At the end of every year, the meejah publish lists: what’s what, what’s hot, what’s not, what’s frot — y’know, “Top 10 Worst Celebrity Red Carpet Frock Horrors!” and other such high-water marks for journalism.
But being lazy and living in China, we thought we’d wait until the end of the Dragon Year to do something similar. And seeing as we’re cheeky and crass, we thought we’d take a slightly different approach.
So here it is, our list of the 28 China-related Twitter accounts that, indiscriminately chosen via no particular criteria, have earned a place in our Hall of Flame. This collection took about five minutes to compile, so please don’t feel offended if you’re not included. There’s always next year…
Speaking of which, nominations are now open for yourself or others for future iterations of the Beijing Cream Twitterati.
Ai Weiwei, artist @aiww
Even the most mundane observation treated as holy writ.
— 艾未未 Ai Weiwei (@aiww) January 17, 2013
William Albano, techy @niub
Had us confused with @niubi for MONTHS. More confusingly, Albano’s website is Niubi.com.
Rural China Offers Big Opportunities, Too – Michael J. Silverstein – Harvard Business Review http://t.co/8ewE2XPv
— William Albano 艾惟 (@NiuB) February 7, 2013
Hu Xijin, editor @HuXijinGT
Responsible for everything you hate and love about Global Times. Lives under fake Qing-style bridge, probably. Follows only one other Twitter account: his own newspaper’s. You can’t make this shit up… can you, Mr. Hu?
The CPC's decision against Bo Xilai highlights that nobody is above the law and discipline in China. http://t.co/P2HiJ5OW
— Hu Xijin | 胡锡进 (@HuXijinGT) April 11, 2012
Shaun Rein, author @shanurein
Avowed “friend of China.” Keeps good, long memory for grudges – bit like his friends in government.
@niubi anthony tao worse than King Tubby. He allowed KT to write Rein-Goebbels award on his site. Disgusting. Unprofessional.I won't forget
— Shaun Rein (@shaunrein) January 7, 2013
Elyse Ribbons, thespian, MC, deleted Jackie Chan extra @iheartbeijing
Can always be counted on to humblebrag, be irritating, or fail to realize she’s being a humblebragging irritant. Took us exactly four seconds to find example tweet.
I love I find out that I'm in the morning papers by having a friend text me ;p http://t.co/lOPRRYOr
— Elyse Ribbons 柳素英 (@iheartbeijing) February 5, 2013
Kaiser Kuo, Henan native @kaiserkuo
Like Jimmy Page and Keith Richards before him, retired from rock ‘n roll to become PR frontman for tech giant.
Has anyone read the newest Umberto Eco novel "The Prague Cemetery"? Thoughts on it? Loved "Foucault's Pendulum," if that helps.
— Kaiser Kuo (@KaiserKuo) February 7, 2013
Jeremy Goldkorn, media consultant @goldkorn
Successful despite hailing from country that instituted Apartheid. Enjoys a sherry or two before recording podcasts.
I wish Lance Armstrong and Manti Te’o would disappear from my Twitter feed, but sadly, lots of people I follow are interested in them
— Jeremy Goldkorn 金玉米 (@goldkorn) January 18, 2013
Bill Bishop, unknown @niubi
Will assassinate you on Twitter, judging by his profile pic.
finally crossed 10,000 followers on sina weibo. maybe 150 are real, but happy i have not purchased any
— Bill Bishop (@niubi) May 17, 2012
Jim Boyce, bon vivant @beijingboyce
Nightlife blogger who hates life, nighttime
@melodychia Well, there's still Aussie wine, Cooper's, VB, meat pies and sausage rolls, Aussie burgers, Triple J, Frente, Dame Edna, etc.
— beijingboyce (@beijingboyce) January 18, 2013
Nicholas Kristof, journalist @nickkristof
It’s now a two-horse race between Nick Kristof and Tom Friedman on who can be the Tom Friedman of China.
NY Times apparently closes a loophole that allowed free access to the Website http://t.co/zjeLx2Gt
— Nicholas Kristof (@NickKristof) February 12, 2013
Cam MacMurchy, communications @zhongnanhai
Chummy Canadian loves to let you know about his lunch habits.
— Cam MacMurchy (@zhongnanhai) January 11, 2013
Charlie Custer, techy @chinageeks
Continues epistles about China from the safety of the US. Look, dogs!
even MY email got hacked (at least) once while I was in China, and I have no connections. Pretty sure it happens to real foreign media a lot
— Charlie Custer (@ChinaGeeks) February 1, 2013
Alicia Lui, consultant @alicialui1
Cat tweets and Buzzfeed, basically.
Ziggy sleeping next to the cactus in our nook. Lighting's good sunny inside but -9 celsius outside pic.twitter.com/aHJIguQs
— Alicia Lui (@AliciaLui1) January 3, 2013
This guy @akadashan
Too much Chinese.
— 大山 Dashan (@akaDashan) February 23, 2013
China Daily, media @chinadailyusa
Previous twitter account, @china_daily, “suspended.” It followed porn stars.
Chinese leaders send greetings for Lunar New Year http://t.co/DBitaiY8
— China Daily USA (@ChinaDailyUSA) February 8, 2013
Jonah Kessel, photographer @Jonah_Kessel
The below was tweeted after a series of interminable updates of his video uploading activities on Vimeo.
Ack. Just realized Vimeo settings are all being fed to Twitter. Apologizes. Fixing now.
— Jonah Kessel (@jonah_kessel) September 11, 2012
Yet the updates continue…
China Daily Show, humor @chinadailyshow
Tweeting behind a mask, often with punctuation or spelling typos that ruin the joke. Scurrilous.
'Don't write a China memoir' – 14 Snake Year resolutions you may not have considered http://t.co/p6J7J2ut
— China Daily Show (@chinadailyshow) February 17, 2013
The Beijinger, magazine @thebeijinger
Sigh x 1000.
@tiffwang And lord knows you've needed the help on more than one occasion!
— thebeijinger (@thebeijinger) January 29, 2013
That’s Beijing, the ghost of Mark Kitto, @thats_beijing
Is actually running our Twitter piece in this month’s magazine. Hmm.
New issue is out at a bar, restaurant or hotel near you. It's great for picking up girls.
— That's Beijing (@Thats_Beijing) December 28, 2012
Anthony Tao, Kansan @anthonytao
Ultimate Frisbee aka “supreme disc” aficionado who is random and irrelevant. Oh so weird.
I!N!T!E!R!N!E!T! @ NARITA
— Anthony Tao (@anthonytao) February 1, 2013
Miniharm, satire @miniharm
Logo reminds us of NAMbLA‘s. Content isn’t as likeable, sadly.
Nude toddler to face death penalty for mooning Li Keqiang. Flashing a senior party official is punishable by death. More as we get it.
— Ministry of Harmony (@Miniharm) February 7, 2013
City Weekend, biweekly @cityweekend
Matriarchal editorial staff yet to unleash the true power of feminism, more Kitty Weekend.
— City Weekend (@cityweekend) February 18, 2013
Kim Jong Number Un, “humor” @kimjongnumberun
The jokes about “Dad,” famine and swapping nukes for an iPhone 5 were amusing for about four tweets. Astonishingly, has nearly quarter-million followers; follows only one (Kim Kardashian). LOL?
People of North Korea: Please stop asking Siri where the food is.
— KimJongNumberUn (@KimJongNumberUn) January 9, 2013
Shanghaiist, blog @shanghaiist
If you’ve missed a story on Beijing Cream, don’t worry: it’ll probably turn up here.
More nom noms at Shanghaiist Food & Drink! Don't forget to follow us on Twitter at… http://t.co/LU6J4PQ7
— Shanghaiist.com (@shanghaiist) February 17, 2013
Want China Times, website @wantchinatimes
Unverified and thinly sourced. Also, the name. What next, Yum! Daily?
Glacier gets racier: Bikini shoot at Sichuan's Hailuogou http://t.co/3IIrSvNI
— Want China Times (@WantChinaTimes) February 11, 2013
Steve George, editor @steve0george
True believer in the expat mag. Basically an asshole.
— Steve George (@steve0george) February 14, 2013
Xinhua News, soft pornographer @XHNews
Always scooping foreign journalists on, well, everything, really.
Xi Jinping was appointed secretary-general of 18th National Congress of the Communist Party of China on Wednesday, a spokesman said.
— Xinhua News Agency (@XHNews) November 7, 2012
Beijing Cream, porn @beijingcream
Ribald, irreverent, snarky, meta, misinformed. “Slags.”
We're on autopilot today. If anything burns down, it wasn't our fault.
— Beijing Cream (@beijingcream) February 1, 2013
To slag this much is to love.