To Serve People Tiananmen Special: The Global Times Reminds You To Shut The Fuck Up

TAR Tiananmen 1
Global Times chose June 4 to publish two editorials about how the Internet and media need to be brutally censored. One editorial is by Shan Renping -- the party’s stupidest editorial lapdog -- and the other is from the rat-infested oozing pile of vomit and bile shat through the vagina of a dead yet zombified tapeworm screaming at the top of its intestines, Hu Xijin. Let’s start with Hu: “Web regulation in public's best interest”

China Creating Super Viruses, Just ‘Cause

Chinese super virus H1N1 H5N1
China is mixing deadly H5N1 bird flu viruses with H1N1 swine flu viruses. You heard that right. The virus can already be passed between guinea pigs, which are used in these experiments as some sort of guinea pigs. They are making pigs and birds science-bone each other until they come up with some sort of superbug.... Read more »

BJC Redux: The PRC’s “Human Rights Record Of The United States,” Explained

Human Rights Record of the United States
Ed’s note: On April 19, the US Department of State published its annual Country Reports on Human Rights Practices, which included a section on China. It was typical, mundane, and features nothing you don’t already know, including restriction of Uighur and Tibetan movement, harassment of journalists and dissidents, prison labor, discrimination, extrajudicial killings, etc. On... Read more »

To Serve People: Ai Weiwei vs. Global Times Reveals Propaganda Can Be A Fickle Mistress

TAR Ai Weiwei vs GT
On Tuesday night, the Global Times published an article damning Elton John for dedicating his performance to Ai Weiwei and encouraging Chinese people to boo future similar performers off the stage. On the same day, GT published “‘Top thinkers’ list a reflection of US values,” a scathing indictment of Foreign Policy’s list, which features, among others, Ai Weiwei.

You Think The Onion Is Wacky? People’s Daily Really, Truly Loves Kim Jong-Un

TAR Kim Jong-Un
The flagship CPC newspaper People’s Daily is, well, it’s a bit, you know. It’s rubbish. The design is terrible, the editorials are as pleasant as a shirt of broken glass and Captain Crunch, they have military equipment on their flash home page every day and their non-CPC related stories have the detached insouciance of a disabled child petting a kitten too hard.

To Serve People: A Southeast Asian Platter Of Islands That’s China’s, All China’s

Southeast Asia coastlines
The South China Sea is pretty boring to most people, normal people. But China’s reaction to politics in the region is priceless, a full-on charm/punching offensive in Southeast Asia. The Association of Southeast Asian Nations held a summit last week, during which we learned China has territorial disputes with, well, just about every member with a coastline.

To Serve People: No One Loathes Porn Like China’s New Master Of The Dark Arts

Liu Yunshan
His name is Liu Yunshan, and here’s why you should care: this will be (has been) the guy blocking your Twitter and New York Times, slowing down your Internet speed, ramping up diplomatic bile, telling Hu Xijin what to write in his god-awful columns and basically making China a worse place for everyone. He has had experience, but now, he has a seat at the big table.

Under The Banner Of The Celestial Kingdom

Banners, banners, banners
The Party Congress is, mercifully, over. For those of us here in Beijing, it feels good, like a massive cold-water colon cleanse. Now with the brown-nosers out of the city, we can reflect. Now that it’s over, I mourn the loss of the banners. The propaganda rags had a few different roles to play during the Congress. 1) Don’t report bad news. 2) Make sure everyone loves the Congress. 3) Love our dear leaders. 4) Publish editorial rimjobs about the Party Congress. 5) Convince people that change will happen gradually, after they die. 6) Hate the US and their pussy-ass elections. 7) Bang on about the Party Congress, no matter how boring and un-news-like, until you kill yourself, go on, do it, just kill yourself. Do it. You pansy. Go on. You don’t have the balls, do you? Do it. DO IT!

To Serve People: Hate Week: Five Days Of Chinese Media Hating On The US

Hillary Clinton the bitch
The phrase “China-bashing” has taken hold in the propaganda rags. Disgust, indignation and odium are liable to rain down like bukkake. This past week, government papers shot out editorial upon editorial on two occasions when US entities spoke about China. In one instance, it was presidential nominees; in the other, it involved arguably the greatest newspaper in the history of modern print journalism.

To Serve People: It’s Okay To Have Different Views If You’re A Traitor

Japan!
“Public accepts other views despite anger” is a piece from He Hu Should Not Be Named (or born for that matter) about some 2,200 tourists aboard the cruise ship Costa Victoria. “Tourists?” I hear you say through my mind's ear-hole. Yes, tourists. They did something insidious, something unthinkable, something that will make your blood boil and your bones do the dougie. They went to…

To Serve People: Global Times Harasses Torture Victim For Winning The German Peace Prize, That Prick

To Serve People
Liao Yiwu won the 2012 Peace Prize of the German Book Trade, causing Global Times columnist Shan Renping to act like a baby, a baby in sore need of being bashed against a tree. The media went balls-to-the wall, calling Liao insane for, perhaps overzealously, shouting at his acceptance speech, saying China was an “ever-expanding garbage dump” and “an inhumane empire with bloody hands” (note: true, but who hasn’t been to a bachelor party like that). At the end, he shouted “the empire must break apart” six times.

What If Aaron Sorkin’s “The Newsroom” Were Set In China?

Chinese Newsroom
By TAR Nation and RFH Ed's note: TAR and RFH have diametrically opposed opinions about Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom, starring Jeff Daniels as a news anchor who, in one lapse of honesty, sees his world turned upside-down. Characters sing "arias of facts," as the New Yorker's review put it, which sounds a lot like what news organizations closer to home -- in China -- do. So, TAR and RFH set aside their disagreements about The Newsroom to write a pitch for a show called Chinese Newsroom. TV producers out there: pick this up!

To Serve People: Hu: The Man Who Lets the Dogs Out

Hu Xijin
Hu “The Gelded Fuckwit” Xijin took a moment this week to remind everyone that no one should pay any attention whatsoever to the Nobel Prize, unless it is won by a Chinese person that has yet to get in trouble. Having hated the West, Westerners, the Nobel Prize and human thought for his entire “journalistic” career, Hu “The Pitiless Twat” Xijin was surprised by the Nobel Committee’s choice.

To Serve People: Chinese Media Is A Jealous, Insecure, Peevish Teenage Girl

GT footer
First: SPACE! [Ed's note: TAR originally sent that in 100-point Rockwell Extra Bold font, which, sadly, we cannot replicate in this space, nor can we make it flash. Consider fuchsia a compromise.] Space is awesome. Everything that happens in space is cooler than Earth. When I was in high school, I met an astronaut. I asked him, “How do you poop?” and I was genuinely interested in the answer. That does not apply to ANY other job.

To Serve People: China Will SCO You Through The Spanish Announce Table

To Serve People - SCO
A lot of things happened this week, from the Tiananmen anniversary to the death of dissidents to Tibetans setting themselves on fire. Predictably, the Chinese papers stayed away from these subjects entirely. What did they focus on instead? The Shanghai Cooperation Organization. Featuring: China, Russia, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan and Uzbekistan.

For Your Consideration: Jonathan Kos-Read Is A Turd

JKR 1
When I was younger and had hope, “The Cask of Amontillado” was my favorite story, mainly because readers are never given a clue as to the offense committed by Fortunato to warrant such hatred. Similarly, I shall not mention the offense committed by Jonathan Kos-Read to merit the proceeding onslaught. However, I will endeavor to be as professional as possible. Now, here is a doctored photo of him at the entrance to Birkenau, taken from a folder on my desktop entitled DIE JONATHAN DIE.