“Gangster Panda” Is Incredible

Gangster Panda 3
So, before I begin, I guess I should get one thing out of the way: I write that show that all expats seem to hate but Chinese people seem to like – see the sketch I wrote about potatoes. Yes, of course you could no doubt do it better; and yes, I agree, why do they even bother employing us? We’re not even funny. Now that I’ve saved you the hassle of leaving those sentiments in the comments section, I’ll get to the nitty gritty.

These Are Probably The Most Frightening Panda Pictures Ever

Creepy panda by Ami Vitale featured image
The Guardian recently published a series of photos by Ami Vitale, who was given exclusive access to the Wolong National Nature Reserve in Chengdu to photograph the giant panda, a creature that you and I and the general public knows as comely and cute. Vitale, however, reveals a darker, sinister side, a world of paraphilia, cages, and kinkplay in which China's national symbol is transformed into an object of flesh that -- willingly or unwillingly -- engages in deviant sex and/or some sort of atavistic fetishism. Prepare to never look at pandas the same way -- or the bipeds who love them.

Read: “The Biwalkers” And Other Stories From 4th Annual That’s Shanghai Erotic Fiction Competition

That's Shanghai erotic fiction
The bawdy and good folk of That's Shanghai have published the three winning entries from its erotic fiction competition held earlier this month at Glamour Bar as part of the Capital M Literary Festival. (You might remember Jacob Dreyer's review of the event for this site, which was heavy on Bai Ling.) As That's editor Ned Kelly so delicately summarizes:

First Lady Michelle Obama Feeding Pandas Makes For Innocent Viewing Delight

First Lady Michelle Obama Feeding Pandas featured image
I didn't intend to publish this video via WhiteHouse.gov's "The First Lady's Trip to China" blog -- it's Michelle Obama and her family's last day in China, spent in Chengdu with pandas -- but near the minute-mark, I found myself inadvertently chuckling at the sight of a panda pawing, with oversized mitts, at a slice of apple dangling from a hole, and -- you know what? -- why the heck not, here's the First Lady and family feeding pandas.

Finally, Someone Made It Happen: “The Panda,” A Parody Of Ylvis’s “The Fox”

The Panda - parody of Ylvis The Fox
Ylvis's hit "The Fox" (What Does the Fox Say?) was the surprise viral song of the late summer. We can't believe it's taken all of nearly two months, but here, finally, is a parody of that video set in China, featuring that other wonderfully mysterious creature of the woods, by which we mean -- of course -- the giant panda.

Panda Gives Birth To Year’s First Panda Twins

Panda gives birth to twins
Talk about a publicity and soft power machine for China. On Saturday, June 22, a female panda named Haizi gave birth to twins at a conservation center in Wolong, and everyone is talking about it, from BBC to AP to the Telegraph, which reports:

Please Enjoy This Adorable Red Panda Named Firefox Doing Pull-Ups In Fuzhou

Red panda does pull-ups 2
This is already more than a week old, but it's too good to dismiss on those grounds. Check out this red panda at the Fuzhou Panda World in Fujian province, being all adorable to ridiculous levels. His name is Firefox, and it's no mere raccoon. In this 30-second clip, it basically makes everyone forget that other type of panda. We're told the red pandas at this reserve can also balance on balls and ride electric vehicles.

This Is The Saddest Fucking Panda

Lanzhou panda
The Sina Weibo user who posted this picture, @哥不一搬3285043987, appears to have absonded from social media, but he/she thinks this giant panda in Lanzhou, Gansu province is dying because the zoo can’t feed it. The post: Lanzhou City Zoo’s panda is the world’s saddest panda. Thin and dirty. So hungry it can’t even walk. Supervisors... Read more »