A Satirist Is On The Loose In Global Times Again

Amulet Mok, you cheeky bastard. If that is your real name!

You ever have that very moment when every single cell of your body was aroused and your body was open for anything?

Oh dear.

And all of a sudden, the guy just stopped right then and there because he found you lying there like a starfish?

What we have here, of course, is a worthy successor to Alessandro, who we wrote about on December 5, 2012, in a post titled, “Be Afraid, State Media: Alessandro Is Still Out There.”

But why linger in the past? Let’s hear more from Amulet Mok:

Me too. I had to beg the guy to continue to take my virginity. I wish the ground could open and swallow me up. I was 23 and thought I was too old to be a virgin.

We’ll pause here to remind everyone that this article, “Never sleep with a virgin,” appeared in state-sponsored Global Times. If you’re enjoying this so far, you most definitely will not enjoy these other GT pieces:

• US protectionism hard obstacle to tackle
• HK showing recognition of opportunities mainland offers
• Public opinion empowers Weibo’s effect

Continue, Mr. Mok:

In a country where the majority of men all fancy of taking a girl’s virginity to boost their ego, many women were surprised that their virginity freaks out many foreigners.

With you so far.

The average age of losing your virginity in China is 21.9. So if you are going to sleep with a 30-year-old virgin, before you do anything, you have to ask yourself this question, “How on earth did she end up a virgin at 30?”

Not the most polite thing to print, but go on…

When it comes to deflowering a virgin over 25 or 30, the potential for a guy to freak out is high.

Um.

It is known that many women’s first time is an emotional experience, a combination of blood, panic, guilt, pain and tears. And most of the time it is guaranteed to be bad sex. All pain, no orgasm.

Oh…

Still, many of my foreign friends chose to ignore reality and take the plunge. It is because Chinese women are “smart, sweet and smoking hot,” one of my friends explained. Soon he found out that the “smart, sweet and smoking hot Chinese woman in her late 20s” he devirginized turned into a clingy lover and stalker. He freaked out and left her.

Skipping ahead just slightly — however it pains me to skip the line, “Sometimes a devirginized woman could be as toxic as the smog in Beijing” — here’s a fun little dig at pollution alarmists:

We now know many foreigners are planning to leave the capital due to the pollution, but I wonder how many of them are thinking about leaving thanks to the women they bedded.

Annnnnnnd the finale:

Condoms are just like women, they can be very annoying sometimes, but you can’t have sex without them.

Headshot.

In case this article doesn’t survive the night, we’ve screenshotted it:

Never sleep with a virgin (Global Times)

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