Global Times chose June 4 to publish two editorials about how the Internet and media need to be brutally censored. One editorial is by Shan Renping -- the party’s stupidest editorial lapdog -- and the other is from the rat-infested oozing pile of vomit and bile shat through the vagina of a dead yet zombified tapeworm screaming at the top of its intestines, Hu Xijin. Let’s start with Hu: “Web regulation in p ...

On Tuesday night, the Global Times published an article damning Elton John for dedicating his performance to Ai Weiwei and encouraging Chinese people to boo future similar performers off the stage. On the same day, GT published “‘Top thinkers’ list a reflection of US values,” a scathing indictment of Foreign Policy’s list, which features, among others, Ai Weiwei. ...

The South China Sea is pretty boring to most people, normal people. But China’s reaction to politics in the region is priceless, a full-on charm/punching offensive in Southeast Asia. The Association of Southeast Asian Nations held a summit last week, during which we learned China has territorial disputes with, well, just about every member with a coastline. ...

His name is Liu Yunshan, and here’s why you should care: this will be (has been) the guy blocking your Twitter and New York Times, slowing down your Internet speed, ramping up diplomatic bile, telling Hu Xijin what to write in his god-awful columns and basically making China a worse place for everyone. He has had experience, but now, he has a seat at the big table. ...

The phrase “China-bashing” has taken hold in the propaganda rags. Disgust, indignation and odium are liable to rain down like bukkake. This past week, government papers shot out editorial upon editorial on two occasions when US entities spoke about China. In one instance, it was presidential nominees; in the other, it involved arguably the greatest newspaper in the history of modern print journalism. ...

“Public accepts other views despite anger” is a piece from He Hu Should Not Be Named (or born for that matter) about some 2,200 tourists aboard the cruise ship Costa Victoria. “Tourists?” I hear you say through my mind's ear-hole. Yes, tourists. They did something insidious, something unthinkable, something that will make your blood boil and your bones do the dougie. They went to… ...

Liao Yiwu won the 2012 Peace Prize of the German Book Trade, causing Global Times columnist Shan Renping to act like a baby, a baby in sore need of being bashed against a tree. The media went balls-to-the wall, calling Liao insane for, perhaps overzealously, shouting at his acceptance speech, saying China was an “ever-expanding garbage dump” and “an inhumane empire with bloody hands” (note: true, but who ha ...

Hu “The Gelded Fuckwit” Xijin took a moment this week to remind everyone that no one should pay any attention whatsoever to the Nobel Prize, unless it is won by a Chinese person that has yet to get in trouble. Having hated the West, Westerners, the Nobel Prize and human thought for his entire “journalistic” career, Hu “The Pitiless Twat” Xijin was surprised by the Nobel Committee’s choice. ...

Mad Libs is a "phrasal template word game," according to Wikipedia, and who better to provide the template for such comedy than our favorite mouthpieces of the CCP? Let's play. ...

Click to enlarge. After the jump, links to places where you can read these actual stories. ...

First: SPACE! [Ed's note: TAR originally sent that in 100-point Rockwell Extra Bold font, which, sadly, we cannot replicate in this space, nor can we make it flash. Consider fuchsia a compromise.] Space is awesome. Everything that happens in space is cooler than Earth. When I was in high school, I met an astronaut. I asked him, “How do you poop?” and I was genuinely interested in the answer. That does not a ...

So, the Chinese government has taken all the good stuff off the Internet, from porn to videos of monkeys sniffing their own butts. Radio, television and film are all under the thumb of the oppressively stupid and black-marker-happy SARFT. And let’s not even get started on the sorrowfully sodomized social media. ...

First, KATO! No, not that Kato. Yoshikazu Kato. He’s a Japanese writer who has written for the Financial Times, Oriental Outlook and… and… The Global Times?! You don't know Yoshikazu? He’s the filthy Jap Devil who wants to steal/buy islands from the motherland. ...

A lot of things happened this week, from the Tiananmen anniversary to the death of dissidents to Tibetans setting themselves on fire. Predictably, the Chinese papers stayed away from these subjects entirely. What did they focus on instead? The Shanghai Cooperation Organization. Featuring: China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan. ...

So… Confucius, huh? What a douche. Just kidding. We’re cool, dog. *imaginary 4th Century BC fist bump* But the Confucius Institute has been at the center of a Chinese editorial free-for-all for a good part of the week. So who is the party-line hate focused at this week? Dalai Lama? Rabiya Kadeer? Democracy? Ai Weiwei? Free Press? Foreigners? Hollywood? The Internet? ...

What a cunt. This is Yang Rui. You can’t really see it, but I have it on good authority that his tie is the foreskin for his head. You may have glimpsed him on TV. I haven’t. Because if I ever did see him on TV, I would own a TV with a shoe in it. ...

The “Western press” -- and “the West” in general -- got a pretty good beating in Chinese editorials this week. Mostly, the Western media got accused of, shall we say, imaginary things, dreamed up in Hu Xijin’s prion-addled brain under his dead-rat hairpiece. We’ll discuss some of the “Western media’s” perceived slights, sins and misdemeanors this week, all dreamed up by nincompoops who work in the leviathan ...

I thought I would do a Chen-free column this week, but the Global Times didn’t let me. On a political level, this is what happened last week at the American embassy: ...

There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French. Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle. ...

Strict Party governance vitally needed Global Times | April 16, 2012 19:48 By Shan Renping Since we had a pop at the laughably insane Hu Xijin last week, this week’s propaganda piñata will be Shan Renping. Now, Shan is by no means as high profile as Hu Xijin, but he makes up for it by being more hateful and intellectually repulsive. Unfortunately, Shan is a rather difficult party proselytizer to find, much ...