The PRC’s “Human Rights Record Of The United States In 2011” Explained

Human rights record of the US 2011 featured image
Last Friday, the State Council Information Office of the People's Republic of China published a report called The Human Rights Record of the United States in 2011. It was in response to the US State Department's Country Reports on Human Rights Practices for 2011, which featured information on about 200 countries, China included. China's report, published on Xinhua, et al., was about 8,000 words. We read it so you don't have to -- and brought in TAR Nation to explain what it all means.

To Serve People: Confucius Say, Shut The F*ck Up, Chinese Media

To Serve People - Confucius
So… Confucius, huh? What a douche. Just kidding. We’re cool, dog. *imaginary 4th Century BC fist bump* But the Confucius Institute has been at the center of a Chinese editorial free-for-all for a good part of the week. So who is the party-line hate focused at this week? Dalai Lama? Rabiya Kadeer? Democracy? Ai Weiwei? Free Press? Foreigners? Hollywood? The Internet?

To Serve People: So… Yang Rui, huh?

To Serve People - Yang Rui
What a cunt. This is Yang Rui. You can’t really see it, but I have it on good authority that his tie is the foreskin for his head. You may have glimpsed him on TV. I haven’t. Because if I ever did see him on TV, I would own a TV with a shoe in it.

To Serve People: China Hungry! Smash Western Media And The West!

Anderson Cooper
The “Western press” -- and “the West” in general -- got a pretty good beating in Chinese editorials this week. Mostly, the Western media got accused of, shall we say, imaginary things, dreamed up in Hu Xijin’s prion-addled brain under his dead-rat hairpiece. We’ll discuss some of the “Western media’s” perceived slights, sins and misdemeanors this week, all dreamed up by nincompoops who work in the leviathan’s anal prolapse that is Chinese media.

To Serve People: In Defense Of The French, At Least Hu Xijin Isn’t French

Just call him TAR
There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French. Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle.

To Serve People: “Ethics” Training, India’s Missile, And Shan Renping, Please Take Your Place In The Pillory

Shan Renping
Strict Party governance vitally needed Global Times | April 16, 2012 19:48 By Shan Renping Since we had a pop at the laughably insane Hu Xijin last week, this week’s propaganda piñata will be Shan Renping. Now, Shan is by no means as high profile as Hu Xijin, but he makes up for it by being more hateful and intellectually repulsive. Unfortunately, Shan is a rather difficult party proselytizer to find, much in line with the traditional problem propagandists face (i.e. hiding so that people don’t beat them to death with sticks). So in lieu of a picture, I have provided a dramatization of what he looks like:

To Serve People: A Global Times Special!

To Serve People GT01
Progress making dissidents more obsolete Global Times | April 9, 2012 00:13 The Man: For those of you who haven’t heard, Fang Lizhi, a crusader for human rights in China and a brilliant physicist and teacher, died last week. I can’t pretend to have been a follower due largely to my relative youth, but, frankly, I have a soft spot for nerds, physicists especially.

To Serve People: What Exactly Is “Western Media”?

To Serve People
A few may notice a name change for this week’s column. That’s because everything I think about the Chinese media is wrong, and I simply bask in the freedom given to me by the glorious motherland. Anyway, it has been a slim week for Chinese editorials, as they took a break from America bashing, CCP asslicking and Tomb-Sweeping Day banality. Still, we carry on the best we can.

To Serve People: BJC’s New Weekly Column In Which Chinese Media Is Taken To The Stocks

To Serve People
The Top 4 Bullshit Editorials This Week | March 24-31 4. Heritage threatened as tomb-sweeping goes online Global Times | March 29 Tomb Sweeping Day is a yadayada bollockybollock from the reign of emperor Bull Wangle during the Hu Cares Dynasty in the Flerteenth Century. Apparently, people are doing whatever it is that people do on Tomb Sweeping Day online nowadays -- which, from the cartoon in Global Times, we can assume is getting high and watching Karate Kid through Wolverine claws:

Anelka And Shanghai Shenhua FC Are In Beijing Tonight, And This Is Why You Should Root Against Them

Anelka and wife
So... the French. Their language sounds like a bit of old pudding being forced through a keyhole. Their attitude and manners are somewhere between a toaster and mildly mentally-deficient groundhog. And their only useful purpose, as far as I can see, is keeping the Germans away from the Spaniards, who seem really quite nice. The French are rubbish.