First:
SPACE!
[Ed's note: TAR originally sent that in 100-point Rockwell Extra Bold font, which, sadly, we cannot replicate in this space, nor can we make it flash. Consider fuchsia a compromise.]
Space is awesome. Everything that happens in space is cooler than Earth. When I was in high school, I met an astronaut. I asked him, “How do you poop?” and I was genuinely interested in the answer. That does not apply to ANY other job.
So, the Chinese government has taken all the good stuff off the Internet, from porn to videos of monkeys sniffing their own butts. Radio, television and film are all under the thumb of the oppressively stupid and black-marker-happy SARFT. And let’s not even get started on the sorrowfully sodomized social media.
First, KATO!
No, not that Kato. Yoshikazu Kato.
He’s a Japanese writer who has written for the Financial Times, Oriental Outlook and… and… The Global Times?!
You don't know Yoshikazu? He’s the filthy Jap Devil who wants to steal/buy islands from the motherland.
A lot of things happened this week, from the Tiananmen anniversary to the death of dissidents to Tibetans setting themselves on fire. Predictably, the Chinese papers stayed away from these subjects entirely. What did they focus on instead? The Shanghai Cooperation Organization.
Featuring: China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.
So… Confucius, huh?
What a douche.
Just kidding. We’re cool, dog. *imaginary 4th Century BC fist bump*
But the Confucius Institute has been at the center of a Chinese editorial free-for-all for a good part of the week. So who is the party-line hate focused at this week? Dalai Lama? Rabiya Kadeer? Democracy? Ai Weiwei? Free Press? Foreigners? Hollywood? The Internet?
What a cunt.
This is Yang Rui. You can’t really see it, but I have it on good authority that his tie is the foreskin for his head. You may have glimpsed him on TV. I haven’t. Because if I ever did see him on TV, I would own a TV with a shoe in it.
The “Western press” -- and “the West” in general -- got a pretty good beating in Chinese editorials this week. Mostly, the Western media got accused of, shall we say, imaginary things, dreamed up in Hu Xijin’s prion-addled brain under his dead-rat hairpiece. We’ll discuss some of the “Western media’s” perceived slights, sins and misdemeanors this week, all dreamed up by nincompoops who work in the leviathan’s anal prolapse that is Chinese media.
I thought I would do a Chen-free column this week, but the Global Times didn’t let me.
On a political level, this is what happened last week at the American embassy:
There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French.
Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle.
Strict Party governance vitally needed Global Times | April 16, 2012 19:48 By Shan Renping
Since we had a pop at the laughably insane Hu Xijin last week, this week’s propaganda piñata will be Shan Renping. Now, Shan is by no means as high profile as Hu Xijin, but he makes up for it by being more hateful and intellectually repulsive. Unfortunately, Shan is a rather difficult party proselytizer to find, much in line with the traditional problem propagandists face (i.e. hiding so that people don’t beat them to death with sticks). So in lieu of a picture, I have provided a dramatization of what he looks like:
