State Media “Survey” Of “Top 10 Happiest Cities In China” Features Taiyuan, Hefei, And Tianjin

What Tianjin always looks like

They’re not even trying anymore. Xinhua published a slideshow today of the “Top ten happiest cities in China,” according to a CCTV survey, and the list goes:

1. Lhasa, Tibet
2. Taiyuan, Shanxi
3. Hefei, Anhui
4. Tianjin
5. Changsha, Hunan
6. Hohhot, Inner Mongolia
7. Shijiazhuang, Hebei
8. Jinan, Shandong
9. Yinchuan, Ningxia Hui Autonomous Region
10. Chongqing

It’s as if this conversation actually happened in a CCTV conference room:

Executive 1: “You know, no one believes anything we say anyway, why don’t we just poop in their mouth?”

Executive 2: “Um. So, fabricate a survey?”

Executive 1: “Top 10 happiest cities in China. Go.”

Executive 2: “Hefei is a real shit-hole. Gu Kailai just got sentenced there, so that’s tourism cha-ching.”

Executive 1: “It’s No. 3. Done.”

Executive 2: “And Taiyuan, in Shanxi. They used to have coal, but even that’s disappearing.”

Executive 1: “I eat pollution and construction cranes for breakfast. We’ll put it No. 2.”

Executive 2: “Changsha is known as one of the hottest cities in China.”

Executive 1: “OK, No. 5. Hey, hasn’t Tianjin been called the smelly armpit of Beijing?”

Executive 2: “No. 4?”

Executive 1: “On the face!”

Executive 2: “Obviously an Inner Mongolia city has to be on the list.”

Executive 1: “Agreed. That province is practically an Oompa Loompa den of happiness.”

Executive 2: “We need a city from Hebei, Shandong, and Henan.”

Executive 1: “That can’t be too hard. Randomly point at something on the map.”

Executive 2: “Jackpot! Shijiazhuang.”

Executive 1: “Melamine capital of the world! Say, shouldn’t we find a really poor place?”

Executive 2: “In Gansu?”

Executive 1: “I don’t mean dirt poor. Like, so poor that no one’s even heard of it.”

Executive 2: “Got it. Yinchuan, Ningxia Hui Autonomous Region.”

Executive 2: “Brilliant. Now to balance it out with something in the news and violent…”

Executive 1: “Chongqing. Well now, I do believe we have our 10.”

Executive 2: “Wait… we don’t have a No. 1″

The men look at each other and think for a second.

Together: “Lhasa.”

They high-five, throw back sifters of baijiu, lean back and pat their exposed bellies.

(H/T Alicia)

7 Responses to “State Media “Survey” Of “Top 10 Happiest Cities In China” Features Taiyuan, Hefei, And Tianjin”

  1. KopyKatKiller

    Hahaha! But have you considered that the number 1 on the list might really be number one? What iof Tibetans really were surveyed and decided that they were really happy NOT to be Chinese???

    Reply

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