Exigencies Of The Heart: A 90-Day Program That Teaches Chinese Women To Find American Husbands

It’s not shameful to seek a companion to calm the exigencies of the heart, which swell like waves and retreat as quickly to beach sorrow on the shores of our body. But this woman — Liang Yali — is a swindler and sham. We think. Because what kind of slick snake salesperson would take advantage of another person’s loneliness to charge these prices — as reported by SCMP — for something called the Seek-a-Husband Training Programme?

Senior Chinese Pornography Censor Watches A Lot Of Porn, Hates It

Senior porn official, 70, hates his censorship job
We talk about censors as if they weren't real, but SCMP serves us this useful reminder that the people deleting your videos, expurgating articles, handcuffing artists, destroying the TV and entertainment industry, and -- the of course of "of courses" -- blocking porn, are made of flesh and blood, with intellectual capacities, however stunted, and human desires. Well, some used to have human desires, before they were forced to watch porn all day. Desensitized, sex is but gymnastics with bad theatrics, something to pass the time, like a run on the treadmill.

Are You Skilled At Masturbating Or Writing Paeans To That Art? Submissions Wanted

Pei Yuxin Guangzhou sex-ed
A professor at Guangzhou’s Sun Yat-sen University is soliciting tapes, poems, plays, and songs about masturbation as part of a research project-cum-contest called “New Media Contest on Masturbation.” As SCMP reports, “The rules are simple: submit your masturbation videos, poems, plays, or songs,” and the winner gets 10,000 yuan, with hefty cash prizes for second,... Read more »

Pandas Having Sex! [NSFW, If You Have Panda Coworkers]

Panda sex closeup
I don’t want to steal pageviews from Sina English, which has just published probably its funniest set of captions ever, so go over there and check out “Zoo plays AV to help pandas mate.” They run a total of three pictures, the captions to each are as follows:

Why Yes, In China, There Is A Corporate Training Industry To Teach Working Girls How To Snare You Using Social Apps

Social Apps to lure clients featured image
Those who use Momo and, to a lesser extent (but not much lesser), WeChat probably already know this, but social Apps are great for finding new and -- how shall we say -- temporary friends. However, if you are cruising around in the great murky sea trawling for bottles or booty, you open yourself up to getting hooked, too. Really open yourself up, actually, because you're going up against professionals.

Village Secretary Scandalized After Girlfriend Posts Naked Photo Of Him

Village official nude pic
Here’s a political sex scandal out of Jiangxi province with an unexpected twist. Qu Wenyuan, a village-level party secretary in Nanchang, Jiangxi, was recently suspended after his girlfriend posted a naked photo of him on Sina Weibo. Shanxi Evening News reports that Hu Dandan (pseudonym) posted the picture possibly as payback for his “corruption and gambling,” evidence for... Read more »

Blogger who exposed Lei Zhengfu, other sex scandals draws heat from police [UPDATE]

The East is Read
The “law” may have finally caught up with Zhu Ruifeng, the whistleblower who released sex tapes that busted 11 officials, including district Party boss Lei Zhengfu of Chongqing. Last night, scary cops visited his home in Beijing, saying they were from the local police station. “Zhu suspected that they had actually come from Chongqing and... Read more »

Baidu Autofill Reinforces Stereotype That Americans Love Sluts

Baidu American consulate search 4
Surely you’re aware of the Google autofill / autocomplete meme? For instance, someone types the words “i accidentally” into a Google search bar as part of a longer phrase, but Google presumes you’re too lazy to finish your five-word sentence, so it helpfully offers a pulldown list of possible searches such as “i accidentally the whole... Read more »

Dunce-Capped Mistress And Cowherd Kneel In Shenzhen To Protest Official Corruption

Shenzhen anti-mistress protest 3
With power, what does a man buy first? A mistress, of course, especially in this country, where it’s been said that “a man without a mistress is useless.” But in Shenzhen on Monday, someone held a little demonstration to push back against the practice of taking ernai (literally, “second wife”). Around Book City outside the Grand Theater... Read more »

From The Don’t-Try-This-At-Home Department: Sex Change Operation

Man cuts off penis
Another day, another man tries to cut off his own penis. Recently in Hong Kong, as Shanghaiist tells us via ON.cc (belonging to the Oriental Press Group), 29-year-old Mr. Luk from Hong Kong tried to castrate himself with pair of scissors. His subsequent scream woke his father, who immediately called the police and sent him to... Read more »

Now Open For Business: Sex Rooms In Wuhan Hospital

Sex ward 1
Are you a panda in human form, unable to conceive not because of physical limitations but due to low libido? A hospital in Wuhan, Hubei province may provide the sexual spark your relationship needs to create that perfect love child. Please turn your attention to the “sex wards” of Songziniao hospital, opened on December 28.

Twin Sisters Cause Xinjiang Police Chief To Lose His Job, Though He Denies Having Sex With Them

The police chief of Wusu, Xinjiang autonomous region has officially been fired for his role in a sex and hiring scandal, uncovered last week. We’re not sure which part of his offense is worse, keeping twin mistresses or abusing his power by promoting them, but either way, Qi Fang is gone. And for the record — it’s... Read more »

Did We Read This Right? Mother Bites Off Son’s Penis

Chattering teeth bites off penis
Let’s get right to it. Shanghai Daily: A single mother bit off the penis of her 9-year-old son in a state of delirium on Sunday in Yibin, a city in southwestern Sichuan Province, local media reported. In my wildest fever dream, I will never again describe myself as being “in a state of delirium. The... Read more »

“Inaugural China Masturbation Contest” Is A Real Thing, There Are No Winners

Masturbation contest 2
Dudes wearing creepy, creepy masks pulled down their pants, held orange-red plastic pails over their privates, and masturbated while scantily-clad female models did sexually suggestive things, including with dildos and blow-up dolls. And it wasn’t for a porno — a terrible, terrible porno that no one would watch. Who wants to explain? “On the afternoon... Read more »