A weekly column in which Chinese media is taken to the stocks.
By TAR Nation
So, the Chinese government has taken all the good stuff off the Internet, from porn to videos of monkeys sniffing their own butts. Radio, television and film are all under the thumb of the oppressively stupid and black-marker-happy SARFT. And let’s not even get started on the sorrowfully sodomized social media.
But then again, it doesn’t take all that to make fun of the CPC, a trundling soviet behemoth of inanity. In fact, using 21st-century video-sharing technology feels like cheating. So today, we’ll use gifs, a tech that began in 1987. Gifs are small, easy to make and can even show up on comment forums. What’s more, no one has banned gif sites yet. Here’s the best part: they never stop. Ever. Long after you have died, that gif of a happy-slapping will live on in some far-flung corner of the Internet, again, and again, and again. LONG LIVE THE GIF!
Lesson 1: How to address the Sino-Russian relationship
Example: China, Russia offset West’s actions in Syria (Global Times)
“The West should not expect China and Russia’s cooperation if it insists on dictating its own values and mindsets to the world by any means it can. It will instead find China and Russia standing in its way.”
Use: Savage man-love
Lesson 2: How to address China’s senseless US hatred
Example: Delayed apology, delayed justice (People’s Daily)
“The founding principle of the United States is that all men are created equal, which has become a national faith and moral standard for the country to make propaganda and education in the world.”
Use: The wisdom of a young Will Smith
Lesson 3: How to respond to the nonstop douchery of China’s “rapid development”
Example: EVERY EDITORIAL EVER (Global Times, all)
Use: Dismissive wanking
Or, since there are so many, you might need this one as a backup:
(Note: I had to type “wanking gif” into google to get that. Just – just, ya know – don’t do that.)
Lesson 4: How to respond to matters concerning Japan
Example: Provocation by Japanese official over Diaoyu Islands detrimental to ties with China (Xinhua)
“Given the complex and sensitive nature of the issue, upon which the general atmosphere of China-Japan relations hinge, Japanese politicians at both central and local levels perhaps should exercise caution in their remarks and should not take any provocative moves.”
If you don’t give a damn, use George Takei prancing about
If you do give a damn, use crazy Japanese girl telling a bunch of bricks to eat a dick with her head
Lesson 5: How to deal with condescension and criticism about being a filthy uncivilized foreigner
Example: Cliches can’t reach foreign audiences (Global Times)
“When we talk to foreigners, if we simply apply the expressions we’re used to at home, they will be hard for foreigners to accept, which in turn hinders mutual understanding.”
Use: Offended gorilla
Lesson 6: How to deal with the Dalia Lama
Example: Hosting Dalai Lama must come at a high price (Global Times)
“China has become accustomed to paying the price for safeguarding its core interests. Now it should let Western countries make the choice: pay the price for meeting Dalai or avoid showing off their nobility of freedom.”
Use: Group facepalm
Or, use the llama that looks deep into your soul
There, six easy ways to be annoying in China using technology from 1987. This is definitely because it is relevant and not because I was way too busy to write a proper column this week. And, in gifworld, this is how we say goodbye.
I think that lama really did see into my soul, it was quite moving. Does it charge for ‘soul readings’?
I think I could learn a lot from a lama like that, as long as I prostrate myself enough times.
Someone should make a gif from the Dalai Lama’s BBC interview when he spoke about Mao. His hand gestures for “chopsticks” and “chain smoking” are both quite similar…