...as for the rest of you, fuck off.
Why thank you, Sina. Wait, are you referring to me? Do I pass the decency test? God, now I am unsure. Let us bounce this to the masses. Sometimes I drink too much, but I’m never violent unless it involves executing a professional wrestling move such as the spear onto a friend into bushes or at least the grass or someplace softer than concrete, though I often imagine myself grabbing someone by the neck and slamming his noggin’ into whatever surface is underneath my feet by way of the move called “RKO”…
The floor is open. Email tao@beijingcream.com or tweet @beijingcream. Rolling submissions published after the jump. UPDATE: Sporadically we’ll put the most ambiguous acts of decency up for a vote, ala “hot or not.”
Drake Moreau: I finger-banged a chick at the Grandmaster Flash concert, but she totally let me do it…
Alicia: I walked through a patch of lawn in China once that I was not supposed to, and when accosted by a local guard, I said, “I didn’t know, I’m a foreigner!” I totally knew…
E: I brought real alcohol into Smugglers and drank it with people drinking fake alcohol bought in the establishment…
Samuel Wade: On Sanlitunr, when a crumpled cigarette packet landed at my feet having been tossed by a stopped taxi driver out of his passenger-side window, I picked it up and threw it back in, inflicting irreparable harm on the feelings of the Chinese people and undying shame on Britain and her Commonwealth…
Abe Sauer: Once, in a 文明小区, I was not 文明…
Sarah: I can totally hold my own in idle Chinese taxi chatter when I want to. I just don’t want to. Instead of answering, I just giggle and smile until the driver stops asking me questions…
Christina: I sneak past grocery store guards with my large bag instead of locking it up in an outside cubby…
Lu Xiangsheng: I had a multiracial three-way with Yang Rui’s daughter.
Dingles: I use a western toilet and flush the stained toilet paper down the pipes…
A.: Once I saw a drunk man try to hit on a girl in Sanlitun. Even as she walked away from him he kept putting his hand on her ass while she swatted it away like it was a fly. I just watched and laughed a little on the inside…
I drink British black tea probably exported from China and then re-imported into China to be sold at Marks and Spencers in Shanghai instead of Chinese green or black tea… am I decent?
On Sanlitunr, when a crumpled cigarette packet landed at my feet having been tossed by a stopped taxi driver out of his passenger-side window, I picked it up and threw it back in, inflicting irreparable harm on the feelings of the Chinese people and undying shame on Britain and her Commonwealth.
I had a multiracial three-way with Yang Rui’s daughter… am I decent?
Whoa, were you one of those people depicted in the NMA video?
I check-in on Foursquare regularly. Does this mean I’m giving GPS data to foreign governments?
I get drunk and urinate in public with alarming frequency. Chinese people do too, but mine is foreign snake-head pee, so…
I use a western toilet and flush the stained toilet paper down the pipes
I purposefully drive my way through people as forcefully as possible when I see that they are crowding the subway door before it opens. Even if its just one person. 现下后上 motherfuckers.
I let out a silent but deadly fart during rush hour once.
I got a hand job on the dance floor of Sensation. Later, the girl told me she had a boyfriend. Then I took her home and fucked her. Several days later, I met her boyfriend after she dumped him. He complained that some foreign guy fucked his girlfriend, so now he hates foreigners. Except me, because I can speak Chinese and I’m cool. I still see him sometimes, and he still always says he hates foreigners, but not me.
I think you win the award for the most ambiguous!
While employed at Global Times, I got a blow job during working hours in a parking garage of the Global Times building during working hours from a Chinese reporter. And she swallowed.