If you’d like your custom-made paper plate, please drop us a note. You’ve earned it!

The winners circle includes: Great Leap Brewing, The James Joyce, Slow Boat, Atmosphere, Homeplate, 1F, Coco/GT Banana, The Den, a three-way tie between 3F, Haze and Spark; The World of Suzie Wong, Mix/Vics, Elements, Kokomo, Temple, 2 Kolegas, Cafe del Mar, Mesh/Punk, The Bookworm, Modernista, Propaganda.

That list is pretty representative of the city’s bar and club scene, I think you’ll agree (as long as you don’t live in Wudaokou). It turns out it doesn’t really matter what the categories are. We’ll break it down for you anyway:

Mr. Laowai (analyzed by Kelly Mason)

Most Likely to Encounter a Young Candide Who Believes He/She Will Change China for the Better

• Apothecary
• Flamme
• Great Leap Brewing (40.9%)
• Heaven Supermarket
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Salud

Most Likely to Find a Jaded China Hand Who Hates Everything and Everyone

• Amilal
• Capital M
• The James Joyce (41.5%)
• Janes and Hooch
• Maison Boulud
• Susu

Most Likely to Spot Another Laowai Looking Pissed That You Also Know This “Hidden” Place

• Cu Ju
• Mai
• Mao Mao Chong
• Más
• Revolution
• Slow Boat Brewery Taproom (21.0%)

Place You’d Take Your Visiting Parents, But Probably No One Else

• Ala House
• Atmosphere (56.4%)
• Bar Veloce
• Centro
• CJW
• Glen
• Scarlett

Best Value Drinks for a Food Establishment

• Blue Frog
• Homeplate (26.1%)
• The Kro’s Nest
• Q Mex
• Tim’s Texas BBQ
• Union

Mr. Drunk (analyzed by Ginny Weasley)

Place You’ll Probably End Up, No Matter How Hard You Resist

• 1F (32.2%)
• Brussels
• Chocolate
• Latte
• Miga’s
• Smugglers

Best Place to Go if You’re a Government Official or Fu’erdai

• Coco / GT Banana (49.0%)
• Dao Club
• Domus
• Face
• Tang Club
• Tango

Most Likely to Encounter a Cockeyed Sot Who Harbors Bad, Bad Intentions

• The Den (72.3%)
• Grinders
• Luga’s
• Plan B
• The Stumble Inn
• The Tree

Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

• 3F (25.0%)
• Haze (25.0%)
• LAN Club
• Lantern
• Red Club
• Spark (25.0%)

Place That Opened Before the Olympics That, Against All Odds, is Still Open

• 12SQM
• Black Sun
• Nanjie
• Nashville
• Q Bar
• The World of Suzie Wong (30.6%)

Little Miss Dance (analyzed by Hannah Lincoln)

Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness

• Alfa
• Bar Blu
• Destination
• d Lounge
• Mix / Vics (58.1%)
• Salsa Caribe
• Xiu

Place You’re Most Likely to Get Shanked, Probably by Management

• 9.9
• Butterfly
• Cheers
• Elements (45.5%)
• Kai
• School Bar

Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “YOLO, Bitches!”

• The Brick
• Kokomo (40.5%)
• Lush
• Modernista
• Pyro
• Wu

Music That Doesn’t Suck. NOT Suck

• 2 Kolegas
• Hot Cat Club
• Jianghu
• MAO Live House
• Temple (32.4%)
• What Bar
• XP
• Yugong Yishan

Corollary: Music That Kind of Sucks

• 2 Kolegas (24.1%)
• Hot Cat Club
• Jianghu
• MAO Live House
• Temple
• What Bar
• XP
• Yugong Yishan

Mr. Sex (and drugs) (analyzed by Drake Moreau)

A Place You’ll Only Patronize if You’ve Been Drugged and Taken There in the Back of a Trunk

• Cafe del Mar (29.4%)
• Green Cap
• Frank’s Place
• The Irish Volunteer
• Little Britain
• Park Side Bar and Grill

Best Bathroom for Having Sex, Doing a Line, or, Most Likely, Both

• 2F
• Aperitivo
• Dada
• The Kro’s Nest
• Mesh / Punk (37.5%)
• Zeta Bar

Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)

• The Bookworm (74.4%)
• The Box
• Cafe de la Poste
• Siif
• Twilight
• VA Bar

Best Place to Find a Date

• 4corners
• Great Leap Brewing
• El Nido
• Fubar
• Lush
• Modernista (37.8%)

Best Place to Find a Lay

• Chocolate
• The Den
• Latte
• Maggie’s
• Propaganda (37.8%)
• Pyro

Thank you to those who voted. All 50 or so of you.

This week we introduced the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (VOTE HERE), with 20 categories divided into four groups. We’ve saved the best for last, and look who’s come around to write about Mr. Sex

There’s not a doubt in my mind, and there should certainly be none in yours, that this group of categories is the most important. If you look at the content allowed by the owner and proprietor of BJC, you’ll see that he is actually catering to the deepest and darkest urges of blog readers. The pictures of scantily clad, attractive women. Porn, sex, traffic accidents. Cats. Terrible haircuts like the one he recently got, which is so hideous that he could legitimately be a contestant on the annual World’s Ugliest Dog Contest. The fact that BJC is actually growing means that you readers enjoy this fluff. What does that mean? He knows this category is the most important for his readers — you — and so there was only one person who could possibly comment on it: me.

Let’s go to work.

Café del Mar is out of the running because they returned zero results on a TimeOut search. (Although one could reasonably argue that should be the reason for its winning this award.) The Irish Volunteer’s reasonable beer prices (Carlsberg for 25 RMB) actually makes it seem like people would voluntarily go to this bar. Park Side seems like the type of place for foreign teachers at WAB, Dulwich or similar schools. Frank’s Place and Little Britain are boring enough that I shouldn’t waste space with comments. In conclusion, the winner goes to Green Cap, which, according to one review, boasts of being “located above a Domino’s Pizza and… doesn’t have anything in the way of signage.” Sounds like a place that literally drugs and trunks patrons to fill seats.

(Disclaimer: I have never stepped foot in any of these places, so all my judgments are purely speculative. They could all be fantastic bars with 57-inch TVs and honey oozing from the walls. I don’t know.)

Zeta Bar is out because it had the worst belly dancing competition I could ever have imagined. Note to all: doing Chunk’s truffle shuffle from The Goonies is not belly dancing. While the Kro’s Nest bathrooms are actually spacious and relatively clean, I’d reckon no one has or ever will find (or bring) someone to have sex or do a line off anything around Xiaoyun Lu (the Sanlitun location does not count here, we deal with originals only). The most exciting thing Kro’s does all week involves Tao on a microphone. Enough said. 2F and Apertivo don’t really give off the “now that’s where I want to bang” bathroom vibe. I mean, does 2F even have a bathroom? In the end, I’m going to have to give this one to Mesh / Punk. While Dada’s grungy, moist, dark atmosphere is conducive both to fungi breeding and slimy bathroom activities, the Opposite House’s pristine conditions and high-end pomposity scream American Psycho-style drug-and-sex urges (of course, without the chainsaw and all, hopefully). I know because one time my supervisor backed me into the white bathroom back in Punk’s glory days with wayward intentions.

Before we start, let’s face this fact: guys in Beijing are not teases. Keep that in mind. VA Bar mostly hosts jazz performances, so I bet most attendees are either couples or large impenetrable groups whose BFFs wouldn’t dare let you go home with another man. The Bookworm is for people who want to sit with their laptops and headphones, so there’s no way you’ll get a hard-on from that, let alone wait long enough for your scrotum to start to discolor. The Box… um, do you really think there’s a chance you’ll wind up munching box after munching at The Box? Irony threshold surpassed. Also, this is a hole-in-the-wall shack – no way. Twilight is too nice a place that there are likely some success stories, probably rich fellas treating girls to all-night drinks. And I can personally attest to Siif being a locale that will not leave your balls the color of Man City. (What shade of blue are blue balls anyways?) Cafe de la Poste will take this cake because nothing screams stuck-up, not DTF, prissy like “French fine dining… in a place that feels truly European.”

Lush is out because its patrons are undergraduate students, and we all know no undergraduates coming to Beijing want to find a date. They want to fuck each other’s faces. As it should be. (I’m bitter that this is even a nominee in this group.) Located inside a hot dog stand (well done, btw), Fubar lends itself more to going on a date rather than finding one. Unless you want to be the guy picking up a girl you thought was going to the “trendy” bar but instead wanted a chili cheese dog. GLB is no longer new or interesting; you know what you’re getting when you show up. And that applies to both the beer and those who show up to drink it. (Of course, their new location could be a game changer.) El Nido would be more competitive if it weren’t for the fact that it’s a United Nations of hipster regalia. At the end of the day, 4corners walks out a winner. It consistently draws a crowd with its swingin’ band. So much so — see last year’s Halloween — that if you can’t walk out of there with at the very least some digits, you have problems that not even alcohol can solve.

The final three are serious contenders. Even though I am a wholehearted believer in the famous words uttered by Steve Martin –“ I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy” — Maggie’s just doesn’t do it for me. But it does have a fantastic Filipino cover band. Boiling it down to the ultimate mocha combo — Chocolate or Latte? The midget bouncer at Chocolate that managed to make a friend of mine cry vs. the real-sized bouncer at Latte that almost beat the soul out of another friend? For finding a lay, I would have to go with Latte. Prime location. Music so loud you can’t hear yourself talk, so no need to hear the bird or bloke you’re dancing with either. Frequented by both local and foreign talent. Plus, convenient jianbing stalls for your cab ride home before the fun gets started. Just make sure the fake alcohol doesn’t turn your pleasure parts to mush, because that shit is embarrassing. And then you may end up voting for this place for next year’s blue balls award.

Vote in the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards! (Image credit Katie)

Drake is somewhat of an asshole. Here was his analysis of last year’s Bar and Club Awards. Also, he has a column.

This week we introduced the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (VOTE HERE), with 20 categories divided into four groups. Here’s Hannah Lincoln with a closer look at the group Little Miss Dance.

You’re two beers and three shots in, and it suddenly dawns on you that it is your God-given mission to share your sexiness with the world (or at least with Beijing’s other dance-floor lepers). Bearing that cross, you drag your friends to the nearest club (sidewalks of dancing ayis notwithstanding), ready to commit some serious sacrilege.

Vote in the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards! (Image credit Katie)

This week we introduced the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (VOTE HERE), with 20 categories divided into four groups. We’ve invited a man who knows a thing or two about flaming shots, time traveling, methanol hangovers, and the magical curative properties of a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich to take a closer look at the group Mr. Drunk

Vote in the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards! (Image credit Katie)

This week we introduced the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (VOTE HERE), with 20 categories divided into four groups. Here’s Kelly Mason, a good foreigner, with a closer look at the group Mr. Laowai.

Heaven’s out. Any wide-eyed, optimistic thinker is completely drowned out by the debaucherous crowds that chose to come to Heaven because it’s like their favorite bar, but cheaper.

Having spent many an evening at good ol’ Great Leap, I can say I’ve met my fair share of delusional do-gooders. One guy actually told me he was trying to implement affordable Christian counseling to Chinese nationals. Eesh.

One-upping Great Leap, though, is Salud. The type of person who is still hopeful about changing China is likely still enamored with Nanluoguxiang and gets excited about the free tapas with a local Chinese beer deal. My vote is Salud.

My vote is the James Joyce. The other choices offer a brief respite from the hustle and bustle (read: shitty things about China that make foreigners lose their shit from time to time) of Beijing, but the James Joyce is around the corner from Beijing’s Dive Bar District. To be more specific, it’s right next to Heaven. The exact type of hangout for the typical JCH.

I have to go with Atmosphere. I don’t know about your parents, but mine love that 80th-story lounge type thing. What better place to pretend you’re living large here? The drinks are super expensive and the seating is plush and comfy, and the view is amazing. Well, sometimes. If it’s a smoggy day, here’s your chance to show them the real Beijing and score a free one-way ticket home.

Whew. Sorry. Anyway, I’m voting for Kro’s because they have FREE beer. Free! They also give away tons and tons of free booze on Thursday quiz night, and have other deals throughout the week. Oh, and I guess the pizza’s good, too.

Vote in the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards! (Image credit Katie)

Kelly works as a freelancer on a smorgasbord of projects. She can be reached at mason.kelly.m@gmail.com. Her previous piece for BJC was a review of Elton John’s concert.

UDPATE: Results are in!

Beijing expats may as well have been brought up in a magnificent castle, driven thence into this wonderland of partying and booze. Like all who emerge from relative privilege into physical decadence and spiritual morass, we are a self-centered lot, and so it is that we need a bar and club awards to tell us what we really want to know: where can we hang out with the kind who share our patois? what should we avoid due to the old sots and risk of disfigurement? where to get laid?

Yes, it’s awards season time, when the city’s very best are honored via reader vote, alongside the pretty good and the somewhat bad and all the rest. In that spirit, the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards honors 108 bar/club nominees (we’ve combined Punk/Mesh, Mix/Vics, and GT/Coco Banana) across 20 categories split into four groups. Competition this year is more cutthroat than ever, as only nine establishments (not counting the music venues) are nominated more than once, i.e. exactly twice. Want a paper plate? Seize your opportunity.

We’ll have more coverage throughout the week, breaking down the groups and categories. For now, VOTE HERE. The full list is below. With any luck, Beijing friends, we’ll learn to see our nightlives for what they really are.

Credit for the lovely images goes to Katie.

Mr. Laowai (analyzed by Kelly Mason)

Most Likely to Encounter a Young Candide Who Believes He/She Will Change China for the Better

• Apothecary
• Flamme
• Great Leap Brewing
• Heaven Supermarket
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Salud

Most Likely to Find a Jaded China Hand Who Hates Everything and Everyone

• Amilal
• Capital M
• The James Joyce
• Janes and Hooch
• Maison Boulud
• Susu

Most Likely to Spot Another Laowai Looking Pissed That You Also Know This “Hidden” Place

• Cu Ju
• Mai
• Mao Mao Chong
• Más
• Revolution
• Slow Boat Brewery Taproom

Place You’d Take Your Visiting Parents, But Probably No One Else

• Ala House
• Atmosphere
• Bar Veloce
• Centro
• CJW
• Glen
• Scarlett

Best Value Drinks for a Food Establishment

• Blue Frog
• Homeplate
• The Kro’s Nest
• Q Mex
• Tim’s Texas BBQ
• Union

Mr. Drunk (analyzed by Ginny Weasley)

Place You’ll Probably End Up, No Matter How Hard You Resist

• 1F
• Brussels
• Chocolate
• Latte
• Miga’s
• Smugglers

Best Place to Go if You’re a Government Official or Fu’erdai

• Coco / GT Banana
• Dao Club
• Domus
• Face
• Tang Club
• Tango

Most Likely to Encounter a Cockeyed Sot Who Harbors Bad, Bad Intentions

• The Den
• Grinders
• Luga’s
• Plan B
• The Stumble Inn
• The Tree

Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

• 3F
• Haze
• LAN Club
• Lantern
• Red Club
• Spark

Place That Opened Before the Olympics That, Against All Odds, is Still Open

• 12SQM
• Black Sun
• Nanjie
• Nashville
• Q Bar
• The World of Suzie Wong

Little Miss Dance (analyzed by Hannah Lincoln)

Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness

• Alfa
• Bar Blu
• Destination
• d Lounge
• Mix / Vics
• Salsa Caribe
• Xiu

Place You’re Most Likely to Get Shanked, Probably by Management

• 9.9
• Butterfly
• Cheers
• Elements
• Kai
• School Bar

Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “YOLO, Bitches!”

• The Brick
• Kokomo
• Lush
• Modernista
• Pyro
• Wu

Music That Doesn’t Suck. NOT Suck

• 2 Kolegas
• Hot Cat Club
• Jianghu
• MAO Live House
• Temple
• What Bar
• XP
• Yugong Yishan

Corollary: Music That Kind of Sucks

• 2 Kolegas
• Hot Cat Club
• Jianghu
• MAO Live House
• Temple
• What Bar
• XP
• Yugong Yishan

Mr. Sex (and drugs) (analyzed by Drake Moreau)

A Place You’ll Only Patronize if You’ve Been Drugged and Taken There in the Back of a Trunk

• Cafe del Mar
• Green Cap
• Frank’s Place
• The Irish Volunteer
• Little Britain
• Park Side Bar and Grill

Best Bathroom for Having Sex, Doing a Line, or, Most Likely, Both

• 2F
• Aperitivo
• Dada
• The Kro’s Nest
• Mesh / Punk
• Zeta Bar

Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)

• The Bookworm
• The Box
• Cafe de la Poste
• Siif
• Twilight
• VA Bar

Best Place to Find a Date

• 4corners
• Great Leap Brewing
• El Nido
• Fubar
• Lush
• Modernista

Best Place to Find a Lay

• Chocolate
• The Den
• Latte
• Maggie’s
• Propaganda
• Pyro

Vote in the 2nd annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards

We held our Bar and Club Awards party on Saturday. Thank you to the 80 of you who voted. We now know which place to go watch English teachers make fools of themselves, and which place do you go if you’re seeking blue balls, and which place do you go if you hate conversation and want to experience the unique sensation of bleeding eardrums. If you’re the owner or manager of any of the following winners and would like your award, which will be in the form of a paper plate or plastic fork or knife, please let me know.

Some highlights:

- With one win: d lounge, Great Leap Brewing, Q Bar, Spark, Smugglers, Punk/Mesh, Kokomo, Chocolate, Tim’s Texas BBQ, The Swan with Two Necks, Red Club, Pure Girl, What Club, Maggie’s, The Den, and Migas. Propaganda/Sensation, The Bookworm and Mix/Vics each won two. Winning three: 1F.

- Speaking to the predictability of these popularity contests, you guys predicted Migas would win the Beijinger’s Bar and Club Award for Best Bar. It did.

- Spark, which won the Beijinger’s Best Club, was our readers’ choice for Most Likely to Make You Feel You Got Fleeced, Raped and Left for Dead.

- Propaganda/Sensation took more than half the votes in the Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects category, making it the biggest runaway winner of any category.

- The Way Too Far For You to Care category yielded interesting results: The first and third choices got 11 votes, the second and fourth choices got 10 votes, and the last choice got 12. Two people wrote in “All of the above.”

And now…

THE WINNERS OF THE BEIJING CREAM BAR AND CLUB AWARDS

DROSS

Best Place to Watch English Teachers Try to Pick Up Local Girls

• 1F
• The Brick
• Latte
• Luga’s
• Kai Bar
• Smugglers

Best Place for Asian Men to Hit On White Girls

• George’s
• Migas
• Red Club
• Vics
• Xiu
• Youth Club (formerly Poachers)

Safest Place for a Girl to Avoid Being Leered At

• Alfa
• Bed Bar
• Blue Frog
• The Bookworm
• Destination
• Mesh

Best Place to Slip Someone a Date Rape Drug and Wander Off

• Baby Oh!
• Club Juicy Spot
• Kai Bar
• Mix/Vics
• Propaganda
• Smugglers

REPUGNANCE

Most Likely to Accidentally Find Yourself Trapped in a Conversation with Someone You Immediately Realize You Despise

• 1F
• Cafe de la Poste
• d lounge
• Heaven
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Stumble Inn

Place in Which You’re Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”

• Amilal
• El Nido
• Great Leap Brewing
• Mai
• Mao Mao Chong
• Modernista

Most Likely to Make You Feel Like You Got Fleeced

• Aria
• Atmosphere
• Centro
• Face Bar
• Q Bar

Most Likely to Make You Feel You Got Fleeced, Raped and Left for Dead

• Apothecary
• d lounge
• Scarlett
• Spark
• Xiu

ALCOHOLISM

Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days

• Club Juicy Spot
• Nanjie
• Salud
• Smugglers
• Tun

Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice

• Enoterra
• LAN Club
• Migas
• Punk/Mesh
• Flamme

Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal

• Brussels
• The Den
• Glen
• Great Leap Brewing
• Kokomo
• Nashville
• Siif

Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

• Chocolate
• Haze
• Latte
• Maggie’s
• Red Club
• Spark

META

Why Even Call it Happy Hour if You’re Only Going to Lower Prices on Tsingtaos by 5 Kuai (i.e. The Tim’s Texas BBQ Award)

• Fubar
• Great Leap Brewing
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Tim’s Texas BBQ
• Union

Way Too Far For You to Care

• Frank’s Place
• The Green Cap
• The Irish Volunteer
• The Pomegranate
• The Swan with Two Necks

Absolutely, Positively Worst Music

• Haze
• Kokomo
• Lantern
• Red Club
• White Rabbit

Least Likely to be Featured in Any Kind of Bar/Club Award

• 9.9
• The Awesomeness Bar
• Cheers
• Pure Girl
• Souk Lounge

Bar You Have Not Been to But is Actually Not Bad

• Ball House
• Contempio Temple Bar
• Doron
• Jiggly Wiggly
• Revolution
• What Bar

SEX

Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects

• Lantern
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Youth Club (formerly Poachers)
• School Bar
• Tango

Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)

• 2F
• Apothecary
• Black Sun
• The Bookworm
• The Tree

Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker

• Chocolate
• The Den
• Maggie’s
• The World of Suzie Wong
• Xiu

Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness

• Bar Blu
• Club Wu
• Mix/Vics
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Punk

Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

• 1F
•  2 Kolegas
•  4corners
•  Global
•  Lush
•  Pyro
•  Salsa Caribe
•  Temple Bar
•  VA Bar

THE BEIJINGER

Your Prediction for Bar that Will Win the Beijinger’s Bar of the Year

• Mao Mao Chong
• Blue Frog
• d lounge
• Migas
• First Floor
• Mesh
• Apothecary
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Great Leap Brewing

What's being depicted here? Drunkenness

Between drinking out of a boat — the 500-millitier Dead Guy Rogue draft for 55 yuan (multiple by three because of the buy-two-get-one-free deal) — and schmoozing over flip cup, I took pictures of last night’s big awards party at Kro’s Nest. Thanks to those who skipped Punk’s closing party to drink with us. Hulk Hogan showed up, though dressed in a straw hat and Boracay Dragons jersey. When I left it was pouring outside, but I was too drunk to notice. My camera stayed dry though, and I have the pictures after the jump to prove it. (Postscript: We shared the spotlight with Alicia’s China Nationals partiers.)

Winners of the BJC Bar and Club Awards will be announced later. [UPDATE: Here are the winners.]

These are not deposable legs, and that head is not photoshopped.

You were expecting something other than flip cup?

You might judge this man giving the camera the double bird, but you have no idea how drunk he is.

Since you asked, no, I don't know what's going on here.

That dragon that was promised.

A totally acceptable outfit to wear to the BJC Bar and Club Awards.

The BJC Bar and Club Awards party is this Saturday at 11 pm at Sanlitun Kro’s Nest. Say you’re there for Beijing Cream and all drinks will be buy two, get one free. The theme is HUNGER GAMES.

Yesterday, Kevin Reitz came by to explain what the men should wear. Today, we have Piper Fisco here to offer a female perspective.

By Piper Fisco

It’s Saturday night, just hours before the Beijing Cream Awards ceremony, and you’re throwing open your closet as a voice in your head screeches, “Grrrl, you have nothing to wear.” But, girl, don’t fret – you got this one.

Before we go any further, let me remind you that you’re going to an anti-awards party thrown by dudes (right, dudes are organizing this?! They must be if it’s at Kro’s Nest). Let’s keep it real: this venue is a pizza place off South Sanlitun Road, which is also host to booze-bag palaces of vomit like Nanjie and Tun, and you’ll be surrounded by people in dragon costumes (you’ll just have to trust us on this one). Suffice it to say, you need not “dress to impress.” You’re a girl, and I’m impressed by a girl who would come to this. Your best course of action would really be to down a couple bottles of medicinal baijiu (I can’t be the only person in town who’s feeling a bit congested, right?) and turn your dirty pair of underpants inside out for the night because you’re not taking anyone home from this one.

If, however, your inner fierce must come out… Slut. This. Place. Up. Wear a loincloth (that falls under the “Hunger Games” theme, right? I know nothing about this new Twilight-Harry Potter-whatever phenomenon, and think Tao should have made it a “50 Shades of Grey” theme. Just sayin’). You’ll be surrounded by freaking dragons, and dragons = nerds or people who are super into the nian. This party will need lots of carefully created cleavage and butts. Lots of butts.

Don’t forget that the drink special is 2-for-1 EVERYTHING. [Correction: buy two, get one free.] If you’re going to take advantage of this deal with beer, wear something that will accommodate your bloat and is conducive to peeing a lot. If you’re going to drink yourself blind on Flaming Kro’s, then wear something flame retardant and, for God’s sake, pull your hair up so it doesn’t catch fire.

Piper’s first piece for BJC was about these awards. She lives in Beijing.

Alas, Jennifer Aniston will not be at the BJC Bar and Club Awards. Probably not.

What should men wear to our big party on Saturday at 11 pm at Sanlitun Kro’s Nest? Glad you asked.

Our writer, pictured here, will be at the party. Will you?

As announced yesterday, the BJC Bar and Club Awards party will be this Saturday at 11 pm at Sanlitun Kro’s Nest. Say you’re there for Beijing Cream and all drinks will be buy two, get one free. The theme will be HUNGER GAMES.

Today, we’ve invited the sartorially keen Kevin Reitz to explain what to wear. I don’t think he got the memo about the theme being HUNGER GAMES, but that’s okay. Trust this man.

By Kevin Reitz

Fedora. RMB 0-25. Yashow/Your Closet

Who hasn’t already purchased a half-dozen of these for random parties? Just wear one — I’m sure it’s still clean from the last time.

I  BJ shirt. RMB 59. Yashow
Make a clear statement in this classy yet blunt shirt. For free shots from Tao all night, transform the BJ into “BJC.”

Ray Bon sunglasses. RMB 29. Yashow
Nothing says “You know what? I’m probably just gonna forget these in a cab next week anyway, why spend more than $5?” better than a nice, cheap pair of sunnies. If you go to the lady vendors at the very top of the escalator, don’t let them charge you more than 30 yuan, though I always pay 25 — even less when I’m wearing a fedora.

Dark jeans. RMB 89. Yashow
Get some dark jeans. Maybe a blue or, like, a dark gray? I dunno, jeans in China are weird unless you actually have a Chinese butt. And make sure you pull them up over your bellybutton.  That’s what all the youngsters are doing now.

Crocs loafers. Price RMB 39. Yashow
Let’s face it, there’s a reason why even old Chinese ladies are wearing these now. They are cheap, comfortable, good looking, and they last forever. Get some.

Kevin is an Ultimate Frisbee player and drummer in Beijing. Here is his blog, and here he is again as Hulk Hogan:

Voting for the BJC Bar and Club Awards ends at midnight tonight. Vote now if you haven’t already, it’s easy — the ballot is above. (UPDATE, next day: Voting is now closed. Sad.)

Also: we will officially celebrate the winners on Saturday at 11 pm at a party at the Sanlitun Kro’s Nest. We guarantee ours will be rowdier and drunker than the Beijinger‘s afternoon shindig for their thingymajig.

Coverage of the BJC Bar and Club Awards isn’t over. Stay tuned. 

Thanks to all our guest columnists:

• Piper Fisco, writing about the bars in the Dross category
• E, writing about Repugnance
• Kevin Reitz, writing about Alcoholism
• Scott Grow, writing about what it means to be an alcoholic
• Loretta Fu, navel-gazing at the Meta nominees
• Drake on Sex
• One Night in Beijing with a female perspective on sex

Once again, the categories:

Dross

• Best Place to Watch English Teachers Try to Pick Up Local Girls
• Best Place for Asian Men to Hit On White Girls
• Safest Place for a Girl to Avoid Being Leered At
• Best Place to Slip Someone a Date Rape Drug and Wander Off

Repugnance

• Most Likely to Accidentally Find Yourself Trapped in a Conversation with Someone You Immediately Realize You Despise
• Place in Which You’re Most Likely to Hear the Phrase “You’ve Probably Never Heard of Them”
• Most Likely to Make You Feel Like You Got Fleeced
• Most Likely to Make You Feel You Got Fleeced, Raped and Left for Dead

Alcoholism

• Most Reliable Place to Get Shitfaced, Followed by Overwhelming Regret For Two Days
• Safest Place to Get Alcohol Poisoning, Because the Bathrooms are Nice
• Worst Place to Go if You’re Feeling Mildly Suicidal
• Most Likely to Physically Injure Oneself

Meta

• Why Even Call it Happy Hour if You’re Only Going to Lower Prices on Tsingtaos by 5 Kuai (i.e. The Tim’s Texas BBQ Award)
• Way Too Far For You to Care
• Absolutely, Positively Worst Music
• Least Likely to be Featured in Any Kind of Bar/Club Award
• Bar You Have Not Been to But is Actually Not Bad

Sex

• Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects
• Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)
• Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker
• Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness
• Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

Six days ago we introduced the 1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (image credit Katie), with 22 questions divided into five categories. On Friday, Drake wrote about the Sex category, and it seemed only fair that we balanced out his perspective with a girl’s. Here it is.

By One Night in Beijing

Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects

• Lantern
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Youth Club (formerly Poachers)
• School Bar
• Tango

The type of lighting most conducive to concealing physical defects is called alcohol. All places above are well equipped with this, but at Propaganda it is SUPER CHEAP. Oh god. So cheap! I think I paid something like 45 RMB for two vodka tonics (the drink to have if you just want to get drunk and not stain your teeth or get fat on liquid sugar and just feel like you’re drinking iced water). Interlaced with tequila shots. Everyone starts to look good pretty fast. Unfortunately, everyone is also, like, twelve. Or creepy old people ogling twelve-year-olds, like me. What kind of statutory rape laws are in effect here, again? Any?

Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)

• 2F
• Apothecary
• Black Sun
• The Bookworm
• The Tree

I’ll be talking about the female equivalent of blue balls here. I guess that would be, like, a really wet underwear. The thing you have to understand about any blue-ball situation is that the girl isn’t getting any either — she can’t be feeling good about that. Take this from me, girls are sluts. We can’t wait to jump on somebody, sometimes any body. So guys, if you end up not getting it on, it’s because you did something stupid to fuck it up, even if you’re not even aware of what’s going on. What kind of thing you did to fuck it up depends on where and how you met this girl, which is why the above is a great list.

Let’s use Bookworm as an example. I think to call Bookworm a bar is a misnomer. It’s really a cafe that sells alcohol. What kind of girls come to a place like this? Girls who arrive with their little laptops, gather a pile of arty showy-offy books, sit down and order a strawberry milkshake and then spend the next four hours chatting with their BFF on QQ and total strangers within 100 meters on Weixin. You can pick out these girls right away because the book on the top of their pile has been open to the same page since three bathroom breaks ago. You guys, they definitely want you to pick them up; otherwise they’d be chatting on QQ and Weixin at home. However, if they wanted you to pick them up with the same line you’d use at Mix/Vics (“Hey. You. Speak English?”), they’d be at Mix/Vics. Be a little more crafty here, guys.

What these girls want from a guy who hits on them at Bookworm is the showing of promise. You don’t actually have to have any promise. Just perform a little teaser demonstrating the ability to hold a real job and interesting postcoital conversation maybe. There is nothing worse than lying naked in bed with a guy who starts blabbering about cab drivers and jian bings and stuff. (“Wow, that was great. Do you like jian bings? I love jian bings.”) This one guy once came over and asked me to read this book or script or whatever he was writing. Sadly, his writing sucked balls, which I told him straight up and advised him to give up writing immediately and forever and go do something productive and common like private equity or noodle making. He was totally upset but got up the nerve to ask me to dinner anyway. Let’s just say that, were his actual writing not so terribly worthless, I’d have let him buy me a sandwich or something.

Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker

• Chocolate
• The Den
• Maggie’s
• The World of Suzie Wong
• Xiu

As a girl, it’s a terrifying thing to go to a place full of hookers, not to mention kind of unproductive. Some guys don’t give you any attention because they want a sure thing with the hookers. Some guys give you too much attention, making you wonder if they think you are a hooker. Some guys would like to squeeze hooker services out of you for free. These are the worst; I hate cheap bastards.

No place is more infiltrated with hookers more densely than Maggie’s. You walk in, you know what’s going on. It’s a circus with a Filipino cover band and busty Mongolian women, and I’m down with that. They also have great lamb skewers, if you like to snack during your entertainment, which I do.

But for girls, postcoital triste usually results from a different kind of moment of weakness. There are usually all these guys lurking around trying to get into our pants, from which we defend ourselves nobly almost out of reflex. There are certain poisons against this reflex, though: alcohol, horniness, loneliness, just-ran-into-some-asshole, you name it. When this happens, lots of girls just end up finding comfort in the bed of whatever guy is right next to them. This could happen in any place, but it usually happens at McDonald’s at 4 am, and inevitably ends up in remorse around 9:30 am. Life is not How Harry Met Sally, you guys.

Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness

• Bar Blu
• Club Wu
• Mix/Vics (+5 to its final tally)
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Punk

Obviously, women have a close relationship with this category as well. We love being taken advantage of. Everyone does. Without the places in this category, I would probably still be a virgin.

Just as I think alcohol is the best lighting, I think distance is the best for drunken-advantage-taking.

As we all know, when you get into a cab with someone at the end of the night, unless this person is your wing (wo)man, the deal is on. Unfortunately, a lot of confusion surrounds the whole cabbing ordeal. Cabs are so scarce and chaotic around club-leavin’ time that people are quick to jump in anything that moves. If you don’t play this right, you may not end up in the right cab, and then you’d have no choice but to go home in a heap of confusion and loneliness.

But if you and the object of your desire are both going in the same direction to somewhere really, really far, then this person almost has no choice but to get in with you. Nobody wants to pay a 60 kuai cab fare when they could be paying 30. Or nothing. Women are budget-minded creatures. Guys: when you get in a cab, just give the driver your address, and the other person may be way too drunk to know what’s going on. They won’t know that the front door they’re walking into is not their own until too late. You just lock that door behind you. Those keys-only Chinese locks, so tricky.

Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

• 1F
• 2 Kolegas
• 4corners
• Global
• Lush
• Pyro
• Salsa Caribe
• Temple Bar
• VA Bar

I have been to only two places on this list, and I’m ashamed to admit which ones. So I’ll just wing it.

The difference between men and women is glaringly obvious. A man’s greatest fear is that a lay will turn into something more. This happens to be a woman’s greatest dream. I don’t know why so many books have been written on this stuff, like men are from Mars or Jupiter or wherever and women are from the moon. In Beijing, “something more” is always bad. Co-workers are constantly asking me for Ibuprofen in the mornings, which I always have.

The key to dealing with “something more” is not where you pick up a person, or get picked up, but how you manage expectations. Here are some quick tips:

To the guys: If you want to get rid of a girl right after the lay, you just turn around and start texting her BFF. Ask the BFF to get ice cream and then a massage. They will both be disgusted, but the BFF might not be disgusted enough to decline. What happens then between the two of them is not really your problem, but rest assured girl #1 will not be expecting an engagement ring from you anytime soon.

To the girls: If you want to lock down some dude after a lay… you can’t. Give up. In the alternative, you can exhibit an insane amount of stalk-y behavior and hope that this man will give in out of sheer exhaustion and defeat. This totally worked for one of my friends who wrote her then-bf 25 emails a day after he dumped her, and finally they got married and she’s now a housewife with two kids, if that’s what you’re after.

The writer is a New Yorker who has been living in Beijing for the past year. She started the website One Night in Beijing last November.

You can vote for the bars in the Sex category and the four others – Dross, Repugnance, Alcoholism, and Meta — right here:

Four days ago we introduced the 1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (image credit Katie), with 22 questions divided into five categories. We’ve had contributions from Piper Fisco, E, Kevin Reitz, Scott Grow and Loretta Fu. To examine the fifth of our five categories, Sex, here’s Drake.

By Drake Moreau

Tao has dedicated this week to his own narcissistic BJC Bar and Club Awards. If you’ve seen any of his self-promo ads or heard any of his introductions over the radio, he never misses an opportunity to proclaim how he is the “owner and proprietor of BeijingCream.com.” [Ed's note: It's a Deadwood reference, asshole.] Well, now it’s my turn to stand on the soapbox and do some self-promo. Sex, here we come.

Club with Lighting Most Conducive to Concealing Physical Defects

• Lantern
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Youth Club (formerly Poachers)
• School Bar
• Tango

This is a competitive category. I’m going to eliminate Lantern because it is a high-end club, as evidenced by its cover charge for men. It’s a well-known fact that clubs with covers tend to attract the best-looking women (at least the best-looking women that Beijing has to offer), so physical defects are lacking, relatively speaking. Meanwhile, Propaganda/Sensation and School Bar lighting, for me, just don’t cut it. I honestly don’t know where the fuck Youth Club or Poachers is. Tango is my pick. If not due to the process of elimination, then owing to the fact that the last time I was there, to see Paul Kalkbrenner, I woke up in the morning next to someone who looked like a Hanggai throat singer. I promise you she did not look like that when I first met her.

Most Likely to Leave You with Blue Balls (or the Female Equivalent)

• 2F
• Apothecary
• Black Sun
• The Bookworm
• The Tree

Blue balls suck. Plain and simple. They should not be blue. They should be clear. Clear of semen. Unfortunately, not all bars and clubs leave men with clear balls the next morning. Even if you do end the night successfully at The Bookworm or The Tree, your partner will probably not be experienced enough to flush your balls. The winner of this category is easily 2F. Evidence: once I brought a very nice and attractive Chinese girl, even bought her several drinks. We started dancing, she stroked my shaft, finally asked me to go in a cab with her home. We get to her place, and BOOM! She waves bye and disappears faster than John Travolta’s masseur. Blue balls like a bitch. Fuck you 2F!

Where a Lay is Most Likely Followed by Postcoital Triste, Probably Because You Paid for a Hooker

• Chocolate
• The Den
• Maggie’s
• The World of Suzie Wong
• Xiu

All the nominees listed here are valid. I have no qualms with any of them. But hookers are far too obvious at Maggie’s and Chocolate. Postcoital triste most likely occurs after nights at The Den because you brought home a rugby player who actually mistook you for a hooker. Suzie Wong’s, in my opinion, simply doesn’t have enough hookers. Xiu takes the cake. I’ve seen friends walk up to women at the bar or a table and get absolutely no response. Nothing. It’s incredibly rude. The women looked through them as though they were transparent, like Guagua’s intentions with Huntman’s daughter. Hookers can sniff a pauper from a mile away.

Best Place to Go If You’re the Type of Shameless Asshole to Take Advantage of Another’s Drunkenness

• Bar Blu
• Club Wu
• Mix/Vics
• Propaganda/Sensation
• Punk

Obviously I have somewhat of a close relationship with this category. Indeed, most men do, but they’re just too polite (pussy) to admit it. The nominees here are interesting. We have a couple of dark horses, followed by some obvious favorites, with another semi-reasonable option at the end. The favorites are undoubtedly Mix/Vics and Propaganda/Sensation. While both deserve to take home the award, the real winner should be Punk. Drinks are always in people’s hands, because you’d look like an awkward hedgehog without one. The music gets everyone on the dance floor, because it’s too loud to have a real conversation. And when the music is awful, as it usually is, you feel more compelled to drink more, and that just leads to bad things. I was so drunk one time, a girl took advantage of me. Took me to the wall around the corner from the far right door and stuck my hand down her pants. That’s right, girls are shameless assholes, too.

Best Place to Find a Lay that Turns into Something More, For Better or For Worse

• 1F
• 2 Kolegas
• 4corners
• Global
• Lush
• Pyro
• Salsa Caribe
• Temple Bar
• VA Bar

Quite a lot of options for this one, so I’m just going to state my vote and the reason: Salsa Caribe. Great music that is perfect for dancing. Even if you suck at dancing, oftentimes you can find someone willing to teach you, or who also sucks. Oftentimes it is very easy to turn this into a lay. And oftentimes, that something is for the worse. Case and point: one night I showed up there with a very promising Indonesian girl. I danced her cute ass from here to Argentina. On my way back from the bathroom, I stopped to talk to a girl by herself on a bench. After five minutes of small talk, I told her we should go back to my place for some more drinks, which was on the way to her place. Done and done. The “something more” was her accompanying me to work the next day, because it just so happened she was studying Chinese at a language school that was in the same building as my work. On the same floor. There should be a rule against that kind of shit.

Drake is the asshole who has a column around these parts. He can be reached at drake@beijingcream.com. 

You can vote for the bars in the Sex category and the four others – Dross, Repugnance, Meta, and Alcoholism — right here:

Three days ago we introduced the 1st annual Beijing Cream Bar and Club Awards (image credit Katie), with 22 questions divided into five categories. We’ve had contributions from Piper Fisco, E, Kevin Reitz and Scott Grow. To examine the fourth of our five categories, Meta, we’ve invited somewhat of a bar expert. It’s all too fitting.

By Loretta Fu

Why Even Call it Happy Hour if You’re Only Going to Lower Prices on Tsingtaos by 5 Kuai (i.e. The Tim’s Texas BBQ Award)

• Fubar
• Great Leap Brewing
• Paddy O’Shea’s
• Tim’s Texas BBQ
• Union

Seeing as Great Leap does not have a happy hour to be spoken of, they are automatically out of the running. I think Tim’s Texas BBQ takes the cake on this one.

Way Too Far For You to Care

• Frank’s Place
• The Green Cap
• The Irish Volunteer
• The Pomegranate
• Swan Lake

I really don’t care about any of them. But if I had to choose the one I cared LEAST about, I suppose Swan Lake. I don’t even care enough to know what that bar is. And I bet it’s really far away. [Editor's note: I can't remember where I saw mention of this bar called "Swan Lake," but now that I try to find it online, I can't. Did I just make the bar up? Would appreciate hearing from someone who's actually been to Swan Lake, which may or may not exist in Beijing.]

Absolutely, Positively Worst Music

• Haze
• Kokomo
• Lantern
• Red Club
• White Rabbit

I hate electronic music, so this one is really like shooting fish in a barrel. I… hate… Lantern. If the music was actually at a volume that you could bear, then maybe it would be excused. But my eardrums bleed every time I walk in there. Lantern gets my vote for worst music.

Least Likely to be Featured in Any Kind of Bar/Club Award

• 9.9
• The Awesomeness Bar
• Cheers
• Pure Girl
• Souk Lounge

Only in China would there be bars that have these names. Awesomeness Bar is clearly screaming for attention, but I won’t give it the satisfaction of winning ANYTHING. Cocky bitch. Also won’t dignify Pure Girl with anything. Perhaps 9.9 is the least offensive to me, enough that it’ll get my vote.

Bar You Have Not Been to But is Actually Not Bad

• Ball House
• Contempio Temple Bar
• Doron
• Jiggly Wiggly
• Revolution
• What Bar

I’ve heard good things about all of these places. I’ve heard that Temple Bar is big. I’ve heard that Ball House has foosball. Big ups for Ball House having foosball. I vote for them.

Loretta has been in Beijing long enough to know more people than you, and care less. But that doesn’t mean you’re a worse voter … all nominees in the Meta category and the four others – Dross, Repugnance, Alcoholism, and Sex — are right here: