By Drake Moreau
When I came to, a Chinese girl was the only thing that stood between me and five Chinese guys. They had a certain glare in their eyes, I remember. Like Kujo. A rage that was nearing its apex, which, if reached, would spill over and spell the end of me. As I think back on that moment now, what comes to mind is an amazing song from the amazing movie Mulan: “You must be swift as the coursing rain (Be a Man!), with all the force of a great typhoon (Be a Man!), with all the strength of a raging fire (Be a Man!)…” I think that about sums up what was going through my head.
How did I get here? Let’s rewind and see.
Drew and I started the night off at his Season’s Park apartment with an excellent drinking game that I’d like to share. Step 1: Obtain a copy of Piranha 3D. Step 2: Drink every time you see boobs, a piranha or someone being eaten. Step 3: Take a shot every 15 minutes. Step 4: Repeat Steps 2 and 3 until the movie is over. Perhaps I should say something about the movie, starting with the opening scene, which is an “homage” to the opening of Jaws: Richard Dreyfus is in a fishing boat and gets eaten by a school of piranhas. That’s when you know you’re in for an amazing experience. And we haven’t even gotten to the boobs yet.
After the film, we made our way to First Floor, but after walking in and getting blown away by grenades (Jersey Shore lingo; don’t worry if you don’t know), we hopped in a cab and went to meet some friends at GT Banana. This is a dance club in the Jianguomen area. I think I had been before, but for all intents and purposes, this trip served as my inaugural experience.
At the door, I emptied the contents of my pocket looking for my wallet: keys, phone, iPod, condom, 5-mao piece… no wallet. Drew paid my cover. It took me 10 more minutes to stuff all the miscellany back in. We walked in and stood against a railing overlooking the dance floor. After slugging back a few more tequila shots, a Katy Perry song came on (or Lady Gaga or Flo Rida or even LMFAO, who cares?), and we decided to test the waters. I think Drew warned me about this, but I was still surprised when the dance floor started shifting up and down. At one point I had to brace myself in a surfer position, knees bent, weight slightly forward. Others should have taken note, because Drew and I spotted a few casualties. One was a girl a little too chubby for her own legs. Drew pretended like the blob was taking over and shrieked and ran off the dance floor. I was too busy dancing with a Chinese girl who eventually ended up sucking on my mouth like a suction cup. I had to really dig deep, particularly given how drunk I was, to find the strength to pull her off me. Then I ran after my friend.
Here’s where things get a bit dark in the part of my brain that registers shit.
Apparently, that girl found me and brought me back to her table. The guys didn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. (Said in the voice of the Joker from Dark Knight – you know what I’m talking about.) I caught one giving me the stink eye. I asked her if they didn’t like me because I was white. She said no, that’s what she liked most about me, then leapt on me like Harry Potter onto the Snitch. Before I knew it, somebody behind me grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off the couch.
So that’s where we are. I started blabbing about how racist they all were. All I was doing was talking to this lovely Chinese girl, and they didn’t like it because I wasn’t “like them.” I threw out terms like reverse discrimination and bigotry. I think they understood approximately none of it. Who knows if I even pronounced those words correctly.
I woke up on my bed with no money in my wallet, nothing stolen, and the condom wrapper only. If you can solve that riddle, well, then give me a shout.
