To Serve People Tiananmen Special: The Global Times Reminds You To Shut The Fuck Up

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(Note to readers: Please beware gifs and copious sarcasm)

By TAR Nation

Global Times chose June 4 to publish two editorials about how the Internet and media need to be brutally censored. One editorial is by Shan Renping — the party’s stupidest editorial lapdog — and the other is from the rat-infested oozing pile of vomit and bile shat through the vagina of a dead yet zombified tapeworm screaming at the top of its intestines, Hu Xijin.

Let’s start with Hu: “Web regulation in public’s best interest” (I’m not linking it, linking it gives them hits).

On today of all days, as sites get shut down, as Weibos get deleted, as encrypted Wikipedia gets a going-over, “Hu who-should-not-be-named” thought this was a good time to remind everyone that unparalleled restriction of the Internet is right, good and will never, ever end. He begins with a tale in Germany.

In mid-May, the German Federal Court of Justice in Karlsruhe demanded Google clean up its auto-complete function, because it generates results that are offensive and defamatory. The new rule for Google Search is said to be a milestone that marks Germany’s first efforts to regulate its Internet services.

Yes, Hu’ll Stop the Rain, because Google’s lax predictive search abilities are exactly equal to the outright ban on Human Rights Watch, Facebook, Twitter, China Digital Times, The New York Times, Blogspot,, Amnesty International, Wikileaks, Reporters Without Borders, hundreds of VPN services, anything from Tibet not vomited directly from censors, even the god damned Norwegian Broadcasting Company when China doesn’t like who it gives awards to, et al.

Yes, this technological spider glitch choosing from recent/commonly searched…

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…is the same as the indiscriminate censorship of international and individual communication and thought. Or, considering China’s desire to destroy Internet freedom, perhaps this is more apt:

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Oh, but wait. He’s not done. Hu has more examples.

For example, Facebook has started to provide training for its website regulators to help identify and delete inappropriate remarks.

That’s part and parcel if you read their terms and conditions and is pretty standard for any site that wants to keep stalking, abuse and boobs off its site. It is not the same as… wait… hold the fuck on for a second… Did that motherfucker just use Facebook as an example… FACEBOOK?!?!?

Facebook, the Facebook which has been banned ever since China scapegoated unrest in Xinjiang to “foreign agitators”? The same Facebook that no one has been able to get on without a proxy since 2008? The same Facebook that is an App on my phone I can’t use? Is that what you mean, Hu? IS IT!?!?!?

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Despite irony so thick it clogs chainsaws, Hu continues.

In Turkey, where chaos and turmoil are running rampant, the Turkish government criticized social media as the top threat.

This is true, the Turkish PM said, “Social media is the worst menace to society.” Yes, not cancer, or hemorrhoids, or hunger, or authoritarianism, or despots, or meteors, or drugs, or reality TV, or censorship, or terrorism, or when the sun expands and swallows the earth… it’s Instagram. While Turkey is indeed a democracy, press freedoms there leave a great deal to be desired, but GT jumps on it as a reason to not “do” democracy, as it does every time there is unrest in a democratic country: Syria, Thailand, US, ad infinitum.

Similar denouncements have also been heard from the British Parliament.

Weeellllll, sort of. PM David Cameron did, two years ago, mention something of a ban for the instigators of the riots in the UK. This went nowhere and further concreted him and his government as laughingstocks. But this…

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…is completely different from what we have here in China, which is this:

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A few other idiots in the UK made navel-gazing comments about the dangers of social media, but they — and I can’t stress this enough — would never, ever, ever dare. Those riots were over school fees. If they tried to ban social media, there wouldn’t be a fish-and-chips-eating son of a bitch left alive on the island.

Hu goes on to make the uniform excuses and defenses, all of which I have illustrated before in this column:

Blaming the evil “West”:

This deceptive voice has gained support from Western public opinion, which makes China’s regulation of the Internet encounter more resistance than in other countries.

It is actually part of democracy:

The Internet, to some extent, has been part of the process through which Chinese society seeks “democracy” and “diversity.”

From Admiral Akbar, it’s a trap!:

This virtual community has bred some political and moral traps.

Defense of the status quo and threats:

Internet regulation has to be carried out until those spreading adverse remarks fear the strength of the public interest.

And, of course, a condemnation of free speech in general:

People already understand that free speech can not go against social order.

So, that’s Hu Xijin’s warped thoughts on this solemn day, the day when hope for freedom of expression died in the Middle Kingdom.

What about Shan Renping? You may remember him from this photo, a 2,000-ton pile of burning cow manure:

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It tickles me that this shows up on a Google Image search for him.

He’s much like his lord and master, Hu Xijin, but stupider. With Hu beating online freedom with a knobby stick, Shan moved toward the actual press with, “Media professionals should prioritize rational reflection,” in which he inadvertently lays out guidelines for how all journalists in China need to be the government’s bitch and not say things behind its back on Weibo. Normally, his editorials are conspiracy-theory-laced, Western-hemisphere-hating dribble. But in this one, he thinks he has the blessing of the Associated Press.

Media professionals are among the main Weibo users in China. They are unconstrained when it comes to posting news, even if it was not published by the media outlets they serve.

For the use of the word “unconstrained” there, Shan Renping, may you and a hundred generations of your ancestors rot in hell.

There’s a lot of information not published by the media outlets they “serve.” Largely because little bastards like you — on a weekly basis — tell them that they can’t publish what your dogged masters consider “good for society.” So, they turn to Weibo, where an unconfirmed post has more credibility than all of the state-run propaganda rags put together.

They often express their sharp views. These activities are all firmly opposed by AP’s guidelines.

I have been in media and journalism for as long as I can remember (I drink a lot). I have met reporters from every background and field. Not one of them ever expressed a “sharp” view to me. Spreading unconfirmed NEWS is frowned upon by AP (because they’re respected reporters), not opinions. On opinions, they will have to yield to the authority of the GT news desk (because you’re a useless garbage heap).

Then, he said this:

It is hard to identify whether AP is too strict or China’s media management is too loose.

Yes, that’s the international consensus, Renping: that China’s media management is too loose.

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He continues:

A strengthening of discipline among media workers would be conducive to the establishment of order in social networks while maintaining the authority of traditional media.

Ahhhhhh, I get it. He thinks anyone cares what the “traditional media” of China thinks. They don’t. No one does. You are a joke. The only reason AP made its rules is because people take their reporters seriously. There is nothing — NOTHING — GT can do to hurt its own credibility. Next?

(On social media)…. problems, such as rumors, foul language and extreme views, are also prominent.

I’m going to start a political party called Obliterate Crossdresser Shan Renping’s Fucking Existence. How’s that? I hate you. I hate you the way racists hate other races. I hate you forever and for always, until fate puts you with me in the bowels of hell (my heaven) where I can rip your throat out with my very own teeth for an eternity. Extreme enough for ya?


However, it doesn’t mean that all media personalities with verified identities are free to express their views on social networks. Conflicting opinions that differ from the media they serve will aggravate rumors and extreme views.

You and the Global Times are the only ones aggravating my and everyone else’s extreme views. The morning was lovely. I slept well. The air was thick with rain ready to fall to the dry earth, the beautiful smell of petrichor wafting in from the southern air. Then, I read your editorial, and now I’m thinking of fisting you with a coffee mug on each finger.

This is not related to freedom of speech, but is instead aimed at maintaining the rules.


…clear and precise ground rules should be prioritized.


A process is needed for eliminating the “politicization” of social networks.

Die painfully.

So, there you have it, the un-remembered dead, soldiers and protestors alike. The big news story today is how China has managed to completely and utterly ignore, censor and ban a national tragedy for decades. Which, really, is what today is all about. I don’t care about dead people, to be honest. They make for lousy conversation. But today was the day when free press got really, really far away. For those of us who have now experienced quite a few June 4ths in China, it can seem that all hope of ever having a free and open media is lost.

Perhaps it is. Perhaps all of us should just go with prevailing economic trends and side with and bow to the authoritarian who so wants to look after us and keep us safe.

Neh, too many bastards need a firm talking to. So, I’m looking forward to June 4, 2014, when — maybe, just maybe — the nation will remember and the Chinese press will find its balls.

Friend and comrade Justin Mitchell recently had an article defending the folks who work at GT (regarding the SCMP piece, “Is it a sin to work for Global Times”), and with good reason. The greatest reporter I have ever personally met, I met at GT. A brave soul who was fired for something he tweeted. So, is it a sin to work for Global Times? Well, I don’t believe in sin or sinners, or the Nuremburg defense for that matter. But I do believe in shame. If you worked there, you might feel it. Not all the time, but sometimes. And if you have never felt it… well, you probably still work there. Why wouldn’t you? I would.

But, aside from shame, I also believe in revenge. Even the CCP gets tired of protecting monsters.

Tick tock, Hu. Tick tock.

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    15 Responses to “To Serve People Tiananmen Special: The Global Times Reminds You To Shut The Fuck Up”

    1. Jonathan Alpart

      From disgruntled employee to disgruntled ex-employee: you’re wasting your time. Start writing similar rants about Fox News and you’ll get a lot more readers and possibly have more impact.

      • Ander

        Meanwhile, back in China….
        Where the readers of Beijing Cream are interested in reading about China~
        Oh, right. I have to think about Fox News first.
        Who the fuck cares about Fox News?!?
        I’m not even American!!!

      • narsfweasels

        Alpart: You have nothing useful, interesting or relevant to say and you seem to think that Laowai Comics is hilarious – that puts your opinions and intelligence on the same level as a zombified ant under the influence of an ophiocordyceps unilateralis. You’re not even the parasite, you’re the host of the parasite.

    2. King Baeksu

      “It is hard to identify whether AP is too strict or China’s media management is too loose.”

      Well, we know for sure that their sphincters are all too loose.

    3. SeaHorse

      This is this lovely essay my socialist writer Lu Xun, in the 20′s he wrote a essay called ‘Thoughts on a Mirror’, he wrote about the Chinese character.

      And that is the Chinese, especially the government, are afraid of foreigners, because they have an irrational fear that they will be captivated by them. So they rush to conservatism and tradition, praising it like it’s the only way to save the morality of their country. Going as far as insist on the quality of bronze mirrors when western glass ones are vastly superior. In the Tang dynasty Chinese people had no such fear, even in the Emperor’s tomb there are carvings of ostriches and they used grape patterns to decorate mirrors, and all these things come from foreign country. That is because the Tangs were strong.

      Only people who know they are weak of character and unpopular enough amongst the right masses are afraid of what foreigners say, because they know their argument doesn’t hold up and they don’t want to admit they’re weak. The truth is if the government falls tomorrow China would still march on, for better or worse.

    4. Reece Ayers

      “A few other idiots in the UK made navel-gazing comments about the dangers of social media, but they — and I can’t stress this enough — would never, ever, ever dare. Those riots were over school fees. If they tried to ban social media, there wouldn’t be a fish-and-chips-eating son of a bitch left alive on the island.”
      — This, I LOVE this.


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