“Gangster Panda” Is Incredible

So, before I begin, I guess I should get one thing out of the way: I write that show that all expats seem to hate but Chinese people seem to like – see the sketch I wrote about potatoes.

Yes, of course you could no doubt do it better; and yes, I agree, why do they even bother employing us? We’re not even funny. Now that I’ve saved you the hassle of leaving those sentiments in the comments section, I’ll get to the nitty gritty.

Several days ago, Tao sent me an email asking for a comment on a video that I had never seen before. Said video was of my co-host, Rob Hemsley, from that show you all hate, rapping in Chinese about being a gangster panda(!). Yes, honestly. As far as I can tell, it isn’t a parody. I had absolutely no clue what it was about and was a little perplexed by the whole thing, as Rob basically went off and filmed it of his own accord.

Tao asked for a breakdown of the video and a profile of “the enigma that is Rob Hemsley,” so here goes:

You know you’re in for a fucking treat when the first line of the song is “Yeeah, yeeah.” Wearing a snazzy single-breasted suit, Rob flexes his Chinese with the line “脱掉 (take it off).” A conveniently pretty Chinese girl appears and proceeds to take off a panda suit that she just so happens to be wearing. She spends the rest of the song swaying back and forth, looking aimlessly around in her bra and pants.

The following line is “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah.” Classic line, probably took a while to come up with but no doubt the right thing to do.

What follows is a couple of references to movies stars/characters such as actor Simon Yam, fictional characters Li Kui and Chan Ho-Nam, and a quick mention of Yip Man – the Asian demographic will be super-pleased.

When the chorus hits, there’s more “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah” lines to get you in the mood, alongside scattered shots of Rob wearing sunglasses and shots of him not wearing sunglasses. Occasionally the girl is leaning on him, and at other times she isn’t.

A bit later, after Rob says, “All the ladies love me, but Chinese girls are my favourite,” the young lady takes her bra off with her back to the camera. Next scene, it’s back on again! It’s getting crazy now.

There’s a bit more posturing and Rob tells the girl to take it all off – she doesn’t. The song finishes up with a few more “Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeahs,” and Rob says several sentences in what sounds like an American accent, while the girl repeatedly holds up her hair, for what reason I’m not quite sure.

It’s clear that Rob has done his research on the world of hip hop.

Does the video have a woman in a bra and panties for no reason?

You better believe it!

Does that same woman simulate oral sex with a lollipop whilst the camera lingers for slightly too long, all the while maintaining constant eye contact?

Of course she does.

Does the performer constantly use the word “Yeeeah” over and over again, punctuated by the occasional grunt?

You betcha… Yeeeah, Uh!

The most impressive thing about the whole video though is that Rob wrote the lyrics (according to the credits), which is amazing considering that Rob doesn’t (or didn’t as of last week) even speak Chinese.

If anything, this is just more proof that Rosetta Stone really does work. Either that, or Rob has mastered the art of writing English lyrics, which, when translated into Chinese, automatically rhyme. Incredible!

Interesting fact: Rob almost broke the Guinness World Record for eating Chinese chuanr kebabs during a recent eating contest in Solana, Beijing. He ate 45 huge chuanr sticks in 15 minutes. The record was broken on the same day by a guy who ate 46. The prize: an all-expenses-paid trip to the World Cup in Brazil. Gutted!

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