniacs in China.

Here is the perfect example of a Chinese state mouthpiece spinning cock out of bull. Attention: this piece, “President Hu picks up China’s dignity,” published on People’s Daily at 1:05 pm today. Scene: G20 Summit in Los Cabos, Mexico; as leaders walk off after their photo op, Chinese president Hu Jintao bends over to pick up something…

After posing for the family photo, all the leaders walked off the stage stepping on the national flags. Only Chinese President Hu Jintao bent down to pick up the Chinese national flag and carefully conserved it. This little detail was highly praised by netizens, who expressed their respect to the Chinese president.

Nothing in People’s Daily’s write-up is technically false. But what really happened? Why did Hu Jintao alone pick up that flag? Let’s go to the video:

The flag was stuck to his shoe, and that’s why he stopped — just long enough to pick the flag off his shoe, mind you.

Wait, I got that wrong. The flag of the motherland flung herself on her beloved leader’s noble wingtips and the leader was so moved as to carefully extricate her so that she may more comfortably be transported back to her country of origin, near his bosom.

To People’s Daily’s credit, this story did not originate from some patriotic editor at its office. It came from Weibo — specifically, this post by Huaxin News, which has been forwarded 166,600 times as of this moment. According to Offbeat China, at first, “99% of the 200o comments left to this post are shouts of ‘Bravo’ or ‘Love you. Brother Hu.’ Many called it an ‘epic moment’ that is ‘trivia’ but has the power to ‘move the entire nation.’” But after closer examination, netizens pulled an about-face: “Opposite to the overwhelming ‘Bravo’ comments to the earlier post, almost every single post with the image now is flooded with comments from cynical netizens who call Hu’s action a show and the ‘truth’ a slap on the face of those ‘stupid patriots.’”

And here, People’s Daily loses whatever credit I just gave it, because despite the truth, it proceeded with the editorial stating that Hu Jintao loves Chinese flags so much, he couldn’t bear to leave one behind even after all the other leaders did just that.

And because it’s People’s Daily out on the lead with this, I think it’s safe to say we’re going to see several similar editorials appear across state media. Sheep follow sheep, you know. But it’s not slaughter they’re being led to — it’s laughter. Beautiful, mocking laughter.

(H/T TAR Nation)