“Automatic Sperm Extractor” Is Bizarre, Wonderful

Found in a Nanjing hospital, this device is very much used for what you might think. That is to say, it is not a fleshlight masquerading as a mushroom; it is an artificial vagina that serves the purpose of actual vaginas: to extract sperm from male genitalia. Hard stop. And the best part is that it comes with a screen that shows movies, and can be hooked up to surround sound.

Wait, no, that’s not the best part. What am I thinking? The best part is that its massage pipe – actual name — jerks you off, and is adjustable. As Key of China Hush relays, via Zhengzhou Evening News, “the ‘massage pipe’ in front can be adjusted according to the height of the user. Users can also adjust speed, frequency, amplitude and temperature etc. Machine is also equipped with headphones and two handles on both sides.”

On Sina Weibo, netizens are having a bit of fun. “Admire, such high technology,” says @大力水手paopai. “This… this… this is too scientific… this weekend I’m going to Nanjing to contribute,” says @大爷一辈子都是德国和拜仁的死忠. “The number of lonely women will increase again,” notes @7点13. “My Nanjing, I kneel before you,” says @枕边愛美麗. And, “Divine tool,” says everyone.

Of course, there are questions. “Will it get stuck?” asks @小知了虫. “Could it be that it doesn’t extract sperm, but urine!” asks @一枕清霜1, abstrusely. (Why would it extract urine?) “Could it be that the hands are free?” wonders an incredulous @D者G建灿, raising the question — what, are hands not good enough anymore? And @文艺好青年V muses, “Does Hangzhou have one?”

But don’t get too far ahead of yourself thinking that sperm donators have it so good. These devices are apparently only used on the infertile. “When male infertility patients come for treatment, we must first fully inspect the sperm, which requires sperm extraction,” says Zhu Guoxin, director of the urology department at Zhengzhou Zhongxin Hospital. Extraction.

No word on when this machine will become commercially available.

7 Responses to ““Automatic Sperm Extractor” Is Bizarre, Wonderful”

  1. bert

    It is gross to think of all the men that will use it just after some other guy finished. I know they will “clean” it but this is China! Have you been to the hospitals? I’ll just remain infertile, thank you.

    Reply
    • The Tao

      Yes, I began thinking about this question of cleaning, and then I thought: maybe some people like the idea of using an extractor machine right after someone else? And then I thought: if the machine is a “female,” when are we going to have a “male” equivalent? And that’s when I realized: there’s not nearly enough robot porn on the market.

      Reply
  2. Chinese Netizen

    The best part of China’s future generations dribbled down the cracks of their collective mothers’ asses and ended up as stains on the bedsheets…

    Reply

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