To Serve People Tiananmen Special: The Global Times Reminds You To Shut The Fuck Up

TAR Tiananmen 1
Global Times chose June 4 to publish two editorials about how the Internet and media need to be brutally censored. One editorial is by Shan Renping -- the party’s stupidest editorial lapdog -- and the other is from the rat-infested oozing pile of vomit and bile shat through the vagina of a dead yet zombified tapeworm screaming at the top of its intestines, Hu Xijin. Let’s start with Hu: “Web regulation in public's best interest”

To Serve People: Ai Weiwei vs. Global Times Reveals Propaganda Can Be A Fickle Mistress

TAR Ai Weiwei vs GT
On Tuesday night, the Global Times published an article damning Elton John for dedicating his performance to Ai Weiwei and encouraging Chinese people to boo future similar performers off the stage. On the same day, GT published “‘Top thinkers’ list a reflection of US values,” a scathing indictment of Foreign Policy’s list, which features, among others, Ai Weiwei.

To Serve People: A Southeast Asian Platter Of Islands That’s China’s, All China’s

Southeast Asia coastlines
The South China Sea is pretty boring to most people, normal people. But China’s reaction to politics in the region is priceless, a full-on charm/punching offensive in Southeast Asia. The Association of Southeast Asian Nations held a summit last week, during which we learned China has territorial disputes with, well, just about every member with a coastline.

To Serve People: No One Loathes Porn Like China’s New Master Of The Dark Arts

Liu Yunshan
His name is Liu Yunshan, and here’s why you should care: this will be (has been) the guy blocking your Twitter and New York Times, slowing down your Internet speed, ramping up diplomatic bile, telling Hu Xijin what to write in his god-awful columns and basically making China a worse place for everyone. He has had experience, but now, he has a seat at the big table.

To Serve People: Hate Week: Five Days Of Chinese Media Hating On The US

Hillary Clinton the bitch
The phrase “China-bashing” has taken hold in the propaganda rags. Disgust, indignation and odium are liable to rain down like bukkake. This past week, government papers shot out editorial upon editorial on two occasions when US entities spoke about China. In one instance, it was presidential nominees; in the other, it involved arguably the greatest newspaper in the history of modern print journalism.

To Serve People: It’s Okay To Have Different Views If You’re A Traitor

“Public accepts other views despite anger” is a piece from He Hu Should Not Be Named (or born for that matter) about some 2,200 tourists aboard the cruise ship Costa Victoria. “Tourists?” I hear you say through my mind's ear-hole. Yes, tourists. They did something insidious, something unthinkable, something that will make your blood boil and your bones do the dougie. They went to…

To Serve People: Global Times Harasses Torture Victim For Winning The German Peace Prize, That Prick

To Serve People
Liao Yiwu won the 2012 Peace Prize of the German Book Trade, causing Global Times columnist Shan Renping to act like a baby, a baby in sore need of being bashed against a tree. The media went balls-to-the wall, calling Liao insane for, perhaps overzealously, shouting at his acceptance speech, saying China was an “ever-expanding garbage dump” and “an inhumane empire with bloody hands” (note: true, but who hasn’t been to a bachelor party like that). At the end, he shouted “the empire must break apart” six times.

To Serve People: Hu: The Man Who Lets the Dogs Out

Hu Xijin
Hu “The Gelded Fuckwit” Xijin took a moment this week to remind everyone that no one should pay any attention whatsoever to the Nobel Prize, unless it is won by a Chinese person that has yet to get in trouble. Having hated the West, Westerners, the Nobel Prize and human thought for his entire “journalistic” career, Hu “The Pitiless Twat” Xijin was surprised by the Nobel Committee’s choice.

To Serve People: Chinese Media Is A Jealous, Insecure, Peevish Teenage Girl

GT footer
First: SPACE! [Ed's note: TAR originally sent that in 100-point Rockwell Extra Bold font, which, sadly, we cannot replicate in this space, nor can we make it flash. Consider fuchsia a compromise.] Space is awesome. Everything that happens in space is cooler than Earth. When I was in high school, I met an astronaut. I asked him, “How do you poop?” and I was genuinely interested in the answer. That does not apply to ANY other job.

To Serve People: China Will SCO You Through The Spanish Announce Table

To Serve People - SCO
A lot of things happened this week, from the Tiananmen anniversary to the death of dissidents to Tibetans setting themselves on fire. Predictably, the Chinese papers stayed away from these subjects entirely. What did they focus on instead? The Shanghai Cooperation Organization. Featuring: China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.

To Serve People: Confucius Say, Shut The F*ck Up, Chinese Media

To Serve People - Confucius
So… Confucius, huh? What a douche. Just kidding. We’re cool, dog. *imaginary 4th Century BC fist bump* But the Confucius Institute has been at the center of a Chinese editorial free-for-all for a good part of the week. So who is the party-line hate focused at this week? Dalai Lama? Rabiya Kadeer? Democracy? Ai Weiwei? Free Press? Foreigners? Hollywood? The Internet?

To Serve People: So… Yang Rui, huh?

To Serve People - Yang Rui
What a cunt. This is Yang Rui. You can’t really see it, but I have it on good authority that his tie is the foreskin for his head. You may have glimpsed him on TV. I haven’t. Because if I ever did see him on TV, I would own a TV with a shoe in it.

To Serve People: China Hungry! Smash Western Media And The West!

Anderson Cooper
The “Western press” -- and “the West” in general -- got a pretty good beating in Chinese editorials this week. Mostly, the Western media got accused of, shall we say, imaginary things, dreamed up in Hu Xijin’s prion-addled brain under his dead-rat hairpiece. We’ll discuss some of the “Western media’s” perceived slights, sins and misdemeanors this week, all dreamed up by nincompoops who work in the leviathan’s anal prolapse that is Chinese media.

To Serve People: In Defense Of The French, At Least Hu Xijin Isn’t French

Just call him TAR
There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French. Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle.

To Serve People: “Ethics” Training, India’s Missile, And Shan Renping, Please Take Your Place In The Pillory

Shan Renping
Strict Party governance vitally needed Global Times | April 16, 2012 19:48 By Shan Renping Since we had a pop at the laughably insane Hu Xijin last week, this week’s propaganda piñata will be Shan Renping. Now, Shan is by no means as high profile as Hu Xijin, but he makes up for it by being more hateful and intellectually repulsive. Unfortunately, Shan is a rather difficult party proselytizer to find, much in line with the traditional problem propagandists face (i.e. hiding so that people don’t beat them to death with sticks). So in lieu of a picture, I have provided a dramatization of what he looks like: