Yoichi Shimatsu Has Written, By Far, The Most Incredible Words

You should stop whatever you’re doing and go read this. I’ve copied and pasted all the text to a notepad and saved it on my Desktop. I feel like I have just bottled a rainbow for a rainy day. This man, Yoichi Shimatsu, is possibly the funniest columnist on the face of the earth, and lest you think I’m hyperbolizing, please realize he wrote all of the below, presumably without the help of manatees:

“Yang Rui criticized some Jews not all, and do not some Jews support the bombing of civilians in Gaza? … Yang Rui is harsh on anti-China elements, who do in fact act in a conspiratorial manner, just as the Senators who assassinated the populist Caesar … self-centered yuppies who came to exploit China and follow lifestyle choices inappropriate to Chinese morals, and by that I mean taking lots of drugs … I am equally disgusted by young Asian-Americans who pathetically act like a bunch of bananas, aping their white classmates. You not only fail as journalists, you fail as humans for your racial self-hatred.”

Yoichi Shimatsu is identified as a former editor at The Japan Times Weekly and Pacific News Service. He is also editor-at-large of 4th Media, for whom he recently wrote, “Why CCTV Yang Rui Must Not Quit Despite Criticisms Mostly From The West.” Yes, I just linked the same article twice. It begins:

William Shakespeare is the world’s greatest playwright ever, and that he is for sure, but surprisingly there are certain interest groups who loathe the Bard:

Brace yourself. This is just getting good.

Yang Rui criticized some Jews not all, and do not some Jews support the bombing of  civilians in Gaza? Are Jews above criticism? And on what grounds – that they were chosen by their God? If so, God has chosen to treat quite badly at times, which presents a major ethical questions about the Jewish God. No, the fact is Jews are not better than the rest of us and not above criticism.

Take a breather. Here is his very next paragraph.

Yang Rui is harsh on anti-China elements, who do in fact act in a conspiratorial manner, just as the Senators who assassinated the populist Caesar in the name of democracy, but in reality did it for their own self-interest and privileges – which is the real reason why the Roman Republic failed.

Please keep your bearings:

Most of this critics are – and this is my opinion, if I am free to say it -  self-centered yuppies who came to exploit China and follow lifestyle choices inappropriate to Chinese morals, and by that I mean taking lots of drugs, encouraging drug use among Chinese friends, promoting dissent with no well-founded philosophy or legal grounds as foreigners, and often engage in promiscuity with locals without consideration of sexual transmitted diseases.

Let’s return to the part where Yang Rui is implicitly linked to Shakespeare. Could you be a little more subtle?

Thus, it turns out that Yang Rui, like Shakespeare, has captured an unpleasant part of the social reality and describes it appropriately…

Great. How bout some good ol’ racism?

While white young adults should learn a modicum of humility in the “real world”, I am equally disgusted by young Asian-Americans who pathetically act like a bunch of bananas, aping their white classmates. You not only fail as journalists, you fail as humans for your racial self-hatred.

And some anger?

And then go home, and see what a crap place it’s become for the majority of American, European and Japanese citizens – and try to blame that on the Chinese, you pack of whingers.

Love the Briticism. This guy, ladies and gentlemen, is Yang Rui’s friend. Yang Rui keeps this man company. They are buddies. They probably do Teppenyaki together. They think on the same wavelength, I can only presume, unless Yang Rui is the type to befriend the people he hates the most (is that why he hosts a show for and about foreigners?). Think about that.

I feel like I have just waded into a swimming pool of jellybeans, such is my giddiness and delight.

I feel like I am being tickled by a feather from the hen that laid the golden egg, and the yolk of Svarga is washing over my tittering soul!

I feel like the flowers of the world are coloring our very seconds with the florescence of a thousand colors!

Please, Yoichi Shimatsu, don’t stop.

For me, Yang Rui has been a professional peer and a challenger across the interview table, and he has fired many a shot at me and we have often been at great odds.

But after the vile abuse he has endured in reaction to some frank statements he made on his personal blog, which do reflect some of the unpleasant realities of contemporary society – and the contempt shown toward HIS freedom of expression – I now see him as both a friend and an important and incisive voice in the international dialogue.

Hang on.

Hang on one second.

I have to use the bathroom.

…

OK. Well now, Yoichi Shimatsu, this has been fun and all, but I think it’s time for your final words. They’re all yours. What say you?

When the rest of you grow up, you might understand what I am saying.

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