To Serve People: In Defense Of The French, At Least Hu Xijin Isn’t French

Just call him TAR
There are many things I love about China. But the thing I really, really hate is that they occasionally make me stand up for things I can’t stand. Like the French. Normally, I would just make fun of the French and their chocolate-bread-eating ways, but in the face of such madness from the Global Times, just call me TAR de’Gaulle.

To Serve People: A Global Times Special!

To Serve People GT01
Progress making dissidents more obsolete Global Times | April 9, 2012 00:13 The Man: For those of you who haven’t heard, Fang Lizhi, a crusader for human rights in China and a brilliant physicist and teacher, died last week. I can’t pretend to have been a follower due largely to my relative youth, but, frankly, I have a soft spot for nerds, physicists especially.

China’s Official Press Agency Loves Those Sexy Teen Models

Xinhua, believe it or not
Let’s play a guessing game. What kind of website would host a series of pictures such as the above? Cracked.com? (Too classy, probably.) Bro Bible? Frat House Sports? Slingshot? Surely one of those sites with features like “The 50 Bustiest Girls on Facebook” and pop-up video ads. One of those sites in which a new... Read more »

Global Times Has Topped Itself With Latest Headline: “Baidu is not a condom, rules court”

Baidu condom
The story in its entirety: A Shenzhen-based condom company must stop branding its products with “Baidu,” Beijing No.1 Intermediate People’s Court ruled yesterday, in favor of the condom’s namesake search engine company. The court found the condom manufacturer, Yelaixiang, violated Baidu’s right to the name because it deliberately used the well-known brand to attract attention,... Read more »

To Serve People: BJC’s New Weekly Column In Which Chinese Media Is Taken To The Stocks

To Serve People
The Top 4 Bullshit Editorials This Week | March 24-31 4. Heritage threatened as tomb-sweeping goes online Global Times | March 29 Tomb Sweeping Day is a yadayada bollockybollock from the reign of emperor Bull Wangle during the Hu Cares Dynasty in the Flerteenth Century. Apparently, people are doing whatever it is that people do on Tomb Sweeping Day online nowadays -- which, from the cartoon in Global Times, we can assume is getting high and watching Karate Kid through Wolverine claws:

Twitter Trackback For Global Times: We Hardly Knew Ya

GT Twitter
By Eric Fish Last week I noticed Global Times began a new Twitter trackback feature. It displayed what tweeters were saying about articles right under the article itself. One of the first pieces this was used on was called “The truth about Tibet is slowly coming to light.” The article itself had a number of... Read more »

‘22,000 Kilometers’ And ‘18,000 Kilometers’ Are Bound To Become This Country’s Next ‘5000 Years’

Well shit, if it ain't Big Swingin' Dick,
The phrase “5,000 years,” which we’ve borrowed by way of parody to indicate “culture” on this website, is a ubiquitous catch-all response to anyone who disputes this country’s eminence, quality, or worth. It is used to indicate China’s uninterrupted history — 5,000 years of it, don’t you know? — though its appearance in conversation, in my... Read more »

Today In Global Times Erotic Panda Fiction

Panda - GT
From Global Times, partially: Giant pandas Gongzai and Yingying seem unusually excited. Gongzai wants Yingying to come down from the tree and he tugs and slaps his half-brother’s legs. They both fall on their fluffy bottoms and start wrestling in a ball of black-white fur. After the fun is over they walk away and begin... Read more »