Look How State Media Is Spinning The Failure Of China’s Latest Anti-Porn Crackdown

China's latest anti-porn campaign
China's anti-porn crackdown -- its latest, I mean, in a long line of many -- isn't going as well as planned, because apparently porn is hard to block and everyone watches it, so the propaganda spinners have gone into overdrive to frame the story in a new light. If you want to see Chinese state media at its best / worst, these are the moments you cherish, when it completely jumps the shark.

No Internet Freedom Without Internet Order, Says Obviously Batshit People’s Daily

People's Daily wearing jester's cap
People's Daily has had an eventful week. Last Monday it called the New York Times "circling vultures" for an article on Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370; on Friday it sought "immediate rectification" from a parody Twitter account, @relevantorgans; then, somehow, it got a guest editorial out of Bill Gates. But PD truly tops itself with this next thing, because these are words that someone actually wrote. Via Reuters:

Astrill Down, PornHub Down [UPDATE]

Astrill down
We're still awaiting word from Astrill support, but in case you're wondering, yes, the popular VPN service is down -- both the website and service itself. We don't know if it has anything to do with China, but probably not -- "technical problem," says Astrill.com. Look at that emoticon - that is the sorriest goddamn sad-face I've ever seen.

Children’s Books Banned For Spreading “Pornography”

Those Who Don't Read It Upside-down Are Pigs
A book called Those Who Don't Read It Upside-down Are Pigs, among others, has been seized for "spreading pornography," according to Xinhua, as edited by Global Times. And two publishers, China Pictorial Publishing House and Shaanxi Normal University Publishing House, have been suspended for three months.

An Interview With Guda, Star And Producer Of The Xinhua-Endorsed Fetish Film “Lethal Injection”

Xinhua confuses porn 4
In the above picture, a doctor is about to administer a lethal injection to the woman being strapped to the bed. It's a stark and somber scene, only more shocking because a cameraman was allowed to document, close-up, the stages of a real-life execution. At least, that's what Xinhua, the official press agency of the People's Republic of China, thought when it published a slideshow titled, “Actual Record of Female Inmate’s Execution – Exposing the World’s Darkest Side.”

Xinhua, Once Again, Accidentally Publishes Porno

Xinhua confuses porn 30
It's been a while since our friends at Xinhua have done something truly absurd, but today, China's official state-run news agency has really outdone itself. The culprit this time is not Xinhua's English-language slideshow, but a Chinese edition, which recently published 40 pictures that appear to be screenshots from a fetish porno.

The Hadrian Firewall Of Britain Will Keep Us Safe

David Cameron as Big Brother
Today, barbarians of the unruly and unruled Internet are less dangerous. Today, your sleep will be sounder, your dreams more colorful, your future freer. For today, Britain, you are one step closer to achieving China's harmony-promoting, children-protecting Net filtration system, which we lovingly refer to as the Great Firewall. And how great it is: no porn, because it can be eradicated like rats; no discussion of historical events, so as not to offend the sensibilities of certain mothers who would prefer to forget those things ever happened; no YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, New York Times, or Bloomberg, because screw 'em; and no dissent (and why would there be dissent?). Hadrian's Firewall, we'll call it. You'll love it, as we do.

Senior Chinese Pornography Censor Watches A Lot Of Porn, Hates It

Senior porn official, 70, hates his censorship job
We talk about censors as if they weren't real, but SCMP serves us this useful reminder that the people deleting your videos, expurgating articles, handcuffing artists, destroying the TV and entertainment industry, and -- the of course of "of courses" -- blocking porn, are made of flesh and blood, with intellectual capacities, however stunted, and human desires. Well, some used to have human desires, before they were forced to watch porn all day. Desensitized, sex is but gymnastics with bad theatrics, something to pass the time, like a run on the treadmill.

Accused NASA Spy Bo Jiang’s Worst Offense May Have Been Downloading Porn, According To US Justice System

NASA astronaut porn
Bo Jiang, the suspected Chinese spy who was pulled off a plane on March 16 just as it was preparing to fly him out of the country, downloaded more than just classified NASA documents and sensitive information, as revealed by Bloomberg. Actually, let’s back up a bit. Did he actually possess classified NASA documents and state... Read more »

Melissa Murphy’s Pre-Makeup Shots Of Porn Stars, All 93 Of Them, Has Made It To China: Thanks, NetEase

Allie Haze
You know this already, we’re sure, because you surf the Internet, but if not, here’s the quick and dirty: Melissa Murphy is a makeup artist who does work with porn stars and nude models, making them look like plastic sex objects instead of human beings a regular person might shake hands with. (Read her interview with... Read more »

Pandas Having Sex! [NSFW, If You Have Panda Coworkers]

Panda sex closeup
I don’t want to steal pageviews from Sina English, which has just published probably its funniest set of captions ever, so go over there and check out “Zoo plays AV to help pandas mate.” They run a total of three pictures, the captions to each are as follows:

China Shutters 225 Websites And More Than 30,000 Microblogs For “Obscene Content,” But Not PornHub

Ron Jeremy facepalm
China ostensibly hates porn — hates it with a passion and hates it despite reason – but its state news organization links to it and — as the running joke with us goes — one particular porn site, the 39th most popular in the US, remains unblocked. To clarify: that’s 39th most popular website, not just porn site, and 65th... Read more »

Is This The World’s First And Worst (Best?) Porn?

World's first porno 3
The art of eroticism has come a long way since 2000 BC. Check out these petroglyphs from the Bronze Age – the Kangjiashimenji Petroglyphs — found in Xinjiang. Slate’s Mary Mycio reports they were discovered in the late-80s by archaeologist Wang Binghua, with Jeannine Davis-Kimball being the first Westerner to see them.

Former Chinese State TV Broadcaster Sen Luo Arrested For Possessing “Extreme Porn”

Jan Meza porn star
We know porn's a no-no in China, but did you know that in its "extreme" form it's also illegal in Britain? One former CCTV presenter does -- now that he's facing up to three years in prison. "Sen Luo, 40, had more than 800 videos on his laptop and hard-drives and claimed he needed them to 'research' a Sex and the City-style book," according to The Sun. "But jurors found him guilty of two counts of possessing extreme pornography."

Adult Film Star Diana Pang Enters Chinese Politics, Is Instantly Popular

Diana Pang 1
Search "actress Diana Pang" on Google, and right under the hit for her Wikipedia page, you'll find images such as the above. We're not just skin-baiting here. This busty buxom, star of such softcore porn films as Erotic Ghost Story - Perfect Match and Evil Instinct, known as the "divine bosom," according to Want China Times, might be entering the one arena that's dirtier than porn: politics.

Baidu Autofill Reinforces Stereotype That Americans Love Sluts

Baidu American consulate search 4
Surely you’re aware of the Google autofill / autocomplete meme? For instance, someone types the words “i accidentally” into a Google search bar as part of a longer phrase, but Google presumes you’re too lazy to finish your five-word sentence, so it helpfully offers a pulldown list of possible searches such as “i accidentally the whole... Read more »