A Satirist Is On The Loose In Global Times Again

Global Times satirist Amulet Mok

Amulet Mok, you cheeky bastard. If that is your real name!

You ever have that very moment when every single cell of your body was aroused and your body was open for anything?

Oh dear.

And all of a sudden, the guy just stopped right then and there because he found you lying there like a starfish?

What we have here, of course, is a worthy successor to Alessandro, who we wrote about on December 5, 2012, in a post titled, “Be Afraid, State Media: Alessandro Is Still Out There.”

But why linger in the past? Let’s hear more from Amulet Mok:

Me too. I had to beg the guy to continue to take my virginity. I wish the ground could open and swallow me up. I was 23 and thought I was too old to be a virgin.

We’ll pause here to remind everyone that this article, “Never sleep with a virgin,” appeared in state-sponsored Global Times. If you’re enjoying this so far, you most definitely will not enjoy these other GT pieces:

Continue, Mr. Mok:

In a country where the majority of men all fancy of taking a girl’s virginity to boost their ego, many women were surprised that their virginity freaks out many foreigners.

With you so far.

The average age of losing your virginity in China is 21.9. So if you are going to sleep with a 30-year-old virgin, before you do anything, you have to ask yourself this question, “How on earth did she end up a virgin at 30?”

Not the most polite thing to print, but go on…

When it comes to deflowering a virgin over 25 or 30, the potential for a guy to freak out is high.

Um.

It is known that many women’s first time is an emotional experience, a combination of blood, panic, guilt, pain and tears. And most of the time it is guaranteed to be bad sex. All pain, no orgasm.

Oh…

Still, many of my foreign friends chose to ignore reality and take the plunge. It is because Chinese women are “smart, sweet and smoking hot,” one of my friends explained. Soon he found out that the “smart, sweet and smoking hot Chinese woman in her late 20s” he devirginized turned into a clingy lover and stalker. He freaked out and left her.

Skipping ahead just slightly — however it pains me to skip the line, “Sometimes a devirginized woman could be as toxic as the smog in Beijing” — here’s a fun little dig at pollution alarmists:

We now know many foreigners are planning to leave the capital due to the pollution, but I wonder how many of them are thinking about leaving thanks to the women they bedded.

Annnnnnnd the finale:

Condoms are just like women, they can be very annoying sometimes, but you can’t have sex without them.

Headshot.

In case this article doesn’t survive the night, we’ve screenshotted it:

Global Times Amulet Mok Never Sleep with a Virgin article

Never sleep with a virgin (Global Times)

11 Responses to “A Satirist Is On The Loose In Global Times Again”

  1. P.

    Satire or not, it’s poorly written crud. But if the Global Times is paying schnooks for this type of content, where do I sign up?

    Reply
    • ivancurtis

      Amulet Mok probably has a “masters degree” from a Chinese university and gets paid RMB 2000 per month to work full-time writing this kind of stuff.

      Reply
  2. Jacob

    Unrelatedly, it is really irritating that you guys reconfigured the page such that you can only see one story at a time. Is this some cheap yearning for page views? Thought of you all as above that.

    Reply
    • RhZ

      I doubt that’s intentional given the long sidebar which no longer has content next to it. It is annoying, though.

      Reply
  3. RhZ

    Mr. Mok?? Anthony you have a very dirty mind!

    Also too, the ones that aren’t virgins will turn into stalkers as well. So go for it!

    Reply
  4. FrankJ

    most readers misread this article. ‘virgin’ here means ‘fake virgin’ or ‘professional virgin’.

    作者是在隐射这种女孩:

    金宇澄:有一个饭局,一个女孩子,我也不知道她干嘛的,饭桌上有几个弄堂里边的人。有人问女孩子,你什么时候结婚啊?她回答说,我阿姨跟我讲,让我先包三年,到时候再说。我当时一惊,问她阿姨做啥,她说,我阿姨给一个日本人包着。

    有人事后说,弄堂里的小姑娘,如果找一个小职员结婚,之后就吵架,如果找一个高级干部,找一个优质的香港人、日本人生活三年,品位就上去了,腔调不一样了,气质也不一样了,不等于是上一个免费三年学习班吗?

    Reply

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