Xi Jinping, David Cameron, and … Sergio Aguero. What the heck?

China’s president looks like a real human being. David Cameron looks like he has FOMO. Forget “selfie of the year,” which many have proclaimed. This is a Picture of the Year candidate, and it was taken by an Argentine footballer.

The backstory is that Xi Jinping is visiting Manchester as part of his UK tour, where he’ll talk about capital investments and direct flights from Beijing to Manchester. But who cares. Look at this!:

.@aguerosergiokun: “Thank you for the selfie, President Xi” 感谢能与您自拍，习主席！#CFAStateVisit pic.twitter.com/4du2zIaacY

— Manchester City FC (@MCFC) October 23, 2015

Like watching a badger nip on the ankle of an unaware stag. Segways, man. Here’s another look:

Usain Bolt wins the 200m at the World Championships, then gets taken out by a photographer on a Segway… pic.twitter.com/cjMXIFJEMl @NBCDFW

— Pat Doney (@PatDoneyNBC5) August 27, 2015

(H/T Deadspin)

Look, I dislike the IOC as much as the next rational person, and think the Olympics are a form of corporate imperialism, but the facts don’t preclude me from admitting my feelings: the 2008 Olympics in Beijing were a lot of fun, and I’m kinda excited for it to come back. It’ll be in 2022, when most of us will be DEAD, and it’s the Winter Olympics, which Sochi probably ruined for everybody, but, you know, whatever. Beijing is getting the Olympics!

That’s right, after months of (half-hearted) lobbying, Beijing beat Almaty, Kazakhstan in a vote that was announced this evening. It was 44-40, which is really close. The Kazakhs really wanted this! I wonder if they’ll get their bribe money back.

Prepare to see a lot of stories in the coming days about how you have to be a bit authoritarian to get the Olympics (to say nothing of want it), and about how much it’ll cost this country, etc. I’m not going to preemptively discount any of those pieces, because it’s true, the Olympics as a concept is shit, and only worse in practical terms: it can only be, after all, as not-corrupt as its most corrupt member, which means it’s really fucking corrupt. But you know what else is true? Beijing was never better than 2008 when it was under international scrutiny, and we can reasonably hope that it’ll be great again for 2022. Olympics! It’s going to be fun.

POSTSCRIPT:

A goalkeeper makes dozens of decisions over the course of every match, from how to position himself to whether to attack or sit back on incoming crosses, and the slightest miscalculation can sometimes be the difference between a win and something lesser. Never will this point be more obviously illustrated than during Sunday’s Chinese Super League match between Chongqing Lifan and Liaoning Hongyun, when Chongqing goalkeeper Sui Weijie’s crucial decision to take a sip of water cost his team a victory.

In the 84th minute, Chongqing was up 1-0 when it committed a foul just outside its box. While Chongqing’s defenders are pleading their case around the referee, Liaoning’s Ding Haifeng quick starts the free kick, taking everybody by surprise — most of all Chongqing’s goalkeeper, who was sipping from his water bottle when the ball rolled into his unmanned goal.

This is the face of a man who knows he done screwed up and will sleep a lonely sleep:

The funniest part, by far, is the reaction of the Chongqing manager, who can’t even be all that mad at his keeper since it looks like he was caught just as unawares… and equally thirsty:

(Via Fail Goal via Who Ate All the Pies)

Winning come with perks. After leading the Beijing Ducks to their first Chinese Basketball Association championship, Stephon Marbury was honored with a statue. Then he got a book deal. After championship No. 2, he was made an honorary citizen of Beijing. After championship no. 3, in which he was selected MVP, he’s now on a Chinese postage stamp.

On Saturday, the stamps were revealed in a ceremony at the National Museum of China. Marbury was quoted in Xinhua:

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that people will be able to buy a stamp of me to mail packages anywhere in the world,” said Marbury, who plans to give a speech at the National Museum of China in Beijing.

“I am truly humbled. Never did I imagine in all of my 38 years of living that I – a kid who grew up 7,000 miles away from Beijing and a kid who came from the projects of Coney Island – would have a stamp of myself. I can never have dreamed it.”

Xinhua also reports that the Coney Island native has applied for a Chinese green card.

More pictures of the stamps are here.

At this point, I’d be shocked if the Stephon Marbury movie isn’t released in Chinese theaters within five years.

Don’t look now, but a basketball dynasty is blossoming in Beijing, and the only man who was brash enough to dream it — to, indeed, articulate that dream — was the pride of Coney Island, Stephon Marbury.

“I said we wanted to build a dynasty here in Beijing,” Marbury told reporters in the locker room following the Beijing Ducks’ series-clinching Game 6 win over Liaoning, 106-98, on the opponent’s court. “A lot of people said that I was crazy for saying that, but I believed in my teammates, I believed in Coach Min, I believed in the Beijing organization. We’ve done everything in our power to make this work. To be able to be in this light right now, I’m just thankful and I’m just humble.”

(Before that: “The real men will rise. The real men will rise. I just want to thank my God Jesus Christ for giving me the light to do all the things that I’ve been able to do. It’s been beautiful journey in Beijing, baby. They said I was old, they said I can’t play no more, the critics said I can’t do it no more — it’s all good. It’s all good, baby. Can I get my championship shirt, please?”)

Marbury — and I can’t emphasize this enough — was unstoppable all series, as he has been all postseason, as he has been all season, and every season in which he’s played in China. There were no tears this time, just a lot of joy and the relief of ending a season on top. The Ducks have now won three of the last four titles, including the last two.

Marbury again: “I want to say congratulations to Liaoning, those guys played a great season throughout the whole year, they’re a really good team, they’re going to be tough in the future, but the real men rose today, and that’s just all that happened today.”

The 38-year-old (!) guard was selected finals MVP, the first time he’s won the honor. (In the Ducks’ first title win in 2012, a rule prevented foreigners from winning MVP, though everyone knew Marbury deserved it. Last year, his teammate Randolph Morris earned it.) Here he is with his handprint plaque:

Check out the following highlight reel, in which Marbury goes Jordan on everyone. It truly has been a delight to watch:

(Images via Sina, Sohu)

Wang Dalei shouldn’t be too hard on himself for letting this ball go through, because… holy shit, Tim Cahill!

Logically speaking, all things considered, China has no reason to lament this result in what was its most meaningful soccer game in a long time. But they’ll probably look back and realize what a real opportunity they had to steal one. In the first half, China controlled more than 77 percent of possession, featuring an outstanding scoring chance in the 20th minute following a nifty build-up.

But Australia had its moments, too, and probably would have put one in if not for the brilliance of Wang Dalei in goal. One got the sense, watching, that it would require a flash of brilliance to break the deadlock.

And then… Cahill. The 35-year-old’s 49th-minute bicycle-kick goal gave Australia its first goal. He would add another, a header, in the 65th minute to give the Socceroos their final 2-0 margin.

Some game highlights:

Some day, when historians write the story of the rise of Chinese Football — the team’s long path from national laughingstock to World Cup champion — they’ll point to this year’s Asian Cup as the turning point. More specifically, they’ll cite tonight’s game (7:30 pm* China time, 9:30 Queensland), during which a scrappy and young squad caught magic and upset the tourney hosts in a sold-out and raucous Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane.

Or China could lose 4-0 and we’ll forget them until the next ignominious flameout in World Cup qualifying. Either way, tonight’s game — one of the most anticipated international fixtures this country’s seen in a while – should be great! It could, in fact, be the most-watched game in Socceroos history.

For those who haven’t followed, China entered this year’s Asian Cup as basically an afterthought — it barely qualified, in fact — with the following quote, from China Sports Insider’s Mark Dreyer, being the most interesting thing anything could say about the team at this tournament:

Ha! “Expect global headlines about a literal Group of Death” http://t.co/lRphxujjBy (Asian Cup group: China, Uzbekistan, Saudi Arabia, DPRK)

— Anthony Tao (@anthonytao) March 27, 2014

Three group games later, China has the maximum 9 points possible and find themselves in the quarterfinals against the host nation, Australia. This is the first time China’s advanced beyond the group stage of the Asian Cup in 11 years, and as I told the Australian, Chinese fans have noticed:

I think it’s too early to say that Chinese fans are fully ready to embrace the national team, which has been a target of mockery, but it looks like the Chinese in Australia are warming up to them.

That could be an understatement. I was watching the Uzbekistan match in Beijing and the atmosphere looked incredible. It’ll be interesting to see whether the support carries over to China’s matches after this tournament concludes, but I tend to think it will. Fans gravitate to teams that play as hard as this current squad does.

A quick recap: in the opening game against Saudi Arabia, a 12-year-old boy helped goalkeeper Wang Dalei — who looks like a genuine star in the making — save a penalty kick…

…and then a fortuitous bounce resulted in a Chinese goal:

Talk about the smile of fortune. When the 1-0 score held up until the final whistle, China found itself atop a group that was suddenly looking very winnable.

Win it they did when they defeated Uzbekistan in the next game: a come-from-behind victory featuring two highlight-reel goals that have been replayed thousands of times on CCTV in the past week and a half:

The final game against North Korea was just icing. While Australia struggled and strained against South Korea in its final group match — losing 1-0 — China went through the motions, having already clinched first place. A 2-1 win certainly helps in terms of momentum.

Let us remember: China beat Australia 4-3 in 2013 at the East Asian Cup, finishing second out of four teams. Can they do it again?

Maybe that’s irrelevant. More valuable than any win is the hope that Chinese soccer has finally given its fans — real hope that the program is headed the right direction. So sit back and enjoy tonight’s match, soccer fans, because this is your reward from the sporting gods: a Chinese football game that matters.

(Image via Reuters)

* UPDATE: Well this was weird: Google and my Australian friends assure me Brisbane is two hours ahead of Beijing, and the AFC website clearly says the game begins at 9:30 pm Brisbane time, but… the game actually began an hour earlier. Who can you trust these days?

Yeah, I don’t think that’s how it’s done.

Previously, from 2013: The CBA All-Star Weekend Wasn’t Terrible, But This Dunk Contest Was (Terribly Funny)

(Via Deadspin)

Li Na officially announced her retirement from professional tennis at 11 am today on her Sina Weibo account. The 32-year-old two-time Grand Slam champion cited knee injuries as the reason.

She doesn’t appear to want to completely leave the sport, though. In her own words:

That I had this very rare opportunity to represent China on the tennis courts, for me there is no higher honor. Through this opportunity I hope to have attracted more people to pay attention to China and Asian tennis. This will also be my life mission going forward.

Li Na became the first Chinese player to win a Grand Slam when she captured the French Open title in 2011. She added a second major championship this January when she won the Australian Open, delighting the Melbourne crowd in the process.

She’ll be okay in her future endeavors, whatever they may be. As the New York Times notes: “In a Forbes listing of the highest-paid athletes this year, Li’s annual earnings of $23.6 million put her second among female athletes.”

The WTA will hold a press conference his Saturday in Beijing and on September 23 in Li’s native Wuhan. An official WTA retirement ceremony is planned for Monday, September 29 in Beijing.

Also see: NY Times Magazine’s profile of her, “Li Na, China’s Tennis Rebel.”

Time to meet the official Nanjing 2014 Youth Olympics mascot – Nanjing LeLe, the meaty-tongued phallus.

According to the organizers of this August event, one of his favorite foods is duck blood and vermicelli soup, he’s a Sagittarius with Type O blood, and his least favorite thing to do is “play alone.”

From the Youth Olympic’s Website:

The mascot of Nanjing 2014 “NANJINGLELE” derives from a prestigious specialty of the host city, known as the “riverstone.” The graphic design of the mascot takes an imitation of the typical shape and appearance of this stone but in a creative and artistic way in purpose of catering to the youth’s taste, and meanwhile, highlights the colors from the emblem’s palette to achieve good congruity with the other brand elements.

Leaves me to wonder how foul China’s rivers have to be to birth four-limbed, tie-dyed stones. And If this does seriously cater to the “youth’s tastes,” I’d say our future is pretty seriously fucked.

Look:

God save us all. This is why background checks on firearms should be mandatory. Who in their right mind would give a shotgun to this speed freak? Just look at those electric eyes and that meth mouth, not a single tooth saved from rot. My guess is he’s looking to crank up some Skynyrd and beat down the stepkids. This is one scary sausage.

And here he (it?) is with his trusted steed and six-shooter, off to the Kashgar Corral. I’m your Huckleberry:

B&E Lele. Fu’erdai, check your Ferraris. He’s up to nefarious shit with this crowbar:

Swiiiiiiish:

On his Special Schwinn:

His Heisman trophy better be sequined:

Nanjing is the host city of the International Olympic Committee’s Second Summer Youth Olympic Games, August 16-28. The slogan is “Share the Games, Share our Dreams, Share the LSD.”

We’re not sure whether Liu Yuxi is a certified reporter, but she’s been assigned to CCTV studio commentary for this year’s World Cup, and judging by her Sina Weibo account, she appears to be a huge homer for front-runners and generally popular teams such as Portugal, Brazil, and Argentina (Messi, specifically). But Ms. Liu saves her true passion for Italy, which we know because — donning the Azzurri blue — she broke down and sobbed on live television tonight following Italy’s 1-0 loss to Uruguay.

Italy is out of the World Cup while Luis Suarez’s team advances. Yeah, yeah, it hardly seems fair. Still, sports journalism has surely seen better moments:

Unlike English football fans, we take no particular joy in watching the suffering of others. We’re just shocked that Liu’s sports-watching heart hasn’t already been hardened to the cycle of hope and heartbreak that is sports in general and soccer in particular.

The worst part about the above segment, by the way, was her male colleague attributing her emotional outburst to being a “female.” I don’t have the exact quote at this moment, but he said something along the lines of, “That’s the female disposition for you.”

Hopefully we can update with video when it becomes available.

UPDATE, 12:43 pm: Video is below. That music, by the way, was not added by some cheeky uploader; CCTV cued it up mere minutes after the game ended. It featured lots of violins.

We should point out that the Chinese — and much of Asia, actually — have a long history of rooting for Italy, likely attributed to how well many Serie A club teams have marketed themselves in this market.

And eight years ago, we saw a similar incident of a Chinese journalist openly rooting for Italy in the World Cup. Here’s Jeremy Goldkorn writing in Danwei in 2006:

During last night’s live broadcast of the Italy – Australia football World Cup game, CCTV’s announcer Huang Jianxiang (黄健翔) got rather excited, and took sides with the Italians, saying things like “Don’t give the Australians any chances!” and after Italy won, “Long live Italy!”

There’s a video of that, too.

Today Chinese blogs are castigating Huang, accusing him of gravely insulting Australia and being a disgrace to Chinese football fans.

We wonder if fans will be more forgiving to Liu Yuxi because, you know, of the female disposition and all.

I’m not saying green Hulk doesn’t resemble Pele, but did no one at the Global Times consider Brazil has a current player who’s actually named Hulk and looks like this?

If you haven’t been watching the World Cup, you’re missing out on the most exciting tournament since — maybe ever? Here’s a handy viewing guide for you China folks.

(Global Times, h/t Tom Phillips)

China won’t be playing in Brazil – they have appeared at a World Cup just once and failed to score a goal – but millions will stay up late to watch the games, probably starting this Friday at 4 am when Croatia kicks off against the host nation in São Paulo. Here are 10 things in this year’s World Cup with a Chinese connection.

The Balls

As with many, many other things, the official World Cup match balls — the Brazuca — have been made in China. Or at least some of them. Adidas contracted its long-time partner and supplier, Guangdong-based Longway, to make the ball after engineers and developers from both companies developed the Brazuca (notable for its thermal bonding, we’re told). But there was one problem: Longway couldn’t cope with the unexpected demand, and Pakistan’s Forward Sports was drafted in to share some of the load. 

The Fans

Shankai Sports, FIFA’s official VIP package supplier for China, says it has sold about 1,500 packages for wealthy Chinese fans traveling to Brazil, more than twice the number it sold four years ago. In addition, there will be thousands of others making the trip from China on their own.

Tencent and… Mo Yan?

Yup, that’s right, the Chinese Nobel Prize Winner That China Recognizes. Tencent, which has previously hired soccer stars Lionel Messi and Neymar to promote its WeChat app, has sent 33 staffers from China to Brazil to cover the tournament, in addition to the people it already has on the ground. But writer Mo Yan will also be watching the final in some sort of Tencent capacity. No one is really sure if he’s even a soccer fan, but we’ll find out soon enough.

Xi Jinping

Talking of the final, Chinese President Xi Jinping has been invited by his Brazilian counterpart, Dilma Rousseff, to watch the final on July 13. The big man is known to be a big footy fan and just so happens to have a BRICS summit in Brazil on July 15. It would be great if he wore a Chinese national team shirt to the game, but don’t hold your breath.

Panda Power

Paul the Octopus had an 85% success rate predicting the outcome of games at Euro 2008 and the 2010 World Cup, but he’s dead now. Mani the Parakeet tried to assume the mantle but only got it right 71% of the time. Enter China’s Panda Predictors. Last time we checked, the China Giant Panda Protection and Research Center was still deciding whether its baby pandas would be asked to choose foods with national flags or climb trees with national flags. Either way, it’s sure to make for gripping television.

Sick Notes

Speaking of TV, the time difference in Brazil means that the majority of games will kick off at midnight, 3 am and 6 am in China. It’s a brutal schedule suitable only for the most hardened insomniacs or work-shy students. As a result, online scammers are selling fake sick notes for specified future dates to coincide with probable World Cup hangovers. They’re selling for as much as 300 yuan (close to $50), which, judging by the abundance of quality forgers in China, seems to be a little steep.

The Sponsors

Budweiser, Castrol, Johnson & Johnson, McDonald’s… and Yingli. That’s right, the Chinese solar company is an official World Cup “Sponsor” (one level below “Partner” and one level above “National Supporter”). It was surprising when Yingli signed on for the 2010 World Cup, but even more eyebrows were raised when it re-upped for 2014. Estimated cost? Up to $30 million. By the way, when you see Harbin claim to be an official World Cup beer, it’s legit — its owner, Budweiser, is allowed to designate brands to represent it in certain territories.

Lottery Boost

Match-fixing is banned and (hopefully) now out of the Chinese game, while gambling is confined to Macau, but lottery companies are preparing for a World Cup windfall. Sports lottery sales doubled during the 2010 World Cup to 4 billion yuan ($640 million). and US-listed 500.com said online lottery sales in China are expected to jump by at least 70% this year, from 42 billion yuan ($6.7 billion) in 2013, due in part to the World Cup. One small problem: no official licenses have yet been issued.

Chinese Representation

Ireland played in the 1994 World Cup with a team at least half of whom were patently not Irish, so perhaps China has some defectors in the ranks of other teams, as they do in table tennis? Sadly not, but there are six players from the Chinese domestic leagues who will be in Brazil with their national team squads: three Koreans — Park Jong-woo (Guangzhou R&F), Ha Dae-sung (Beijing Guoan), Kim Young-gwon (Guangzhou Evergrande) — as well as Australian Ryan McGowan (Shandong Luneng), Honduran Osman Chavez (Qingdao Jonoon), and Bosnia & Herzegovina’s Zvjezdan Misimovic (Guizhou Renhe). We wish them well.

Online Boost

Finally, the World Cup mode of computer game FIFA Online 3 hasn’t quite stayed true to form in China. That’s because China publisher Tencent begged developer EA Sports not to make the Chinese players too crappy. Zheng Zhi, for example, was given an average of a five-percentage point boost across the board in various skill categories, while striker Gao Lin was another who got some help behind the scenes. The jokes write themselves.

Mark blogs at China Sports Insider. Follow him on Twitter @DreyerChina. His last piece for us was a preview of the Sochi Olympics.

SCHEDULE (all times China; the first letter represents the group)

Friday, June 13:

A: Brazil vs. Croatia, 4 am

June 14:

A: Mexico vs. Cameroon, midnight
B: Spain vs. Netherlands, 3 am
B: Chile vs. Australia, 6 am

June 15:

C: Colombia vs. Greece, midnight
D: Uruguay vs. Costa Rica, 3 am
D: England vs. Italy, 6 am
C: Ivory Coast vs. Japan, 9 am

June 16:

E: Switzerland vs. Ecuador, midnight
E: France vs. Honduras, 3 am
F: Argentina vs. Bosnia-Herzegovina, 6 am

June 17:

G: Germany vs. Portugal, midnight
F: Iran vs. Nigeria, 3 am
G: Ghana vs. United States, 6 am

June 18:

H: Belgium vs. Algeria, midnight
A: Brazil vs. Mexico, 3 am
H: Russia vs. South Korea, 6 am

June 19:

B: Australia vs. Netherlands, midnight
B: Spain vs. Chile, 3 am
A: Cameroon vs. Croatia, 6 am

June 20:

C: Colombia vs. Ivory Coast, midnight
D: Uruguay vs. England, 3 am
C: Japan vs. Greece, 6 am

June 21:

D: Italy vs. Costa Rica, midnight
E: Switzerland vs. France, 3 am
E: Honduras vs. Ecuador, 6 am

June 22:

F: Argentina vs. Iran, midnight
G: Germany vs. Ghana, 3 am
F: Nigeria vs. Bosnia-Herzegovina, 6 am

June 23:

H: Belgium vs. Russia, midnight
H: South Korea vs. Algeria, 3 am
G: USA vs. Portugal, 6 am

June 24:

B: Netherlands vs. Chile, midnight
B: Australia vs. Spain, midnight
A: Croatia vs. Mexico, 4 am
A: Cameroon vs. Brazil, 4 am

June 25:

D: Costa Rica vs. England, midnight
D: Italy vs. Uruguay, midnight
C: Japan vs. Colombia, 4 am
C: Greece vs. Ivory Coast, 4 am

June 26:

F: Bosnia-Herzegovina vs. Iran, midnight
F: Nigeria vs. Argentina, midnight
E: Ecuador vs. France, 4 am
E: Honduras vs. Switzerland, 4 am

June 27:

G: Portugal vs. Ghana, midnight
G: United States vs. Germany, midnight
H: South Korea vs. Belgium, 4 am
H: Algeria vs. Russia, 4 am

June 29:

A1 vs. B2, midnight
C1 vs. D2, 4 am

June 30:

B1 vs. A2, midnight
D1 vs. C2, 4 am

July 1:

E1 vs. F2, midnight
G1 vs. H2, 4 am

July 2:

F1 vs. E2, midnight
H1 vs. G2, 4 am

July 5:

Quarterfinal 1, midnight
Quarterfinal 2, 4 am

July 6:

Quarterfinal 3, midnight
Quarterfinal 4: 4 am

July 9:

Semifinal 1, 4 am

July 10:

Semifinal 2, 4 am

July 13:

Third-place game, 4 am

July 14:

Final, 3 am

Either Tim Duncan’s got his game face on or he’s been flash-frozen inside a TV graphic and desperately needs your help.

The Spurs are up 1-0 in their best-of-seven series against the Heat. CCTV-5 will continue to carry every game of the series; the next one is Monday morning at 8 am China time.

No, Game 2 is not tape delayed; the NBA really has put two full rest days between the first and second games.