For the proud nationalists of China, Japan and Taiwan, the Diaoyu island chain remains the perfect outlet to exercise one’s willfully blind patriotism. Which is — fortunately for the rest of us — shouting distance from stupidity. Hilarious, utter stupidity.

Intending to circumvent the Japanese patrol boat cordon which has prevented other nationalists from reaching shore, Xu Shuaijun from Hebei province flew a hot air balloon from the mainland to the disputed island chain on Wednesday. Setting off from Fujian province, Xu, an accomplished balloonist, handled with ease the newly overlapping Air Defence Identification Zones and got to within about 20 kilometers of the uninhabited islands before crashing into the sea after suffering a mechanical fault.

After receiving a distress signal, a Japanese Coast Guard vessel picked up Xu before transferring him to a Chinese patrol boat. While it might seem a foolhardy pursuit to travel hundreds of kilometers to an isolated chain of rocks in a vehicle not made of steel, given the heavy presence of patrol vessels in the area, it seems safe enough. Like climbing Mount Everest if a Chinese super mall were perched on the summit and every sherpa had gone through med school.

Chinese foreign ministry spokesman Qin Gang, in a briefing, did not mention the Japanese’s role in the rescue, according to Global Times.

This is great entertainment. Outside of the bland ultimatums, pronouncements and saber-rattling of the politicians involved, everyday civilians are making a fantastic contribution to keeping the tinder dry in this very surreal dispute. A dispute over territory, when that territory is uninhabited, isolated, and surrounded by water, portends that the ideal location for the picket line – usually a brick’s throw from the front of an embassy – is the goddamn territory itself! Attempts to reach this idyllic picket have morphed into a farcical competition that resembles a university scavenger hunt; ah, if only Kashmir was this fun.

How can the Japanese top a balloon? Nothing short of the launch of paragliders in Flying V formation will suffice; anyway, the Chinese owe them a rescue.

Lincoln Daw is a freelance writer and stand-up comedian in Melbourne. Follow him @linkydaw.

It’s 2.6 GB, but if you have the disk space and five hours to spare, go here to download Glorious Mission Online, a first-person shooter you’ll be hearing a lot more about in the coming hours and days.

Glorious Mission is the People’s Liberation Army’s military simulation, developed by the Chinese company Giant Interactive Group. A few years ago, it was used as a training and leisure program for real, actual Chinese soldiers. Now, it’s a free, downloadable game that lets players try their hand at defending the Diaoyu Islands.

The game was released on Thursday, on the anniversary of the founding of the PLA.

Reports Reuters:

The PLA was interested in having a 3D interactive game for simulations with virtual replicas of their weapons, said Richard Chiang, a spokesman for Giant Interactive.

“The military was 100 percent behind this game,” he said. “Rather than playing the same foreign games like Call of Duty and being American Marines shooting Russians or whatnot, Chinese can actually play as Chinese soldiers.”

A term you’ll hear throughout the game is guizi, referring to the “Japanese devils” who occupied China during World War II.

“The guizi are coming!” warns the game in a scenario where players are tasked with defending a World War Two-era Shanghai and its cultural artefacts from Japanese invaders.

“The guizi have been obliterated!” Glorious Mission congratulates the player after a grenade explodes under the last enemy’s feet. Shanghai’s museums are saved.

Yes, save the museums. Save the motherland. Capture those rocks in the East China Sea.

If you get tired of Glorious Mission (and why would you get tired of it?), we recommend Defense of the Diaoyu Islands. It’s not really the same kind of game, but when the objective is to kill Japanese, what does it matter?

UPDATE, 8/6, 12:32 am: Caveat emptor. As sent along by reader Joel M:

We thank and curse Kotaku for alerting us to the game “Defense of the Diaoyu Islands,” hosted on Chinese Global Times’s website, wherein a player takes control of a Chinese warship that must kill as many Japanese enemies as possible before inevitable failure.

It’s interesting, but what a time suck.

“Defence of the Diaoyu Islands takes after pretty much every single screen scrolling shooter from Raiden to Ikaruga,” explains Eric Jou. “Basically the player takes control of a Chinese ‘Diaoyu Island’ patrol ship for the purpose of defending the Diaoyu Island!”

Or as one Reddit commenter put it, “All this taught me is that the Japanese Navy is fucking badass.”

Two keys for getting a high score:

1. Level up on weapons, preferably the laser.

2. Hitting space bar will destroy all enemies on screen.

30,900 is my high score. Reddit’s platypusmusic has 50,000. And yours?

So, it seems that some people have yet to fully understand why racism is a bad thing. With tensions in the South China Sea remaining high, we’re still being treated to bizarre examples of unhealthy nationalism.

The latest can be found here in Beijing: the proprietors of a snack shop in Houhai called Beijing Snacks [百年卤者] have put up a notice refusing customers from countries engaged in maritime disputes with China. 

The bilingual sign above, via Rose Tang, reads: “本店不接待日本人菲律宾人越南人和狗 — This shop does not receive the Japanese, the Philippines, the Vietnamese, and dog.”

This kind of sign would result in a hefty fine in most places and instant removal, but here, it’s more likely that a restaurant gets in trouble for “hurting the feelings of Chinese people” by referring to sensitive history. About a year ago, a restaurant in Shanghai was fined 47,500 yuan for mentioning the “French Concession” in an ad. Love for country in the form of overt discrimination? No problem!

(H/T @badcanto and Rose Tang)

UPDATE, 2/28, 12:44 am: Apparently the Philippine government is aware of this sign. Via ABS-CBNnews:

Meantime, the Philippine government on Wednesday said it is treating as an isolated incident a Beijing restaurant’s refusal to serve Filipinos and other customers from countries locked in maritime territorial disputes with China.

In a press conference, Foreign Affairs Spokesman Raul Hernandez said the Philippine government is aware of the photos posted on social networking sites of the restaurant in Beijing.

Asked about the controversy, Hernandez said: “We think the notice that was posted on that shop in Beijing is a private view about the whole situation that is happening between the Philippines and China.”

“We hope it is not state policy not to allow Filipinos in restaurants in Beijing,” he added.

Meanwhile:

A report by Radio Free Asia earlier quoted the Beijing restaurant’s owner as saying that he put up the sign out of patriotism. “Chinese customers support me,” the owner, identified as Wang, told BBC News.

UPDATE, 3/2, 3:45 pm: The owner reportedly removed the sign on Thursday, but remains defiant about it.

Controversy swirls again in the East China Sea as a Chinese naval captain locked his attack radar on a Japanese vessel, says Japanese Defense Minister Itsunori Onodera.

Japan’s Defense Ministry made the announcement Tuesday, claiming such “painting” happened on January 30 and January 19. Onodera “warned that such actions increased the chances that any missteps in a dispute over the islands could veer into a larger confrontation,” according to the New York Times.

Would anyone be surprised to learn this occurred near the Diaoyu Islands?

The Chinese incursions are seen by Japanese political leaders and analysts as part of a new strategy to press Japan into officially acknowledging that a territorial dispute exists. They also say that by maintaining a nearly constant presence, China hopes to undermine Japan’s claims to be in sole control of the islands.

According to AOL Defense, the move was bullying, plain and simple.

“Pure intimidation” is how one of America’s most respected analysts of the Chinese military characterized the act of a Peoples Liberation Army Navy skipper who “painted” a Japanese naval ship with his fire control radar.

…Another top analyst, Dean Cheng at the Heritage Foundation, noted that the captain was unlikely to have taken the action on his own. “Something like this would have required the ship’s captain and political officer to agree, in all likelihood,” he writes.

Cheng compared the Chinese action (revealed yesterday by Defense Minister Itsunori Onodera) to buzzing another country’s fighter or bomber. It offers “Plausible deniability, no fingerprints (e.g., a bullet hole in a plane), but is also escalatory,” Cheng said in an email.

No one likes to see it, and no one respects it. Then again, when you’re fighting over rocks, is there any expectation for more than bush league tactics, urine-like water-cannon fire?

UPDATE, 2/8, 12:51 pm: China says it’s investigating. Via Reuters:

China’s Foreign Ministry said on Thursday the government was investigating a complaint from Japan that a Chinese navy vessel aimed a type of radar normally used to aim weapons at a target at a Japanese navy ship in the East China Sea.

“The relevant Chinese departments are currently conducting an earnest, solemn investigation into these reports to verify them,” ministry spokeswoman Hua Chunying told a daily news briefing.

Japan scrambled F-15s to intercept a Chinese plane headed for the disputed island on Saturday, according to press releases from Japan’s foreign ministry over the weekend. The Y-12 propeller plane, operated by China’s State Oceanic Administration, came within 112 nautical miles of the island before turning back east and finally departing the area to the north.

It was the second time within a month that Japan has dispatched fighters to meet approaching Chinese planes. On December 13, Japan sent eight F-15s after its Coast Guard spotted a Chinese marine surveillance plane in the area.

At that time Japan’s foreign ministry called that flight “a dangerous act that escalates the situation.” This time, new Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, whose return to power last month worried some Sino-Japanese watchers, vowed to defend what he calls “Japan’s territorial waters,” according to Bloomberg.

Needless to say, China disagrees with this sentiment and sees the air patrols not as provocative, but a routine procedure vital to protecting Chinese sovereignty. And China doesn’t particularly appreciate Japan scrambling jets, which technically encroach into China’s territorial waters.

China vows to continue regular flights over the islands to make sure Japan doesn’t get any ideas. “The recent patrols are sending messages that the Japanese should face up to reality,” Wang Xingsheng, professor of Japanese studies at Peking University, said last month, as quoted in China Daily.

With neither side backing down, expect more agitation over the strategic islands, said to be rich in oil, gas and fisheries. And rock.

Japan Alerts Jets After China Plane Nears Isles, Yomiuri Says (Bloomberg)

Lingering effects from September’s Diaoyu Islands row have caused organizers of the November 25 Beijing Marathon to take the unprecedented step of barring Japanese competitors. Not explicitly, of course — rather, “Japanese” isn’t listed in the nationality section of the online registration page. If you’re from Japan, you can run, technically, just not as a representative of your home country.

“If they choose other nationalities including China, Japanese can take part,” AFP quotes Japanese newspaper Asahi Shimbun quoting a source from the marathon’s organizing committee as saying.

The committee made the decision by taking into consideration the safety of athletes, the daily said in a report from Beijing.

If the decision was indeed made for safety reasons, we should almost applaud it. After all, why risk losing face over this race? Spectators might gather along the path, and might spew invective, and that might cause things to get out of hand.

Then again, I haven’t encountered anything — in the news or on the streets — that would suggest that there’s still a problem. I understand that nationalistic feelings will always simmer under the surface, and sovereignty disputes could surface anytime the Japanese or Chinese government decide it, but the irrational anger that swept across the country in September has largely dissipated, the crazies stuffed back into their woodwork.

So it’s all pretty silly, isn’t it? Could there be another reason?

Money, perhaps? AFP notes:

Japanese companies such as Canon had sponsored the annual event until last year but they are not sponsoring it this year.

Who knows. But if, for some unholy reason, people are still stirred up about those damn Diaoyu rocks at the end of this month, we’ll know the problem runs a bit deeper than an annual race.

UPDATE, 6:39 pm: Organizers have reversed their decision, and Japanese runners are now officially welcome! AFP again:

But officials have now updated their website to include “Japan” in the list of applicants’ nationalities, after the Japanese Embassy in Beijing lodged a protest, the leading Yomiuri Shimbun daily and Jiji Press said.

But Japan Running News tells us, with a screenshot, that Japan is listed out of alphabetical order, after Jordan. Face-palm. Again.

In interviews with Chinese media the event’s assistant race director said, “The Beijing Marathon has consistently welcomed entrants of all nationalities.  We have not blocked Japanese citizens from entering.”

Post-update note (a.m., Nov. 11): The online race entry system now includes Japan on the list of nationalities, but out of alphabetical order after Jordan.  See screen shot below.  Compared with the screen shots taken on Nov. 10 it is clear that the Beijing Marathon assistant race director’s comments do not reflect reality.

Japan Running News also says that “it seems as though this should be sufficient grounds for the Beijing Marathon’s loss of its IAAF Gold Label.”

(H/T Alicia; image via SCMP)

Huangpu Renewable Resources CEO Chen Guangbiao held an extraordinary promotional activity yesterday: he gave away 43 cars, each reportedly worth 128,000 yuan (that’s 5.5 million yuan total, or $830,000), to former owners of Japanese cars that got destroyed during last month’s Diaoyu Island protests. All people had to do to qualify for their free Geely — which is Chinese made, of course — was follow Chen on Sina Weibo, and the lucky winners were told to converge at Huangpu’s courtyard yesterday.

Apparently.

For you see, something extremely fishy was going on, as pointed out by the reporter in the above newscast (on Ku6 for those in China after the jump, doing real journalism!). His news team noticed some tall women in heels in the crowd, looking very much like models. When they tried to interview them, they were no-commented. There was also this:

The first man that’s interviewed says he’s from Jinan, Shandong, and used to drive a Honda. When asked if he’s gotten his new car, he says he arrived late and doesn’t know the procedure. Huh?

Then, the first of the tall women, looking giggly and uncomfortable, says she doesn’t want to talk about it. (Why not, aren’t you getting a free car?) “Ask them,” she says, pointing away, giggly and uncomfortable.

Another woman says, “I’m with him,” referring to who knows whom.

Another woman, asked, “What car did you used to drive,” looks away and replies, “No, I’m with them, can you stop grilling me?”

“You’re one household?” asks the reporter.

She turns away, exasperated. The camera pans to the man next to him.

“You’re the same household?” the reporter asks again.

“Yes.”

“Huh?”

“Yes,” the man says again, the worst liar in the world.

The reporter then points out that the entire setup has turned into a promotion for Chen, with banners that boast new products and developments.

“We can say this activity’s commercial aspect is very thick,” the reporter says to end the segment.

You don’t say:

According to this Beijing News article, “Some netizens expressed their support, but more than a few netizens said this was ‘another example of a dude using a social event to create hype.’ Yesterday, some netizens said Chen Guangbiao was seizing the opportunity to show off.”

But maybe some lucky people did get cars after all. And those who didn’t look so happy may have had their own reasons for discontent. After all, who’d want to trade in a Honda for a fucking Geely?

Another video from the scene. The guy’s got some pipes:

Back on August 24, weeks before people would double down on Diaoyu Islands senselessness, four protesters took to the streets in Shenzhen to urge “civilized patriotism, rational Japanese resistance.” Three of them wore swimwear — bikinis for the two girls, briefs for the man — and attracted attention as much for their message as their appearance. We posted about it here, with a video.

It was only a matter of time before the image of those scantily clad rabble-rousers got printed on a sign by protesters seeking to one-up them. Ahem, of course. Take note of the above, posted on TTMop on Saturday (more than 66,000 views so far), also from Shenzhen. The three men are naked save for sunglasses and medical masks; they hold pots over their private parts with the character ding – upvote (emphasis on up, surely). They… well, I don’t know. They’re there. That’s half the battle, as the saying goes. The Diaoyu Islands will return to China in no time.

(H/T Alicia)

The man who brutally attacked and nearly killed a 51-year-old driver of a Toyota Corolla on September 15 amid Diaoyu Island protests has been arrested, as announced on Sina Weibo (above, via Business insider; CCed on that message is “Xi’an Police Department”). Shanghaiist relays:

Press release: Xi’an 9-15 protest Japanese car owner Li Jianli injury case solved, suspect Cai arrested, case under review.

Suspect Cai, looking as much the asshole as ever, should start his penitence by paying all of the victim’s hospital bills, of which there should be plenty. Let the public shaming commence.

While Japanese and Taiwanese ships continue playing with their super soakers in the South Pacific, netizens have commented that the Taiwanese ships don’t shoot very straight or with force. Indeed, in the video above, you’ll see that it does look like they’re just pissing — which completely makes sense, since Japan and China are just having a pissing contest at this point.

Meanwhile, Time Magazine blares in its headline, “History Threatens Repeat in Renewed Pacific War.” Renewed Pacific war?

The good news is that there won’t be a new war in Asia. The bad news is that the old one never really ended. And with Japanese and foreign patrol boats firing water cannons at each other this week…

Yes, war — bring out the water balloons!

…it may not be long before the real shooting resumes.

Real shooting???

“The dispute over the Senkaku Islands is a direct legacy of the Pacific War. For many people, particularly in China, that war is still going on,” says Liu Jie, professor of history and international relations at Tokyo’s Waseda University.

That’s overstating it, obviously. There has always been anti-Japanese sentiment ever since Japan marched into Manchuria and landed in south China, terrorized the populace, killing about 10 million Chinese, many of them civilians, and many under horrific circumstances.

But renewed war? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. For one thing, the Taiwan ships aren’t even equipped with real water cannons. As the newscaster tells us, “A coast guard employee said helplessly, The water is used for cleaning naval vessels, not for waging ‘water wars.’”

Time to invest in a Banzai Aqua Tech Transmorpher!

(Wait, what’s that? “Banzai” is Japanese? Well fuck.)

On September 15 in Xi’an, Shanxi province, an anti-Japanese protest got so out of hand that a Chinese man was partially paralyzed when someone clobbered him over the head with a piece of steel. Fifty-one-year-old Li Jianli’s only crime? Driving a Toyota Corolla with his family. His wife futilely pleaded with the mob, “It was wrong of us to buy a Japanese car. We won’t buy one ever again, OK?”

We knew it was only a matter of time that a video would surface of the attack, and behold, it’s above. Warning: the violence is graphic, a near-front-row view of a crazed man striking Li multiple times with a U-shaped bike lock. While the wife hysterically tends to her unconscious husband who’s bleeding from the head, we hear the sound of thwacking, probably from people who failed to recognize the gravity of the situation and continued pounding the Corolla. One man in the crowd angrily shouts, “Can we first save this guy?” He speaks with a pretty heavy accent, but Shanghaiist’s Kenneth Tan — who first posted this video — translates his next phrase as, “We are all Chinese, have you started to take him for a Japanese?”

Of course we would never wish for someone’s physical injury, even in the name of justice. But we don’t have to care what happens to this guy if — when — he’s found. Pictures of him after the jump. Youku has, unsurprisingly, censored the above video. Update: It’s on ifeng though, embedded after the jump. UPDATE 2, 9/27, 3:36 pm: OK, it’s no longer on ifeng, but there’s a Youku newscast clip.

The Chinese Basketball Association doesn’t take the FIBA Asia Cup very seriously, as a glance at this year’s roster will show: every player under 22 years of age, playing against several countries’ senior-level teams. But what happens when your team gets paired against Japan in the knockout round amid nationalistic protests back home against this very country?

As Jon Pastuszek of NiuBBall pointed out last week upon learning that China would be facing Japan in the quarterfinals of the FIBA Asia Cup, held in Japan: “Do we really need this right now?”

The game, played last Thursday, was itself uneventful, but China’s 60-50 loss has — shall we say — miffed some basketball fans over here. Some netizen comments, as translated by Pastuszek:

新浪江西南昌3kfeng: At this time, you can lose to whoever, but you can’t lose to Japan. If I was a player on the court from that game, I would retire from the game of basketball. It’s really too… I really don’t know how to express this. My goodness. If you lose,  hit a random Japanese person, I’ll support you. *Sigh…*

新浪广东中山霸龙: Dammit! TMD ["fuck"] who is the coach? Die in Japan and don’t come back!

新浪江苏无锡借锋御剑: Die in Japan, don’t come back, a bunch of disgraces!

新浪上海嘉定尐輝輝Shine: An unexpected loss to little Japan, you group of retards. Don’t you understand that this is a critical moment? You’re soft on the basketball court, then you’ll be a pussy in deciding the Diaoyu Islands.

Oh, sports fans. Never stop being you.

The violence and protests have been stowed away like a jack-in-the-box, some novelty toy to be brought back out at another politically opportune time. The carnival’s over, folks. Time to go home.

But there’s a thing about violence. You might know it. Violence owes fealty to no one and nothing, and can as quickly turn against itself or its source, or innocents. Last Saturday in Xi’an, Shaanxi province, 51-year-old Li Jianli was bludgeoned over the head by a steel implement just because he was driving — with his family — a Japanese car. He is now partially paralyzed. The story comes via Beijing Youth Daily, and the details, as relayed via Wall Street Journal, are difficult to read:

Mr. Li, his wife, one of his son’s and the son’s fiancée, were on their way back from a shopping trip when Mr. Li’s white Toyota Corolla was set upon by an agitated anti-Japanese mob brandishing sticks, bricks and steel implements, according to the Beijing Youth Daily.

Mr. Li’s wife urged the demonstrators not to damage the vehicle. “It was wrong of us to buy a Japanese car. We won’t buy one ever again, OK?” she was reported as saying by Beijing Youth Daily.

But the gang beat Mr. Li anyway, striking him on the head with a steel shackle and causing him to lose consciousness. Later, he was rushed to hospital where he was treated for open brain injury and then moved to an intensive care unit. He remained there until he regained consciousness three days later.

Mr. Li can now move the left-hand side of his body but the right side continues to be partially paralyzed.

There is no “bright side” to this story. Fuck silver linings in the form of protest repudiations, as if collective guilt expressed on social media could restore a father and husband’s physical well-being. You hate Japanese products so much, you shitbags? Buy your own Japanese car and go nuts on it with a sledgehammer. Film it on your shitty aigo camera put it on Youku to show off your monkey-dumb patriotism, as if it were a skill to be rewarded with a fruit-flavored hard candy, you stupid fucking pieces of scum. Go kill yourselves.

Sent in by an anonymous tipster, a restaurant on Jintai Street near Chaoyangmen offered this sweet deal on Saturday:

Japanese customers who recognize the Diaoyu Islands are Chinese territory may enter

Japanese customers must pay full price on hotpot, rinsed vegetables at this location

Chinese people without exception receive 40% discount

Drinks, desserts, and fruit for Chinese customers are complimentary

If you refuse, fuck off [Ed's note: the character isn't literally "fuck," but that's the idea.]

Hmm. I think I’ll be getting my hotpot elsewhere. Wait… 40 percent, you say? What kind of desserts do you offer?

Keep ‘em coming: we’re looking for Diaoyu-related ads around the city. Previously: Century 21.